Physical Processing.

I went for my second opinion on Friday. The news was really a moot point. I knew what it would be, for I had started bleeding last Wednesday.

Mostly, I just wanted one last picture of our baby.

It amuses me the lengths to which the medical community goes to avoid calling our baby a “baby.” Each visit, I wonder what term the doctor will come up with. This time, it was “results of conception.” Clever, very clever. For isn’t that what each of us is?

So, my body started cramping on Saturday afternoon and took a turn for the intense side of things on Sunday afternoon in its attempt to “pass the results of conception.” (“Passing” sounds so easy, doesn’t it?)

Throughout the process of physical pain and inconvenience, I was simply amazed at the sheer amount of insulation my body had provided to protect this little one. And then, by last night, the intense pain was all gone and left me feeling tender and fragile inside.

I felt well enough to continue with life as usual. In my capacity of “normal.”

Which is why I was unpleasantly surprised when a contraction hit with such force this afternoon, it took me to my knees at work, and then my boss walked by. Oh Lord, I was so embarrassed but unable to do anything except remember to breathe. Now I find myself wondering if I’ll lose my job on top of our baby. (sigh)

I couldn’t go home because I couldn’t sit, and even if I could have sat down, it was horrifying to imagine myself driving in rush hour traffic with that kind of pain. I couldn’t figure out why the pain was so much worse today than yesterday (although not kidney stone passing kind of pain). The only thing I could think is it’s maybe like when you vomit? It’s less painful if you have water or something in your stomach? Maybe that’s why the pain was so much worse today, because there really wasn’t that much left in there to wring out? I’m grasping at illogical logic here. Indulge me, please, I’m hormonal.

Really, though, emotionally, I’m OK. Sad, of course, but it’s as if the physical process is a tangible culmination of the emotional pain I’ve had since mid-February. At this point, I simply want my body to correctly finish what it’s supposed to do, as I do not want surgical intervention. Which is also why I don’t want to ask my doctor about this process, because how many women do they actually “allow” to miscarry naturally? They’re surgeons, every one of them, and all surgeons want to do is poke, prod and do surgery. I just have no idea how long the cramping is supposed to last… or why it waited 24 hours before coming back with such force.

I’m just praying for the grace to get through each day and that my body will do what it needs to do correctly. But, God, this hurts, and I won’t have a baby in my arms to show for it when it’s all done. And that, frankly, just sucks.

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32 Comments

Filed under I feel Sad, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building

32 responses to “Physical Processing.

  1. Julie

    the human body is so amazing in that it is able to somehow protect itself and heal itself. every function of every cell in your body serves that purpose or related to it. if only our hearts were that easy to mend. some miscarriages take a few days and others might take a few weeks. and usually, doctors DO want you to miscarry on your own if you can because it doesn’t carry the same risks as surgery. it depends on how far along you were or if your health is in danger. (((hugs)))

    • It just seemed as if there was a whole lotta emphasis by my GYN placed on the “alternatives” to natural miscarrying. Maybe he just wanted to do full disclosure, but I had told him several times that I preferred to do it the natural way. It irritated me that he felt the need to continue with the narrative despite what I had told him.

      At least I can’t complain that he sugar coated stuff… (sigh)

      (hugs)

  2. Caryl

    I’m sure you’ve read up on Dr.Google with this. Use common sense with it if it gets to be too much for you. Sure have no reason to be embarrassed. Just trying to function is an amazing feat right now.
    Love you lots,

  3. Lynne

    I will be praying for you on every level. I’m so sorry honey. No one can say they know how you feel, as this type of grief and sadness is intensely private and personal, and individual. Many of us can say that we can relate, having been there (or somewhat close with different circumstances/same outcome.) Take from those of us who can relate and rebuild your smile, your strength and your heart.

  4. daydreambetty

    Oh honey, I’m so so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. You’re a very strong person, I really admire you for that, so I know you’ll pull through this. The fact that you can function is amazing!

    I’ll be praying for you.

    xoxo

    • There’s a part of my mind that can’t even believe I’m going through it. Then there’s another part of me that is in disbelief of how exhausted I am by it all. Your prayers are appreciated. xoxo

  5. grrrace

    I’m so sorry, honey… I’m right near your work if you ever need to get away from there for a bit… Or if you don’t want to drive home in rush hour traffic…

    Love you lots. xox

    • I gave some thought to calling you, but even the 10 minutes to your house seemed an impossible feat on Monday. You’re the bestest friend ever. xoxo

  6. tony

    I am sorry sweetie that it hurts. If you need anything let me know, I love you sooooo much, nanananana, XXOXOXO, everything will be alright.
    :mrgreen:

  7. Your body will work things out–it is amazing how smart our bodies are. Yours knows what to do, and I hope your doctor respects that and allows you to miscarry naturally.

    As someone else said, if only our emotions were as good at healing …

    I am so sorry you’re going through this. It does suck, big-time. You are continually on my heart and mind, and I will continue to pray for your healing on all levels.

    Love you!

  8. stacey

    there is a website that was great support for me during and after my miscarriage. they are all about doing things naturally. you have to get sign up with a user name. there are hundreds of stories of how various women miscarried. horribly sad to read, but it helped me so much to find stories that were like mine. here is the link: http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=22
    take care of yourself!

  9. Angi

    Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry. I am here if you need an ear, shoulder, or someone to pass the kleenex. It may take the tissue a while to get to you, but you know what I mean. You and Tony are in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. hugs… gently… hope it doesn’t last too long… snuggle the kitties… oh and Tony… :0

  11. My prayers have been for you and Tony all week. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, so I won’t try.

    However, my team lead and his wife went through the same thing. Never thought they’d have another child and she got pregnant. And miscarried. They named their child and had a service for her. It provided them a measure of peace.

    Perhaps something like that would be helpful for you two as well. To acknowledge the BABY you lost.

    May the peace of the Lord be with you both.

  12. My heart is with you and I am so very sorry. Love you both.

  13. we continue praying …
    that faith grows, even in these, the most trying times …

  14. py

    A comforting prayer for you. Please know you have the permission to cry if you feel a need to.

    With care, PY.

  15. Oh My! This has to be so very difficult and the not knowing if you have passed the worst of the pain—that has to be quite challanging–to say the least!
    I wonder if you could Google this process and see what other women have experienced….?
    I’m with you on not wanting a surgical proceedure—and wanting to allow your body to do what it naturally wants to do.
    I send you BIG BIG HUGS, my dear, and lots of hope that you will be finshed with the process of the miscarriage of your little baby. I know it is sad, my dear Jammie.

    • So far, I think my body is doing what it’s supposed to do. At least I think so… I’ll probably get blood work done to confirm. I appreciate the big hugs and your compassion. You are always so good to me.

  16. Chris & Jim

    I am so sorry. You probably don’t remember me having 2 miscarriages after Megan was born…you probably watched her for me at some point! It hurts, it’s not fair and you will always relate to any other woman you hear about. And you will well up with tears at odd moments, always! You are in my prayers, allow yourself to grieve because you have lost a baby (not any other name for it!) and may God comfort you. If things don’t feel or look right get checked out, don’t risk complications. Love you lots!!! ~Chris (sorry I’m such a mom!)

    • I don’t know that you ever told me that you had miscarriages, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.
      I appreciate your concern and will likely go for blood work next week just to make sure the levels are OK.

      I love you. xo