Monthly Archives: April 2010

Loathe & Love — 04/29/10 (updated)

Loathe:

*Apparently feeling the need to burn, baby, burn. I burned The roof of my mouth the other day. I followed that up by swiping my finger along the barrel of my hot, HOT curling iron, and then I very nearly got the side of my hand on the clothes iron. I’m giving a wide berth to the lit candles in our house right now… I don’t need to lose another chunk of hair from sliding it through a lit candle wick (like I did last December).

*Grapes that were proclaimed to be seedless by the store where I bought them, but weren’t.

* New law in Orange County: If you buy fish at the pet store, you have to register yourself as a fish owner. Something about bacteria… I’m hoping my eyes will stop rolling from exasperation at this new law soon. It’s been six days now.

Love:

*Summer sandals in fun colors.

* My husband, who intuitively seems to know when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I came home one day last week to discover that he had put away the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen. Usually, those are my chores but sometimes he just takes over and does them. Sometimes, I like a man who knows how to take over. *rawr*

* My husband’s meat loaf. Seriously good stuff.

* These gorgeous things. Every time I’ve gone swimming this month, I’ve smelled this glorious jasmine-like scent. I finally figured out that the awesome smell was coming from these trees. I have no idea what they are, but they’re absolutely spectacular, both visually and olfactory.

* We saved four “feeder” goldfish from certain death. Got ’em at the pet store for $.27 each last Saturday. They’re pretty and a bargain. Let’s hope they’re around for long term, because the county knows we have them. 🙄

* I asked my boss if I can work earlier hours on Thursdays. My goal is to leave work in time to be able to participate in the aquatic exercise class at the gym. Tonight was my first night back since February. I was incredibly touched to be welcomed back so warmly by the instructor and classmates, especially given the reason I stopped going.

One Last Thing:

So far this year, it seems to be the running theme of learning to have grace when faced with situations beyond human control.

I’ve asked Tony’s permission to share with you his family’s needs, with a request for prayers and thoughts. His grandfather has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which has spread to other organs. If that weren’t enough, he also has some broken ribs (he fell) and pneumonia.

Our prayer is that God will ease his pain, and bring some measure of comfort to him and the family, for the period of time that he has remaining on this earth. As well as provide his caretakers (his daughters) with wisdom and peace.

I’ve heard it said that getting old isn’t for sissies. In fact, my own grandpa said it when he was gettin’ on in years. Indeed, a truer statement has never been said: Getting old definitely isn’t for sissies.

**************Update — 04/30/2010**************
Tony’s grandpa passed away this afternoon shortly after 4 PM. He would have been 91 years old the end of May. I’d like to think that he’s now met Miracle, his 8th great-grandchild, in Heaven, who got there 4 weeks ahead of him. The dates of their passing are like bookends, April 1st and April 30th, into God’s hands.

It’s been a strange month.

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Filed under Best Husband, I have Family, I have Friends, Love/Loathe

Love & Loathe — 04/22/10

Loathe:

* Having a sore jaw after a dental cleaning. Never used to have post-cleaning jaw pain until after the dentist yanked and pulled and yanked a wisdom tooth out six years ago. Which is why you should always have a specialist do those types of surgeries, I’m thinking.

* When I spend my lunch time driving to a store to purchase something after having researched it online, only to learn that the product is only available online. It should have said so on their website! If I should choose to order it, I’d have to either pay shipping, or spend $50 to get free shipping. Oh, I think not! I will go to your competitor and buy it and NOT pay shipping.

Love:

* In the past week, I’ve had extreme swimming weather. Saturday and Sunday I had my first “under the sun” swimming of the year, and then Wednesday evening I had “swimming in the rain” weather. Both are all kinds of awesomeness, as far as I’m concerned and makes for a very happy Jammie J.

* Francine Rivers. She’s the author of the Mark of the Lion series I wrote about in last week’s post. I’ve now read another of her other books, and got another one in the mail which I can’t wait to start reading. I love how well-researched her books are and well-developed her characters are. Such a thrill to read quality books.

* Bringing laughter and joy to the lives of the people I work with. I love feeling like I’m making a difference to their lives.

* Getting “real” mail in my mail box. In this virtual world we all seem to have embraced, getting a real piece of mail is a nice reminder that people do still know how to put pen to paper.

One Last Thing:

Lately I’ve felt so quiet inside. Not surprising, I suppose, given how much noise has been clamoring inside of my head so far this year. All the teeter-tottering emotions of fearing a miscarriage and, conversely, trying to accept that whatever will be, will be.

And then the miscarriage happened… and when I finally had Miracle, it was as if I instantaneously felt … empty.

Empty and quiet. It was over. Irrevocable. No other outcome was possible.

And now I feel quiet. It’s not depression or sadness, not really. it’s more of a re-alignment of perspective. Ecclesiastes is one of my favorite books in the Bible, some say that King Solomon was depressed when he wrote it, but I personally feel as if he realized that the routine of our days and the focus on minutiae is all overly-dramatic and can be all-consuming, if we let it. Details and routines need to get done, but when it all comes to an end, what we’ve worked on for our souls, our spirituality, is what really matters.

And for now, life continues. My boss gave me an effusive thank you for helping him get organized. The details and minutiae of his job had overrun his office, and I helped him tame it… an ongoing project, to be sure, but the thank you made me smile inside all the way home. Even while stuck in traffic.

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Filed under Kid Quest, Love/Loathe, Money Hump Building

Love & Loathe — 04/15/10

Loathe:

* How confused my hormones are these days trying to get back into the rhythm of things. (sigh) Mostly physical symptoms, thank the Lord for that, I’ll take physical discomfort over emotional havoc every single time. But the acne, bloating and other weird stuff… well, it’s tiring.

* Traffic. For the most part, I’ve made my peace with the fact that on normal days it takes double the time it should to get to work, or get home, but there are times it just tries my patience.

* We lost two fish this week. The last of our tetras died — we called the tank he lived in “the Guppy Tank with a tetra,” now we can just call it the Guppy Tank. Also, our goldfish died. This really made me sad, because he’d been around for at least three years. He was a Japanese fancy goldfish and swam kind of like an aimless bubble. He confused the heck out of me, because I’m used to observing my cichlids. The way he swam, I constantly thought he was on the verge, but he outlasted all my dire predictions.

Love:

* How excited my husband was when he found an article online about companies (like Starbucks, PF Changs, etc.) who were offering discounts or free things for tax day. He kept getting up and sharing, “Starbucks is offering free coffee if you bring your own mug!” or “PF Chang’s is offering 15% off!” We ended up having PF Chang’s for dinner, by the way.

* The Mark of the Lion series of books, written by Francine Rivers. I’ve found myself as addicted to reading these books as I was to reading the Twilight series. Which also partially explains my absence on the Internet these days.

* Dear friends like Grace. She was there to help me at the hour of 6 AM for a computer difficulty. When she asked if I was alright, I said, “Yes, but my computer isn’t!” She replied soothingly, “Honey, if your computer isn’t OK, then YOU aren’t OK.” *sniffle* So true.

* Watermelon. I bought one, even though I know they’re not yet in season. It’s not very good, but with every bite of it, I glimpse how good they will be this summer and I cannot wait!

* How busy I am at work. I can’t believe how the time just seems to fly past — in a good way. I don’t know what the future holds at this place, or even if I have a future there (since I’m a temp), but I feel so at peace being there… it just feels as if I’m in the right place for my needs, and theirs, for now. That is a nice feeling.

One Last Thing:

Random question: If you buy SmartWater, are you smarter for having bought it or dumber for having paid an exorbitant price for distilled water?

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Filed under Love/Loathe

Love & Loathe — 04/08/10

Loathe:

* Feeling like I’ve aged about 10 years in the last 3 months.

* Feminine pads. I hate those things and much prefer my Diva cup. But the pads, well, they were a necessary evil for 3 weeks. Trusty old Diva couldn’t handle what was going on, plus I guess when you’re having a miscarriage you really aren’t supposed to be putting stuff up in there. I’m sooo glad I finally graduated to pantyliners. TMI? Sorry, much of my life is about crotch issues these days.

* Being cold. I will never understand why office buildings have to be so cold. When the forecast says it will be 85 degrees outside that day, I feel silly marching into work with a coat on, but I know if I don’t, I’ll be marching out with icicles on my nose.


Love:

* My pay check is now direct deposit. Woo hoo! I’ve long wondered why unemployment checks can’t be direct deposited? Maybe because then some people (me, me, me!!!) would never leave the house?

* Having an accountant. With all that’s gone on with me this year so far, I threw up my hands and had a meltdown over our taxes. So, we now have an accountant. If it was just me and my taxes, I’d be cool. But Tony’s situation is just way over my head and I’m glad we now have a specialist to handle it.

* My husband, who rigged up two of my favorite things (Lovey the Lavender Lamb and my cinnamon disk candy). The dude knows how to make me laugh. LOVEY, GET OUT OF MY CANDY!

* You guys. Every one of you.

One Last Thing:

My lap swimming is going … swimmingly. It feels so good to be swimming again, and that I can do so outside? A tiny slice of Heaven every night. Before I was put on activity restriction by my doctor in February, I swam laps non-stop for up to an hour every single day. To have that taken away cold turkey, no matter how good the reason for it, was especially difficult for me, because I use exercise as an emotional and hormonal stabilizer.

The other thing I use as an outlet is singing. For some reason, that one slips my mind until I’m inspired by someone. I mentioned how much I loved Pink’s song, Glitter in the Air, in last week’s Love & Loathe post. I suppose the reason I love this particular song so much, is to me, it’s a song about moments — the good and bad moments — and acknowledging that it’s BOTH kinds of moments that put a person where they are in their life.

Since I couldn’t get the song out of my head, I decided to download the accompaniment track and sing it myself. If you’ve a mind to, go ahead and have a listen. LINK

In the meantime, I’ll just keep swimming and singing…

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Filed under Love/Loathe, Mermaid Envy

Out of the Ordinary.

The night was crisp and cool, I was driving with the top down on my convertible, and I made a wish on a shooting star. The star appeared out of nowhere, bright and fleeting, visible to me for maybe five seconds. That was two weeks ago. Or was it three?

I felt silly then, I knew my wish wouldn’t come true. All the wishes in the world couldn’t change what was already happening. Of course, my wish didn’t come true, and I realize now that it wasn’t a shooting star, it was a falling star. The word makes a difference, at least in my brain.

It was a pretty thing to see, anyway, in the darkened night sky. Something I’ll remember. Something out of the ordinary.

I watched the sunset tonight while swimming laps in our community pool. I swam and swam and swam and swam and swam, and then swam some more, until I couldn’t swim no more, because I had to get out and pee. I swam hard, it feels so damn good to be able to use every muscle in my body again. I want to feel every muscle in my body again.

I think I’ll get that wish tomorrow.

Thing was, I was trying to outswim my mind, or swim it to the point of exhaustion, anyway. That didn’t work so well. The mind is always going to be faster, more fleeting and agile, than the body.

Grief is a strange thing. Weeping is something I find myself doing without any conscious thought, suddenly, I’m just there crying and I’d like to stop, but there doesn’t seem to be an off switch I can find. It just eventually tapers off, until the next session. I guess it’s just best to let it be?

On Easter, the day our Lord rose again so many years ago, we buried Miracle. Do the innocent go to Heaven? I’d like to think so. I’d like to believe that Miracle is in Heaven, holding my dad’s hand with her left hand, and our Heavenly Father’s hand with her right.

Now that would be something out of the ordinary.

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Filed under I feel Sad, Kid Quest

In Memoriam.

The morning of April 1st I finally passed our baby.

I didn’t post about it then because it wasn’t a joke, nor was it funny. Although the irony of the date wasn’t lost on me.

Even more ironic than it being April Fools’ Day was the fact that, when we first found out I was pregnant and calculated the dates, innocently lost in the excitement of it all, April 1st was the day we considered telling our family and friends our news.

Yesterday, I received this special gift in the mail from Stacey (a family friend and reader of my blog). Thank you, Stacey, words cannot express how much this means to us.

It reads, “Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.”

We named our baby “Miracle.” It seemed appropriate.

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Love & Loathe — 04/01/10

Loathe:

* Fart fans in bathrooms. I hear our neighbor’s fart fan through the wall. The Farty McFarty’s they must be, because it runs a lot.

*Stanley Steemer trucks. Our other neighbors have them out once a month, it seems like. The thing is, once you have your carpets cleaned, you’ll always have to have your carpets cleaned. The spots will return in the same exact places forever.

Love:

* Glitter in the Air, sung by Pink. I watched her sing this at the Grammy’s and it yanked my heart out. I’d stayed away from her music for some odd reason, never even listened to her. But watching her that night, I re-evaluated my stance. Now I can’t get enough of her throaty, raspy, powerful voice. And I love the lyrics of this song… (link to YouTube video) I play it over and over again, to the point that Tony has started teasing me about it.

* Green bags. I still love them, they still work great for preserving veggies, bananas, etc. But, I have found that they don’t work so well for “wet” veggies, like tomatoes or cucumbers. Also, my love for them was validated by an article in Reader’s Digest about them. Nothing validates a person more than Reader’s Digest, right?

* The irony of having received five calls on my resume in the last two weeks, one from a resume submission I made last November — FIVE MONTHS AGO. Where were all these jobs when I needed them then?

* I found some newspapers from 2005 under my filing cabinet at work. I love old news… one article highlighted a developer who was building high rise towers off the freeway I travel every day, with the byline of “the economy is so booming, they expect to sell out in a matter of days.” Fascinating, given the state of things today.

* Oh, Disneyland, with your magical candy concoctions, how I love thee. At two inches thick, I don’t know how anyone else gets the first bite into one of those things, but I used a hammer and a knife.

* My Easter egg fingernails.

* Easter goodies at Walmart.

*My car passed its smog test tonight. This is a good thing.

One Last Thing:

Last night, Tony and I went for a walk around our neighborhood. We’ve been doing this walking thing when I can’t swim due to “lady problems.” Usually, we hold hands as we pace along together. It’s a nice time to reconnect with each other after having been apart all day.

So last night, we had a couple silly conversations (which I tried to recapture and deleted because they weren’t as funny as having been there), and suddenly we found ourselves skipping together, and giggling like two goofy kids, down the long stretch of sidewalk alongside a very busy street. The more we skipped, the louder our guffaws became. We found ourselves laughing so hard while exerting ourselves, we were having trouble catching our breath.

There were some teenagers on the other side of the street, a 4-lane street, who noticed us two very tall adults skipping, and they started singing loudly at us, “Skip, skip, skip to my Lou, my darling!” And then Tony started singing it back at them, just as loudly.

It was funny. A funny reminder to me to never forget that laughter is good for me, and that as adults, we don’t skip nearly as often as we should. Skip, skip, skip to my Lou, my darling.

Happy Easter.

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Filed under Best Husband, Love/Loathe