I Need You.

I sat down here tonight to type my weekly Love & Loathe post and am finding that I just can’t do it. It feels superficial and forced, too perky for where we are tonight emotionally. Physically, too, now that I ponder it.

Tony is driving out to Las Vegas this evening to meet his dad and brother. His sister has been missing since February 25th, and they are attempting to find her. She has a mental illness and is supposed to be taking medications to help her, but she has missed important doctor appointments and, as a result, is likely off her meds. Tony has put together a simple website to get the word out on Facebook and Twitter.

**03/13/10 Update: After spending Friday in Vegas following leads, on Friday night, Tony’s sister surfaced. We don’t have all the details, maybe never will of what happened, but the important thing is that she’s OK.**

In addition, Tony’s grandfather’s health has been declining since January. There is a lot going on with him, and out of respect for his privacy, I will just share that he has been in and out of the hospital for treatment and testing. We are hoping that he will be OK once they get him stabilized, but will likely need to be in an assisted living facility. This has been especially hard on Tony’s elders as they try to figure out the best way to provide him the needed care, but also ensure that he feels loved, safe, comfortable and reassured.

**03/13/10 Update: On Friday Tony’s grandpa stabilized enough that he could eat solid foods and be placed in a living facility. I hope he’ll be around for many, many more years.**

And finally, Tony and I have been dealing with something incredibly personal as well. You may recall that we’ve been trying to start a family for three years and we were diagnosed with male factor infertility in December of 2007. We were told that the likelihood of me becoming pregnant by “normal methods” were less than 3%, or even less, when my age is factored in.

Miraculously, I am 2 1/2 months pregnant, and have been on pelvic rest for 1 1/2 of those months (no exercise, no sexercise, nothing that moves the pelvis beyond a sedentary life).

However, I was diagnosed last Friday with early pregnancy failure. By ultrasound, they can find the gestational sac and the yolk sac, but no baby. From what I’ve read on Dr. Google, there is a tiny, tiny, tiny chance that, because I have a tilted uterus, the baby may be hidden, but I… well, I don’t know. The doctor didn’t give me any hope at all and said I will miscarry within the next 2-3 weeks.

I spent most of Friday night and Saturday sobbing my heart out, grieving, for this baby we want so very badly, but the doctor says isn’t there. We are working on getting a second opinion, but ultimately, a second opinion won’t change what’s going to happen. Whatever that may be.

In the meantime, I’m trying to hold it together emotionally and physically at a new job, where I will finish my first week tomorrow.

There are times in life when I’ve come to realize that, no matter what I do, there is actually very little I can do to change the outcome of certain situations. When, through it all, I hold onto the fact that I know a God who can work miracles, whether it be peace of mind or putting a baby in my womb. Or giving loved ones wisdom when it comes to searching for a missing loved one or holding a family together when a loved one needs their help.

You guys are my extended family and now, more than ever, we need your love, prayers and emotional support.

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54 Comments

Filed under I feel Sad, I have Family, Kid Quest, Sex, Spirituality, Who I am

54 responses to “I Need You.

  1. grrrace

    There’s so much I feel like I want to or should say, but… at the same time, I don’t know what to say.

    I love you guys.

  2. Julie

    i don’t know what to say. i will pray for you and your family. (((hugs)))

  3. hana

    i’m sorry. xoxoxo.

  4. Chris & Jim

    WOW! You will be in our prayers our sweet Jammie! That is a lot on your plate right now; I am so sorry. I totally relate to the pregnancy complications and now I also can understand the concerns with Tony’s grandfather as we placed my dad in Dec. I do know those feelings and I do know our God is mighty and in control. I am praying for Tony’s sister and for their search. We love you and are sending HUGE cyber hugs!! If you need anything let us know.
    love, Chris

    • Oh, Chris, I just love you guys. Your prayers are much appreciated and I’ll take the cyber hugs until we see each other again for the real thing.

  5. I am so very sorry. You and Tony are in my prayers. I love y’all!

  6. Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry you’re going through so many trials all at once. Really, it’s not fair because you are so sweet (and you always leave such nice comments at my blog!). But I know that God wants to become closer than ever to you right now and I know He will help you through all of this as only He can. Hang in there and just take one day at a time, ok? You are in my thoughts and prayers. Someday things will be better–honest…. Hugs, Debra

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. You always write about “Grace” and doing things with Grace. It’s weird, but you know, I find Grace hiding in the strangest places these days and I always think of you when I find her. Hugs back.

  7. I remember my friend discovering she was having an empty pregnancy… she was 20 weeks at the time.. had two other kids already and she was devastated… so I can only begin to imagine how you are worrying and how this is making you feel.

    I am crossing everything I can… this may result in more typoes… I’ll cross a few toes for the other issues too… you realise I will now be falling over a lot…

    Big Hugs…

  8. Jackie

    I have never met you but I am sending love and prayers
    that you will get throught this difficult time. Pray and take each day as it comes and know that you are not alone!!

  9. Oh Honey…I am so sorry for all that you and Tony are going through. I did post about his sis on my facebook. I am so hoping for your tiny miracle. What a lucky baby he would be to have you and Tony. Hugs and prayers.

  10. You know I am praying, our church is praying, our family is praying…… God knows where you are, what you are dealing with, and why he has you on this path right now. If you need me, I’m just a phone call away 🙂

    I’ll post about Tony’s sister in a just a few minutes.

    • You know I appreciate your prayers… because I’m exhausted from it all. I also appreciate your phone call away friendship. More than I can say. (hugs)

  11. I will spread the word, wherever I can. You know I’ll be praying for you. God’s ways are indeed mysterious. I can’t think of any words that might be of comfort other than I will pray for you and Tony every day.

  12. stacey

    each life is precious whether it is with us for a few weeks or has been here for many, many years. God will care for all of them, even if they don’t remain with us on this earth. sending prayers for you and your family.

    • You summed it up better than I ever could have. Life is indeed precious. Thank you for the prayers.

    • Stacey

      My husband taught me that, so I can’t take full credit. Your baby is beautiful and loved, no matter how long it is with you in this world. I just hope that it stays with you for a lot longer.

    • Your husband is a wise man. I hope baby stays a long time, too, but I’ll keep it as long as it’s willing to stay around. Thanks so much for being here — on blog and off. Your support means a lot.

  13. My heart breaks for both of you. Be strong. Hoping for only good things to come out of all of this.

    • I’m trying. I’m just exhausted from it all. Sometimes I think I’ve reached the point of numbness from exhaustion and then I find that I’m crying and didn’t even know it, or that I wake up in tears.

  14. Marigold

    J, I read this last night and it has taken me awhile to absorb the shock of it. I’ve been trying to think of something even remotely comforting to say…I’m so sorry.

    • …thanks. I know… I don’t think I’ve absorbed the shock of it. I’ve taken a pregnancy test every day since I’ve found out and I still can’t believe that I can turn the stick to positive. Even more, I can’t believe that I have all these weird symptoms and, according to the doctor, they don’t mean a successful pregnancy. 😦

  15. Oh Jammie dear…So much going on that is difficult and painful. I am so very sorry, my dear. I PRAY that they find Tony’s sister and that the health of his Granfather will be good…! And You My Dear….I send you big big hugs and encourage you to not give up hope. If there is no Baby there this time round…keep trying. Sending you much love and lots and lots of White Light!

    • Thankfully, Tony’s sister surfaced late Friday evening. His grandpa is stabilizing and is eating solid foods. I’m so pleased that those two situations seem to be on the right path.

      As for me, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time. For every day that I turn a pregnancy test positive, I tell myself that “I am pregnant for today” and I savor each moment of it. A yolk sac means that there was a baby in there at one point… and that means a lot to me.

  16. electrictracey

    I’m sending you a HUG!!!! I’ll say a prayer for you and Tony. Love ya

  17. you know you have our continued prayers …
    big (hugs) to you and Tony … what a tiring week for sure …

  18. Caryl

    Don’t forget, Daylight savings time change. As if you don’t have enough to deal with. Love you.

  19. Caryl

    Sounds like Tony was late. oops!
    I read about the time change on the internet. So now your minus 12 hours and minus 4 more instead of minus 5 more. Makes sense?
    Love you,

  20. Caryl

    Somehow, that makes you feel closer to me! 🙂

  21. Maybe it’s naive of me to think so, but even if this baby isn’t a baby, I choose to believe that it means that it IS possible for you to get pregnant. I think that’s a positive thing, so keep trying!

  22. tony

    thank you everyone for your prayers and well wishes.
    and I love you sweetie.
    XXOXOXOXO

  23. py

    Dear Jammie, love, prayers and care for you and Tony.

  24. Hope all does well. Oh – mommie!!

  25. Lynne

    My sweet girl. I am deliquent in my reading and missed this. I have so many thoughts in my head, but the one I think you need to hear now is that I love you. I didn’t know and now feel like such a clod for my invite. I love you.

    • No need to feel bad, so please don’t. You don’t have a mean bone in your body, you radiate love and I know you would never intend to hurt me. xoxo