Out of the Ordinary.

The night was crisp and cool, I was driving with the top down on my convertible, and I made a wish on a shooting star. The star appeared out of nowhere, bright and fleeting, visible to me for maybe five seconds. That was two weeks ago. Or was it three?

I felt silly then, I knew my wish wouldn’t come true. All the wishes in the world couldn’t change what was already happening. Of course, my wish didn’t come true, and I realize now that it wasn’t a shooting star, it was a falling star. The word makes a difference, at least in my brain.

It was a pretty thing to see, anyway, in the darkened night sky. Something I’ll remember. Something out of the ordinary.

I watched the sunset tonight while swimming laps in our community pool. I swam and swam and swam and swam and swam, and then swam some more, until I couldn’t swim no more, because I had to get out and pee. I swam hard, it feels so damn good to be able to use every muscle in my body again. I want to feel every muscle in my body again.

I think I’ll get that wish tomorrow.

Thing was, I was trying to outswim my mind, or swim it to the point of exhaustion, anyway. That didn’t work so well. The mind is always going to be faster, more fleeting and agile, than the body.

Grief is a strange thing. Weeping is something I find myself doing without any conscious thought, suddenly, I’m just there crying and I’d like to stop, but there doesn’t seem to be an off switch I can find. It just eventually tapers off, until the next session. I guess it’s just best to let it be?

On Easter, the day our Lord rose again so many years ago, we buried Miracle. Do the innocent go to Heaven? I’d like to think so. I’d like to believe that Miracle is in Heaven, holding my dad’s hand with her left hand, and our Heavenly Father’s hand with her right.

Now that would be something out of the ordinary.



Filed under I feel Sad, Kid Quest

22 responses to “Out of the Ordinary.

  1. Lynne

    They do, and she is. It’s not out of the ordinary. It’s the fulfillment of her name. The greatest blessing and miracle of all? You will meet her one day. She will know you and you will know her. She will be whole, perfect, healthy and beautiful.

    Until that time, she and our Abba Daddy are all around you. You will hear her from time to time. And you will smile. I promise.

  2. Definitely, with every ounce of my heart, I believe all babies and young children go to Heaven. I have no doubts, not one…. Still praying… Debra

  3. Yes, she is there, and someday you will be with her again.

    I knew of a sweet little old lady who used to say that, when she got to Heaven, she was going to rock all the little babies who never made it out of the womb. Call me sentimental, but I like to think that she’s rocking little Miracle right now.

  4. grrrace

    Now I’m crying. Great.

    Love you, honey. SO much.

  5. tony

    Love you sweetie pie, I know your wish will come true. I love you and one day we will share that love.

  6. Oh hugs. I don’t know what else to say.

  7. I teach baptism prep at our church and the innocent do go to Heaven. The Lord takes care of His own, don’t you worry.

    I understand trying to turn off your mind by punishing your body. I’ve done it before as well and it works sometimes. I’ve been praying for you guys every chance I get and especially remembered you at Easter.

    The Lord grant you His peace in your time of sorrow.

  8. py

    Maybe grieving is a natural way that the body does to prepare for the realisation of a greater joy and purpose somewhere in the future?

    I believe Miracle is now in Heaven my dear, witnessing your love.

    • Yes, I do think grieving prepares us to recognize greater joy in the future. I often wish I could make promises that I don’t need to bear grief, that I promise to appreciate all joy given to me, you know?

      I do dearly hope Miracle is in Heaven and happy. xo

  9. Angi

    J- Sweetie Miracle is definitely in Heaven. She is nudging God every once in a while and letting him know that you and Tony need another shot of peace and grace. She knows that she has the most amazing parents ever, and is keeping a watch over you from above.

  10. That’s a funny reason to get out of the pool (just ask all the kids that use it)

  11. so very sorry for your loss. xoxo.