Peering Through Pain.

Tony is a little amazed that I just seem to keep going, pain or not. He says most people would just stay home… I suppose he’s right. But the thing is, I learned a long time ago that if I let pain control my life, then pain becomes my life. I’d rather have a life and deal with pain, than to isolate myself because of my fear of pain, or fear of showing others my pain.

As with most life altering things, I’m learning that having a miscarriage is one of those things that silently twines itself around the daily happenings of a person’s life. Of my life. It’s weird, because it’s like this quiet grief of which no one ever speaks. No one I meet on the street has any idea that at the moment I’m telling them “I’m fine,” in response to their standard greeting of, “How are you?” I’m actually losing a life I’ve nourished for 2 1/2 months, and a dream for which we’ve prayed for 3 years.

Today would have marked the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

The dreams are hard, and I’ve awakened more than once the past few days because I’ve been crying in my sleep. ~~ I felt like I’d been punched in the gut the other day when I saw a woman holding her newborn close to her cheek. ~~ I wanted to punch someone in the gut when, within the first five minutes of meeting him and his obviously pregnant wife, he made more than three comments about his wife being pregnant.

Irritable. Sad. Sensitive. Tired. Impatient. Cramps. Bleeding.

Yet, despite the pain — emotional and physical — I’ve been able to carry on a semblance of a normal life. I’m able to go to work, learn new things and practice my craft as an assistant. The people I work with are cool and hip. There are fun perks at this company, like free breakfasts every Friday, sponsored by the company.

Tony and I were able to have a great weekend together. Friday night, we went up to the local mountains and, Saturday morning, visited our friends (the cook & waitresses) at our favorite breakfast restaurant up there. Which also means we’ll think of them and our time up there for most of the week, because we have breakfast leftovers.

We drove down Saturday afternoon to attend a Honda-sponsored dinner event for the people who rode on their float in the Rose Parade. A dinner at a ritzy steakhouse, with appetizers, salad, main course (filet mignon for us, please) and dessert. The representative from Honda said they’d stayed away from having riders on their floats in years past, but now might reconsider that policy in the future because all the float riders this year were so wonderful. As a thank you, beyond the experience, memories and dinner, they gave all the float riders photo albums and DVDs. I continue to be so impressed with Honda corporation.

This weekend was also Marigold’s birthday and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show invited us to join them at Disneyland. Our schedules meshed up, so we spent the afternoon at the happiest place on earth, riding kiddie rides with the kiddies and getting our picture taken with Mickey Mouse.

The best ride of the day was the Jungle Cruise, because I got this picture of nephew Huck just after we saw the hippopotamuses get “shot at” by our guide. He wasn’t pleased.

Grateful. Blessed. Loved. Grace. Amazed. Miracles.



Filed under Best Husband, Entertainment can be Cheap, Health/Endo, I did something Special, I feel Sad, I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building, Sometimes I Dream

22 responses to “Peering Through Pain.

  1. Chris & Jim

    hello sweet J~
    Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and praying for you. I do understand all those emotions and feelings, been there too. You will always greive for this baby, and you will notice things you never did before, sometimes at the most unexpected times. Tears of sadness and joy will follow.
    So glad the Grizzly diner hit the spot!!! YUM!!! Sounds like you had a very full and fun weekend, with a lot of food!! Love you !! Chris

    • I think I need to call you and ask you some questions… if you don’t mind?

      We love Charlie and his crew at the Grizzly Manor. They are wonderful people. Plus it’s just fun to watch them serve so much food in such a small place. πŸ™‚

  2. You are in my prayers. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug (or two, or twenty) and just be there for you.

    So glad you had a good weekend with some smiles!

    • I wish you lived closer, too. I was just thinking… we’ve “known” each other for a long time. Remember when you did a headstand for me? πŸ™‚

  3. tony

    Big Hug to you sweetie. Our day will come for us when we are given a gift from heaven. I love you and support you however I can and everyday. Smile because I am thinking of you always where ever I am at. Miss you and love you.

  4. stacey

    i know those feelings so well. every time you see a pregnant woman or a baby you ache. it is so painful. it does take a long time for the body to heal as well. i wish there was some sort of badge or something you could wear to say, i am grieving and in pain so please be extra sensitive to me. it seems like this is the time when you start to notice that everyone is talking about babies and pregnancies. no one should have to go through this, yet so many do. i hope things get easier for you, at least physically.

    • Ohhh, with our infertility diagnosis, the baby/pregnancy thing has always kind of been a marker of time passing. The miscarriage just turns the awareness into anguish. (sigh) I read on (I think that’s the website), that something like 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That’s just insane to me. 😦

  5. angi

    I’m glad you were able to enjoy your weekend. I am still and will forever pray for you my friend.

    I agree with stacey, there should be a badge or something to wear so others will be more considerate.

    • I love you, Ang. You are a great friend. A badge would be nice, but the thing is, I wish people were just more aware of the people around them. Period. Particularly that guy bragging about his “tagging”… it was more than just the pregnancy statements, he was also answering for her and that annoys the shit out of me when guys do that. She was standing RIGHT THERE, she can answer her own questions, you know?

  6. grrrace

    You are amazing. And I love you. πŸ™‚

    Hugs to you and to Tony, too. πŸ™‚

    • I’m so very glad we were able to see each other today. And the Ramen was delicious! πŸ™‚
      Thank you so much for being there & letting me crash your lunch party. hehe

  7. your whole capacity to be able to share with others who grieve – has just been enlarged by this sadness … but because of Easter – because of Jesus … one day you will actually meet your sweet baby, who is enjoying heaven at the moment …

    blessings on you & Tony …

  8. Monday we performed the living Stations of the Cross, and there’s a dialog by the narrator of Mary talking about what it was like to hold Jesus in her arms after they took him down from the cross. It was very powerful to hear and consider. A mother’s love for her child is far different than a father’s love. And I can’t help think of you as I think of that moment. Since this is Holy Week, perhaps it’s a good time to reflect on that.

    Glad you guys had some fun times. And that the job is so cool. You need some light right now.

    • Interesting experience you had… thanks for sharing that with me/us.

      You’re right… the job is a light for me. I didn’t even think to put it that way, but that’s what it is.

  9. daydreambetty

    I’m so amazed by you.

  10. py

    You have been an inspiration in some ways. This seems a period of pain and grief. At the same time, I see that you have mustered the courage and strength to be greater than the pain and grief that you are going through.

    May you remember to nourish and take good care of yourself so that when the time comes soon, all conditions are well-met for your dreams to come true.

  11. grrrace

    I’m glad you came over πŸ˜€ it was awesome to see you!!! I miss you!