Category Archives: Sometimes I Dream

Letter to our 11 month old

Dear William,

This week on 11/08/11, you turn 48 weeks or 11 months old.

Despite all my fretting and worrying about the time change this past weekend, it wasn’t an issue at all.  You ended up taking a 2 hour 20 minute afternoon nap that day, and then I kept you up 1.5 hours past your bedtime.  You were soooo happy about staying up — you love partying with your parents!  You spent an inordinate amount of time opening and closing a kitchen cabinet, and then shredding a piece of aluminum foil that you found in that cabinet.  You industriously got into the top drawer of my desk and pulled out my bendy ruler and then sat down and happily played with that for awhile.  Basically, you got into everything you shouldn’t (or you thought you shouldn’t).  Once in bed, you slept deeply and, remarkably, you slept until 6:30am (adjusted time) the next morning, which is your normal wake time… and you’ve been doing that all week now.

One of the pipes connecting to our water heater sprung a leak last week, the morning of my birthday, in fact.  My first thought?  How are we going to wash your diapers??  Thankfully our neighbors washed them for us that night, which really is going above and beyond being a friendly neighbor, but what can I say?  We’re surrounded by amazing people!  The next challenge was your bath water… so heated that on the stove and carried the warmed water upstairs to pour in your bathtub.  Your father diligently tried to fix the water heater for three days, but to no avail.  The water that poured down over it must have ruined the thermostat, so I ended up purchasing a new one, and your father installed it.  It seems kind of sad that one paragraph can sum up what was a huge hiccup in our life and routine, but it can.

You attended your first story time at the library this week.  Your Grandma D. said you did well and enjoyed watching the big kids.  They read the “Quiet/Loud” book, one of the books you’re familiar with. Also, some finger puppets stories and used the shakers.  You loved the shakers, you use those in your weekly music class. Then afterward, rolling up the rug the kids sat on and playing with the dirty flag stand were highlights for you.  I guess Mondays are going to be busy days for you — library story time AND your music class!

Developments:  You are weighing in at 27 pounds 10 ounces this week.  Clothing sizes, still the same.  18 month sizes, but we’re buying you 24 month sizes.  Diaper strategy — same as last week.

You wave consistently, sometimes it happens a little late… like after we’ve said our goodbyes and are around the corner you remember that you’re supposed to wave goodbye, but you do get your wave out there, and you wave and wave and wave and accompany it with “Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye!” You say, “HIIIIIIIIIIIII!” to me when I get home from work.  Open mouthed kisses, oh my gosh, I love these.  It feels like you’re going to eat my nose or my cheek or my chin when you do them, but any kiss you’re willing to dole out, I’ll take it!  When I ask you in the morning , “Do you see your neighborhood?” You will turn and look out the window.  And when asked, “Do you see your flag?”  You adjust your eyes downward to where the flag hangs.  Before I pull you out of your crib for nursing, I ask you “Where’s Froggy?  Can you get Froggy?”  You reach down and grab your Froggy Lovey.  You say “Uh oh” BEFORE you drop something on purpose and AFTER if you dropped something accidentally, all while leaning over to watch it fall or see where it landed.  You say, “Naaa naaa,” with a smile and a bit of desperation, for nursing, and will point at the nursing pillow.  You say “cat” and hiss when you see a cat.  When you see a bird in the sky, you say “Ahhhhh ahhhhhhh” in a high-pitched voice, sounding much like a very happy crow cawing (we have lots of crows around us).  You say “pop” for popsicle, which is your afternoon treat.  You are >>>thisclose<<< to taking your first unsupported step.  I have a ridiculous number of videos of you standing there, looking like you’re going to do it, and then you plop down and take off crawling.  Then the dilemma, do I delete it because you didn’t take a step or keep it because it’s YOU?

Food:
Butternut squash, is still a no go.

You love peas, kidney beans, persimmons, bananas (of course), apple, pears, chicken, and turkey.  The banana oatmeal bars I make for you continue to be a highlight of your day. Cheerios continue to be a choice addiction.  Last week it was the funniest thing, I gave you a half of banana and went to work in the kitchen cleaning a bowl.  I looked at you a minute later and you were sitting there in your high chair with a grin on your face and the banana nowhere in sight.  A little exasperated, I checked the floor, your legs, your bib pocket… and finally came to the conclusion that you had, in fact, EATEN the banana in its entirety… not even leaving any on your face or hands!  Which is why I find it amusing that one or two of our cats are always circling below your high chair while you eat.  As if you would deign to share you precious food with them?  ha ha Right.

One of the nights this week, you pulled yourself up and pointed at an apple, which was right near the bananas, which is your favorite.  Surprised, I asked if you wanted an apple, you pointed at it again. So I gave it to you, and you sat down on the floor and started eating it just like, well, like it was an apple and like you were an adult.

You have started to sort your food… broccoli, green beans you set aside for later.  Colorless food, bananas or turkey, for example, you will eat first. Popsicles take priority over anything else.
You love to drink water from a straw, and since you’ve been a bit unpredictable with your morning bottle, I thought we might try cold breastmilk in a straw cup.  You were interested but more fascinated by the fact that your fingertip fit in the tip of the straw.  I’m thinking maybe a “real” straw instead of the rubber straw might be in order.

Things I want to remember about you this week:  The way you suck on your hand or forearm when we lay you on the changing table.  How you cry when we lay you on the changing table if you’ve pooped in your diaper… I have NO idea why you do this, but I can always tell just by your reaction if you have pooped.  When I offer to nurse, you smile and softly say “Naaa naaa.”  When I cover your eyes and ask you “Guess who?” you laugh and laugh and laugh.  The way you crawl into the midst of all the children at your music class to claim your instrument when it’s freestyle time.  How anything and everything is an instrument to you — you pat the toilet lid, an empty box, lids to pans, even your legs — all as if they’re a drum.  How loud you are when you’re nursing or eating food, proclaiming loudly to all within 25 feet your enjoyment of your nourishment.

A few years ago, my sister-in-law shared with me how she and her husband were somewhat nervous when they first learned they were expecting their first child, it can be a bit intimidating.  But then she said she realized that it would be OK, because you grow with your children.  And so it was this morning that I woke at 5:30am to escape a bad dream, one where I woke with tears rolling down my face.   I dreamt that someone had kidnapped you and no one could find you, and I kept asking everyone if they had heard anything, anything at all,and no one could answer my question the way I wanted them to.  I felt so bereft and lost.  I checked the video monitor and you were there, where you were supposed to be, sleeping peacefully on your side, your arms extended in front of you and your hands clutched together as if in prayer, Froggy in the midst of it all.  You were OK.  When we drive over speed bumps, and you’re in the car, your father and I both say “BOINGY, BOINGY!!”  simply because it makes you smile.  I asked your father the other day if he hears in his head the “BOINGY BOINGY” even if you’re not in the car.  He smiled at me and replied, “Yes, but that’s because I still say it… to the empty car.”  Which is to say that somehow what my sister-in-law shared with me years ago has now become a reality… we have grown with you, and you have filled our lives with such joy, even to the point that we entertain you even when you’re somewhere else.

Happy 11 months, my lovebug… and now, I have one month left to try to wrap my head around the fact that next month you will be one year old.

Love, Momma

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Filed under Letter to William, Our Kid is Cute, Sometimes I Dream

Peering Through Pain.

Tony is a little amazed that I just seem to keep going, pain or not. He says most people would just stay home… I suppose he’s right. But the thing is, I learned a long time ago that if I let pain control my life, then pain becomes my life. I’d rather have a life and deal with pain, than to isolate myself because of my fear of pain, or fear of showing others my pain.

As with most life altering things, I’m learning that having a miscarriage is one of those things that silently twines itself around the daily happenings of a person’s life. Of my life. It’s weird, because it’s like this quiet grief of which no one ever speaks. No one I meet on the street has any idea that at the moment I’m telling them “I’m fine,” in response to their standard greeting of, “How are you?” I’m actually losing a life I’ve nourished for 2 1/2 months, and a dream for which we’ve prayed for 3 years.

Today would have marked the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

The dreams are hard, and I’ve awakened more than once the past few days because I’ve been crying in my sleep. ~~ I felt like I’d been punched in the gut the other day when I saw a woman holding her newborn close to her cheek. ~~ I wanted to punch someone in the gut when, within the first five minutes of meeting him and his obviously pregnant wife, he made more than three comments about his wife being pregnant.

Irritable. Sad. Sensitive. Tired. Impatient. Cramps. Bleeding.

Yet, despite the pain — emotional and physical — I’ve been able to carry on a semblance of a normal life. I’m able to go to work, learn new things and practice my craft as an assistant. The people I work with are cool and hip. There are fun perks at this company, like free breakfasts every Friday, sponsored by the company.

Tony and I were able to have a great weekend together. Friday night, we went up to the local mountains and, Saturday morning, visited our friends (the cook & waitresses) at our favorite breakfast restaurant up there. Which also means we’ll think of them and our time up there for most of the week, because we have breakfast leftovers.

We drove down Saturday afternoon to attend a Honda-sponsored dinner event for the people who rode on their float in the Rose Parade. A dinner at a ritzy steakhouse, with appetizers, salad, main course (filet mignon for us, please) and dessert. The representative from Honda said they’d stayed away from having riders on their floats in years past, but now might reconsider that policy in the future because all the float riders this year were so wonderful. As a thank you, beyond the experience, memories and dinner, they gave all the float riders photo albums and DVDs. I continue to be so impressed with Honda corporation.

This weekend was also Marigold’s birthday and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show invited us to join them at Disneyland. Our schedules meshed up, so we spent the afternoon at the happiest place on earth, riding kiddie rides with the kiddies and getting our picture taken with Mickey Mouse.

The best ride of the day was the Jungle Cruise, because I got this picture of nephew Huck just after we saw the hippopotamuses get “shot at” by our guide. He wasn’t pleased.

Grateful. Blessed. Loved. Grace. Amazed. Miracles.

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