Monthly Archives: March 2010

Peering Through Pain.

Tony is a little amazed that I just seem to keep going, pain or not. He says most people would just stay home… I suppose he’s right. But the thing is, I learned a long time ago that if I let pain control my life, then pain becomes my life. I’d rather have a life and deal with pain, than to isolate myself because of my fear of pain, or fear of showing others my pain.

As with most life altering things, I’m learning that having a miscarriage is one of those things that silently twines itself around the daily happenings of a person’s life. Of my life. It’s weird, because it’s like this quiet grief of which no one ever speaks. No one I meet on the street has any idea that at the moment I’m telling them “I’m fine,” in response to their standard greeting of, “How are you?” I’m actually losing a life I’ve nourished for 2 1/2 months, and a dream for which we’ve prayed for 3 years.

Today would have marked the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

The dreams are hard, and I’ve awakened more than once the past few days because I’ve been crying in my sleep. ~~ I felt like I’d been punched in the gut the other day when I saw a woman holding her newborn close to her cheek. ~~ I wanted to punch someone in the gut when, within the first five minutes of meeting him and his obviously pregnant wife, he made more than three comments about his wife being pregnant.

Irritable. Sad. Sensitive. Tired. Impatient. Cramps. Bleeding.

Yet, despite the pain — emotional and physical — I’ve been able to carry on a semblance of a normal life. I’m able to go to work, learn new things and practice my craft as an assistant. The people I work with are cool and hip. There are fun perks at this company, like free breakfasts every Friday, sponsored by the company.

Tony and I were able to have a great weekend together. Friday night, we went up to the local mountains and, Saturday morning, visited our friends (the cook & waitresses) at our favorite breakfast restaurant up there. Which also means we’ll think of them and our time up there for most of the week, because we have breakfast leftovers.

We drove down Saturday afternoon to attend a Honda-sponsored dinner event for the people who rode on their float in the Rose Parade. A dinner at a ritzy steakhouse, with appetizers, salad, main course (filet mignon for us, please) and dessert. The representative from Honda said they’d stayed away from having riders on their floats in years past, but now might reconsider that policy in the future because all the float riders this year were so wonderful. As a thank you, beyond the experience, memories and dinner, they gave all the float riders photo albums and DVDs. I continue to be so impressed with Honda corporation.

This weekend was also Marigold’s birthday and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show invited us to join them at Disneyland. Our schedules meshed up, so we spent the afternoon at the happiest place on earth, riding kiddie rides with the kiddies and getting our picture taken with Mickey Mouse.

The best ride of the day was the Jungle Cruise, because I got this picture of nephew Huck just after we saw the hippopotamuses get “shot at” by our guide. He wasn’t pleased.

Grateful. Blessed. Loved. Grace. Amazed. Miracles.

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Filed under Best Husband, Entertainment can be Cheap, Health/Endo, I did something Special, I feel Sad, I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building, Sometimes I Dream

Love & Loathe — 03/25/10 (late)

Loathe:

* I think I’ll just let the previous post fill this slot this week.

Love:

* The movie The Blind Side. We saw it in the theaters and loved it so much, Tony bought it this week on DVD. Watched it again, and still love it. I’m a bit annoyed about that, because you know when people ask, “What’s your favorite movie?” I may have to change my answer… this is a big deal. I must give this issue proper consideration, can’t just decide that over night.

* $.25 hot dogs on Wednesday nights at Weinerschnitzel.

* Tony bought melon seeds at the store the other day. He has no idea where he’s going to grow them, we really don’t have any sunny spots around our place. But I just love his enthusiasm and desire to try to grow plants.

* I read in my community’s newsletter that they’ll start heating our pools in time for spring break/Easter. One more week!!

* I had a hot fudge sundae tonight. It was dark and we were driving to the mountains, and kept thinking I’d spilled it on my shirt, but I hadn’t. We got to the cabin and I looked in the mirror and started laughing. No chocolate shirt, but a chocolate chin. I looked like I had a chocolate beard.

* How joyful our little bird is every morning when she sees me. It’s such a sweet thing to watch her perk up, chirp and lean way far out to climb on my finger. Especially when I remember back to how when we first got her, we had to chase her all over her cage.

One Last Thing:

So, I made it through the week and still have my job… which is nice. More importantly, things seem to be doing OK as far as my health. I learned that Aleve (naproxen sodium) is my friend, especially when taken on a consistent basis. I feel tender, swollen and very tired, all of which seem like normal and expected things given what my body has been through, and I plan to go have blood work done next week to make sure my hormone levels are where they’re supposed to be.

But… I’m OK.

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Filed under Health/Endo, Kid Quest, Life Encompasses Me, Love/Loathe

Physical Processing.

I went for my second opinion on Friday. The news was really a moot point. I knew what it would be, for I had started bleeding last Wednesday.

Mostly, I just wanted one last picture of our baby.

It amuses me the lengths to which the medical community goes to avoid calling our baby a “baby.” Each visit, I wonder what term the doctor will come up with. This time, it was “results of conception.” Clever, very clever. For isn’t that what each of us is?

So, my body started cramping on Saturday afternoon and took a turn for the intense side of things on Sunday afternoon in its attempt to “pass the results of conception.” (“Passing” sounds so easy, doesn’t it?)

Throughout the process of physical pain and inconvenience, I was simply amazed at the sheer amount of insulation my body had provided to protect this little one. And then, by last night, the intense pain was all gone and left me feeling tender and fragile inside.

I felt well enough to continue with life as usual. In my capacity of “normal.”

Which is why I was unpleasantly surprised when a contraction hit with such force this afternoon, it took me to my knees at work, and then my boss walked by. Oh Lord, I was so embarrassed but unable to do anything except remember to breathe. Now I find myself wondering if I’ll lose my job on top of our baby. (sigh)

I couldn’t go home because I couldn’t sit, and even if I could have sat down, it was horrifying to imagine myself driving in rush hour traffic with that kind of pain. I couldn’t figure out why the pain was so much worse today than yesterday (although not kidney stone passing kind of pain). The only thing I could think is it’s maybe like when you vomit? It’s less painful if you have water or something in your stomach? Maybe that’s why the pain was so much worse today, because there really wasn’t that much left in there to wring out? I’m grasping at illogical logic here. Indulge me, please, I’m hormonal.

Really, though, emotionally, I’m OK. Sad, of course, but it’s as if the physical process is a tangible culmination of the emotional pain I’ve had since mid-February. At this point, I simply want my body to correctly finish what it’s supposed to do, as I do not want surgical intervention. Which is also why I don’t want to ask my doctor about this process, because how many women do they actually “allow” to miscarry naturally? They’re surgeons, every one of them, and all surgeons want to do is poke, prod and do surgery. I just have no idea how long the cramping is supposed to last… or why it waited 24 hours before coming back with such force.

I’m just praying for the grace to get through each day and that my body will do what it needs to do correctly. But, God, this hurts, and I won’t have a baby in my arms to show for it when it’s all done. And that, frankly, just sucks.

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Filed under I feel Sad, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building

Love & Loathe – 03/18/10

Loathe:

* Car trouble. It’s really unfair how one little bitty expensive part can cause so much trouble. Tomorrow will be day two in the shop for the little red car.

* Police helicopters who circle above our neighborhood at 11:15 PM once a week. I don’t buy it anymore that there’s some criminal they’re watching, it’s too predictable. I think it’s a practice flight and I think it’s annoying. I need my sleep or I just might become a criminal for them to watch. *grumble*

* Taxes.


Love:

* A particular blog friend who mailed me homemade St. Patrick’s day sugar cookies ALL THE WAY from the east coast. I opened the package and stood there with tears in my eyes at her thoughtfulness. I love you, Nina. I would have taken pictures, except that there aren’t any left to take a picture of. They were gone within 8 hours. Sorry. You’ll just have to take my word for it that they were delicious.

* Kentucky Fried Chicken’s cole slaw.

* Jalapenos on a hamburger. We had dinner with friends tonight (I love them, too), but putting those jalapenos on my burger made it 10x more delicious than delicious can be defined.

* One more month and my community should start heating our community’s pool. I can’t wait!

* My husband who gladly inconvenienced himself by giving up his car for the day, so I could get to work. Which meant I got to experience what it’s like to drive around at 5 AM to take him to work so I could have his car for the day. It’s weird at that time of the day, no one’s around and it’s all dark and stuff. Weird.

* Tony’s parents. For many reasons, I love them, but heaped on top of it all, since we both need a car for tomorrow, they are gladly giving up one of theirs.

One Last Thing:

I’m just plain tired. The weekend needs to be here so I can sleep.

24 Comments

Filed under I ♥ My Miata, I have Friends, Love/Loathe

Green Dinner & Stuff

On my way home from work on Friday night, I was in stop-and-go traffic behind a guy in a silver Miata with a black top. It was the earlier version of the Miata, the version with the plastic window, which he had unzipped. It made me smile, because I remembered that I used to do that, too, sometimes when I had mine. Yes, before the 2002 Miata I own now, I owned a 1992 Miata. What can I say, I love those little cars.

The thing I noticed about him beyond his car, was that he had a tick. I don’t know if he had Turret’s syndrome or what, but every 30 seconds or so, his body forced him to turn his head to his right, bobble it a couple times, while he mouthed a few words, and then he faced forward again. Over and over it went.

At first I thought it was kind of funny, then as time passed and we all slowly crept forward together, stuck on the freeway in a proximity closer than any of us wanted, I couldn’t help but think how exhausting that must be for him. Time after time I watched his head turn quickly, bobble, his car would mildly swerve in sync, and then he regained control, faced forward and acted as if everything was normal. It was normal for him. His normal.

Isn’t that what we all try to do? Move forward with each of our versions of “normal?” Whatever that may be?

Yesterday was the annual Green Dinner event at Tony’s church. It’s an event that we start talking about when we put our Valentine’s decorations away and bring out our St. Patrick’s Day decorations. It’s an event I always enjoy, where they serve delicious corned beef, potatoes, carrots, cabbage and cake (CAKE!!). This year, while the venue was a bit smaller and there were no Irish dancers, I still immensely enjoyed everything that was offered. Plus, visiting with the Seniors (Tony’s parents), and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show made for a perfect evening, as far as I was concerned.

Today I got back in the pool for the first time in a month and a half. I felt like I needed to for my own sanity, but I was scared to do so, because I thought for sure I’d miscarry right then and there. The doctor tells you not to do something and suddenly it becomes Bad. Yet in a “normal” pregnancy, swimming would be Good. The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

The act of swimming felt weird to me after so long of a break. Although they knew what they were supposed to be doing, my arms felt like uncoordinated noodles. I was also ultra-aware of what muscles I was using to accomplish what came so easily to me not that long ago. The most surprising thing to me, though, was that I didn’t get winded at all… my stamina and endurance hadn’t changed much. Which is to say that I didn’t find myself huffing and puffing at all, and I was pleased with that. I guess I was in better shape than I had thought.

It was such a beautiful day here today. Tony refilled the bird feeders in our back yard and the sun was so warm and bright, I went outside and thought, “Wow, I bet it would feel wonderful just to lie down and look up at the sky…” And so I did. Then I fell asleep and ended up taking a 45 minute nap, lying on the warmed concrete in our back yard, with the sun shining warmly on my skin and a slight breeze stirring the leaves of the Eucalyptus tree behind me. I had a nap in the oasis, such as it is, of my own back yard.

Then I had to get up and do chores.

Normal. My normal.

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Filed under I ♥ My Miata, I did something Special, I have Family, Kid Quest, Who I am

I Need You.

I sat down here tonight to type my weekly Love & Loathe post and am finding that I just can’t do it. It feels superficial and forced, too perky for where we are tonight emotionally. Physically, too, now that I ponder it.

Tony is driving out to Las Vegas this evening to meet his dad and brother. His sister has been missing since February 25th, and they are attempting to find her. She has a mental illness and is supposed to be taking medications to help her, but she has missed important doctor appointments and, as a result, is likely off her meds. Tony has put together a simple website to get the word out on Facebook and Twitter.

**03/13/10 Update: After spending Friday in Vegas following leads, on Friday night, Tony’s sister surfaced. We don’t have all the details, maybe never will of what happened, but the important thing is that she’s OK.**

In addition, Tony’s grandfather’s health has been declining since January. There is a lot going on with him, and out of respect for his privacy, I will just share that he has been in and out of the hospital for treatment and testing. We are hoping that he will be OK once they get him stabilized, but will likely need to be in an assisted living facility. This has been especially hard on Tony’s elders as they try to figure out the best way to provide him the needed care, but also ensure that he feels loved, safe, comfortable and reassured.

**03/13/10 Update: On Friday Tony’s grandpa stabilized enough that he could eat solid foods and be placed in a living facility. I hope he’ll be around for many, many more years.**

And finally, Tony and I have been dealing with something incredibly personal as well. You may recall that we’ve been trying to start a family for three years and we were diagnosed with male factor infertility in December of 2007. We were told that the likelihood of me becoming pregnant by “normal methods” were less than 3%, or even less, when my age is factored in.

Miraculously, I am 2 1/2 months pregnant, and have been on pelvic rest for 1 1/2 of those months (no exercise, no sexercise, nothing that moves the pelvis beyond a sedentary life).

However, I was diagnosed last Friday with early pregnancy failure. By ultrasound, they can find the gestational sac and the yolk sac, but no baby. From what I’ve read on Dr. Google, there is a tiny, tiny, tiny chance that, because I have a tilted uterus, the baby may be hidden, but I… well, I don’t know. The doctor didn’t give me any hope at all and said I will miscarry within the next 2-3 weeks.

I spent most of Friday night and Saturday sobbing my heart out, grieving, for this baby we want so very badly, but the doctor says isn’t there. We are working on getting a second opinion, but ultimately, a second opinion won’t change what’s going to happen. Whatever that may be.

In the meantime, I’m trying to hold it together emotionally and physically at a new job, where I will finish my first week tomorrow.

There are times in life when I’ve come to realize that, no matter what I do, there is actually very little I can do to change the outcome of certain situations. When, through it all, I hold onto the fact that I know a God who can work miracles, whether it be peace of mind or putting a baby in my womb. Or giving loved ones wisdom when it comes to searching for a missing loved one or holding a family together when a loved one needs their help.

You guys are my extended family and now, more than ever, we need your love, prayers and emotional support.

54 Comments

Filed under I feel Sad, I have Family, Kid Quest, Sex, Spirituality, Who I am

First Day.

Whew. I’m here to tell you that I’m tired. Or as I used to say when I was a little girl with a southern accent, “I’s tiiiired.”

It’s been awhile since I’ve used my brain AND stayed in an upright sitting position for a full day. Now that’s multi-tasking, right there.

Seriously, though, as far as I’m concerned, the first day went well and no one told me otherwise. I’m thinkin’ that’s a good thing, yes? There’s a lot for me to take in, a lot to learn. The typical learning curve of who’s who and who does what, as well as learning about an industry that I’ve not worked in before. I just need to be patient with myself and hope that they’ll see that I do have lights on in my head and that I am making the connections. There’s also the part where I’m used to being the person to whom questions are referred, and it’s a little odd to have the roles reversed.

I had quite the adventure getting to work today. I was told to report to work at 9, and I was all set to get there a bit earlier than that. Mostly because I wanted to avoid traffic. As it turned out, my “early” goal turned into an “on time” target, because there was a minor glitch with the cat’s litter boxes and, since they’re in the garage, those things are the last view I have of our home before I leave. Which means if there’s something wrong with them, I don’t see it until I’m literally getting in my car.

I left the top down on my car since rain wasn’t in the forecast. Well, wouldn’t you know it, I got in the middle of traffic AND a torrential downpour of rain. I kept adjusting the brim of my hat and muttering to myself, “Come ON, people! 35 miles per hour, that’s all I ask of you…” (35 MPH is the magic speed that aerodynamics kick in and send the rain over my car’s cockpit.) I swear, it must have looked like a movie set, because what are the chances the rain and traffic hit at the same spot on the freeway. Then when traffic cleared up, so did the rain. *shrugs shoulder* I guess a little rain never hurt nobody.

Beef stew in the crock pot for dinner, a few nice hours with my husband this evening, and I’m ready to call it a perfect day. Here’s hoping the rest of the week goes just as well.

One day at a time…

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Filed under I ♥ My Miata, I Left Home for Awhile, Money Hump Building