April 15, 2010 · 10:45 pm

Love & Loathe — 04/15/10

Loathe:

* How confused my hormones are these days trying to get back into the rhythm of things. (sigh) Mostly physical symptoms, thank the Lord for that, I’ll take physical discomfort over emotional havoc every single time. But the acne, bloating and other weird stuff… well, it’s tiring.

* Traffic. For the most part, I’ve made my peace with the fact that on normal days it takes double the time it should to get to work, or get home, but there are times it just tries my patience.

* We lost two fish this week. The last of our tetras died — we called the tank he lived in “the Guppy Tank with a tetra,” now we can just call it the Guppy Tank. Also, our goldfish died. This really made me sad, because he’d been around for at least three years. He was a Japanese fancy goldfish and swam kind of like an aimless bubble. He confused the heck out of me, because I’m used to observing my cichlids. The way he swam, I constantly thought he was on the verge, but he outlasted all my dire predictions.

Love:

* How excited my husband was when he found an article online about companies (like Starbucks, PF Changs, etc.) who were offering discounts or free things for tax day. He kept getting up and sharing, “Starbucks is offering free coffee if you bring your own mug!” or “PF Chang’s is offering 15% off!” We ended up having PF Chang’s for dinner, by the way.

* The Mark of the Lion series of books, written by Francine Rivers. I’ve found myself as addicted to reading these books as I was to reading the Twilight series. Which also partially explains my absence on the Internet these days.

* Dear friends like Grace. She was there to help me at the hour of 6 AM for a computer difficulty. When she asked if I was alright, I said, “Yes, but my computer isn’t!” She replied soothingly, “Honey, if your computer isn’t OK, then YOU aren’t OK.” *sniffle* So true.

* Watermelon. I bought one, even though I know they’re not yet in season. It’s not very good, but with every bite of it, I glimpse how good they will be this summer and I cannot wait!

* How busy I am at work. I can’t believe how the time just seems to fly past — in a good way. I don’t know what the future holds at this place, or even if I have a future there (since I’m a temp), but I feel so at peace being there… it just feels as if I’m in the right place for my needs, and theirs, for now. That is a nice feeling.

One Last Thing:

Random question: If you buy SmartWater, are you smarter for having bought it or dumber for having paid an exorbitant price for distilled water?

22 Comments

Filed under Love/Loathe

April 8, 2010 · 10:33 pm

Love & Loathe — 04/08/10

Loathe:

* Feeling like I’ve aged about 10 years in the last 3 months.

* Feminine pads. I hate those things and much prefer my Diva cup. But the pads, well, they were a necessary evil for 3 weeks. Trusty old Diva couldn’t handle what was going on, plus I guess when you’re having a miscarriage you really aren’t supposed to be putting stuff up in there. I’m sooo glad I finally graduated to pantyliners. TMI? Sorry, much of my life is about crotch issues these days.

* Being cold. I will never understand why office buildings have to be so cold. When the forecast says it will be 85 degrees outside that day, I feel silly marching into work with a coat on, but I know if I don’t, I’ll be marching out with icicles on my nose.


Love:

* My pay check is now direct deposit. Woo hoo! I’ve long wondered why unemployment checks can’t be direct deposited? Maybe because then some people (me, me, me!!!) would never leave the house?

* Having an accountant. With all that’s gone on with me this year so far, I threw up my hands and had a meltdown over our taxes. So, we now have an accountant. If it was just me and my taxes, I’d be cool. But Tony’s situation is just way over my head and I’m glad we now have a specialist to handle it.

* My husband, who rigged up two of my favorite things (Lovey the Lavender Lamb and my cinnamon disk candy). The dude knows how to make me laugh. LOVEY, GET OUT OF MY CANDY!

* You guys. Every one of you.

One Last Thing:

My lap swimming is going … swimmingly. It feels so good to be swimming again, and that I can do so outside? A tiny slice of Heaven every night. Before I was put on activity restriction by my doctor in February, I swam laps non-stop for up to an hour every single day. To have that taken away cold turkey, no matter how good the reason for it, was especially difficult for me, because I use exercise as an emotional and hormonal stabilizer.

The other thing I use as an outlet is singing. For some reason, that one slips my mind until I’m inspired by someone. I mentioned how much I loved Pink’s song, Glitter in the Air, in last week’s Love & Loathe post. I suppose the reason I love this particular song so much, is to me, it’s a song about moments — the good and bad moments — and acknowledging that it’s BOTH kinds of moments that put a person where they are in their life.

Since I couldn’t get the song out of my head, I decided to download the accompaniment track and sing it myself. If you’ve a mind to, go ahead and have a listen. LINK

In the meantime, I’ll just keep swimming and singing…

28 Comments

Filed under Love/Loathe, Mermaid Envy

April 5, 2010 · 10:57 pm

Out of the Ordinary.

The night was crisp and cool, I was driving with the top down on my convertible, and I made a wish on a shooting star. The star appeared out of nowhere, bright and fleeting, visible to me for maybe five seconds. That was two weeks ago. Or was it three?

I felt silly then, I knew my wish wouldn’t come true. All the wishes in the world couldn’t change what was already happening. Of course, my wish didn’t come true, and I realize now that it wasn’t a shooting star, it was a falling star. The word makes a difference, at least in my brain.

It was a pretty thing to see, anyway, in the darkened night sky. Something I’ll remember. Something out of the ordinary.

I watched the sunset tonight while swimming laps in our community pool. I swam and swam and swam and swam and swam, and then swam some more, until I couldn’t swim no more, because I had to get out and pee. I swam hard, it feels so damn good to be able to use every muscle in my body again. I want to feel every muscle in my body again.

I think I’ll get that wish tomorrow.

Thing was, I was trying to outswim my mind, or swim it to the point of exhaustion, anyway. That didn’t work so well. The mind is always going to be faster, more fleeting and agile, than the body.

Grief is a strange thing. Weeping is something I find myself doing without any conscious thought, suddenly, I’m just there crying and I’d like to stop, but there doesn’t seem to be an off switch I can find. It just eventually tapers off, until the next session. I guess it’s just best to let it be?

On Easter, the day our Lord rose again so many years ago, we buried Miracle. Do the innocent go to Heaven? I’d like to think so. I’d like to believe that Miracle is in Heaven, holding my dad’s hand with her left hand, and our Heavenly Father’s hand with her right.

Now that would be something out of the ordinary.

22 Comments

Filed under I feel Sad, Kid Quest

April 3, 2010 · 9:32 am

In Memoriam.

The morning of April 1st I finally passed our baby.

I didn’t post about it then because it wasn’t a joke, nor was it funny. Although the irony of the date wasn’t lost on me.

Even more ironic than it being April Fools’ Day was the fact that, when we first found out I was pregnant and calculated the dates, innocently lost in the excitement of it all, April 1st was the day we considered telling our family and friends our news.

Yesterday, I received this special gift in the mail from Stacey (a family friend and reader of my blog). Thank you, Stacey, words cannot express how much this means to us.

It reads, “Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.”

We named our baby “Miracle.” It seemed appropriate.

34 Comments

Filed under Kid Quest

April 1, 2010 · 10:45 pm

Love & Loathe — 04/01/10

Loathe:

* Fart fans in bathrooms. I hear our neighbor’s fart fan through the wall. The Farty McFarty’s they must be, because it runs a lot.

*Stanley Steemer trucks. Our other neighbors have them out once a month, it seems like. The thing is, once you have your carpets cleaned, you’ll always have to have your carpets cleaned. The spots will return in the same exact places forever.

Love:

* Glitter in the Air, sung by Pink. I watched her sing this at the Grammy’s and it yanked my heart out. I’d stayed away from her music for some odd reason, never even listened to her. But watching her that night, I re-evaluated my stance. Now I can’t get enough of her throaty, raspy, powerful voice. And I love the lyrics of this song… (link to YouTube video) I play it over and over again, to the point that Tony has started teasing me about it.

* Green bags. I still love them, they still work great for preserving veggies, bananas, etc. But, I have found that they don’t work so well for “wet” veggies, like tomatoes or cucumbers. Also, my love for them was validated by an article in Reader’s Digest about them. Nothing validates a person more than Reader’s Digest, right?

* The irony of having received five calls on my resume in the last two weeks, one from a resume submission I made last November — FIVE MONTHS AGO. Where were all these jobs when I needed them then?

* I found some newspapers from 2005 under my filing cabinet at work. I love old news… one article highlighted a developer who was building high rise towers off the freeway I travel every day, with the byline of “the economy is so booming, they expect to sell out in a matter of days.” Fascinating, given the state of things today.

* Oh, Disneyland, with your magical candy concoctions, how I love thee. At two inches thick, I don’t know how anyone else gets the first bite into one of those things, but I used a hammer and a knife.

* My Easter egg fingernails.

* Easter goodies at Walmart.

*My car passed its smog test tonight. This is a good thing.

One Last Thing:

Last night, Tony and I went for a walk around our neighborhood. We’ve been doing this walking thing when I can’t swim due to “lady problems.” Usually, we hold hands as we pace along together. It’s a nice time to reconnect with each other after having been apart all day.

So last night, we had a couple silly conversations (which I tried to recapture and deleted because they weren’t as funny as having been there), and suddenly we found ourselves skipping together, and giggling like two goofy kids, down the long stretch of sidewalk alongside a very busy street. The more we skipped, the louder our guffaws became. We found ourselves laughing so hard while exerting ourselves, we were having trouble catching our breath.

There were some teenagers on the other side of the street, a 4-lane street, who noticed us two very tall adults skipping, and they started singing loudly at us, “Skip, skip, skip to my Lou, my darling!” And then Tony started singing it back at them, just as loudly.

It was funny. A funny reminder to me to never forget that laughter is good for me, and that as adults, we don’t skip nearly as often as we should. Skip, skip, skip to my Lou, my darling.

Happy Easter.

14 Comments

Filed under Best Husband, Love/Loathe

March 29, 2010 · 10:47 pm

Peering Through Pain.

Tony is a little amazed that I just seem to keep going, pain or not. He says most people would just stay home… I suppose he’s right. But the thing is, I learned a long time ago that if I let pain control my life, then pain becomes my life. I’d rather have a life and deal with pain, than to isolate myself because of my fear of pain, or fear of showing others my pain.

As with most life altering things, I’m learning that having a miscarriage is one of those things that silently twines itself around the daily happenings of a person’s life. Of my life. It’s weird, because it’s like this quiet grief of which no one ever speaks. No one I meet on the street has any idea that at the moment I’m telling them “I’m fine,” in response to their standard greeting of, “How are you?” I’m actually losing a life I’ve nourished for 2 1/2 months, and a dream for which we’ve prayed for 3 years.

Today would have marked the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

The dreams are hard, and I’ve awakened more than once the past few days because I’ve been crying in my sleep. ~~ I felt like I’d been punched in the gut the other day when I saw a woman holding her newborn close to her cheek. ~~ I wanted to punch someone in the gut when, within the first five minutes of meeting him and his obviously pregnant wife, he made more than three comments about his wife being pregnant.

Irritable. Sad. Sensitive. Tired. Impatient. Cramps. Bleeding.

Yet, despite the pain — emotional and physical — I’ve been able to carry on a semblance of a normal life. I’m able to go to work, learn new things and practice my craft as an assistant. The people I work with are cool and hip. There are fun perks at this company, like free breakfasts every Friday, sponsored by the company.

Tony and I were able to have a great weekend together. Friday night, we went up to the local mountains and, Saturday morning, visited our friends (the cook & waitresses) at our favorite breakfast restaurant up there. Which also means we’ll think of them and our time up there for most of the week, because we have breakfast leftovers.

We drove down Saturday afternoon to attend a Honda-sponsored dinner event for the people who rode on their float in the Rose Parade. A dinner at a ritzy steakhouse, with appetizers, salad, main course (filet mignon for us, please) and dessert. The representative from Honda said they’d stayed away from having riders on their floats in years past, but now might reconsider that policy in the future because all the float riders this year were so wonderful. As a thank you, beyond the experience, memories and dinner, they gave all the float riders photo albums and DVDs. I continue to be so impressed with Honda corporation.

This weekend was also Marigold’s birthday and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show invited us to join them at Disneyland. Our schedules meshed up, so we spent the afternoon at the happiest place on earth, riding kiddie rides with the kiddies and getting our picture taken with Mickey Mouse.

The best ride of the day was the Jungle Cruise, because I got this picture of nephew Huck just after we saw the hippopotamuses get “shot at” by our guide. He wasn’t pleased.

Grateful. Blessed. Loved. Grace. Amazed. Miracles.

22 Comments

Filed under Best Husband, Entertainment can be Cheap, Health/Endo, I did something Special, I feel Sad, I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building, Sometimes I Dream

March 26, 2010 · 11:42 pm

Love & Loathe — 03/25/10 (late)

Loathe:

* I think I’ll just let the previous post fill this slot this week.

Love:

* The movie The Blind Side. We saw it in the theaters and loved it so much, Tony bought it this week on DVD. Watched it again, and still love it. I’m a bit annoyed about that, because you know when people ask, “What’s your favorite movie?” I may have to change my answer… this is a big deal. I must give this issue proper consideration, can’t just decide that over night.

* $.25 hot dogs on Wednesday nights at Weinerschnitzel.

* Tony bought melon seeds at the store the other day. He has no idea where he’s going to grow them, we really don’t have any sunny spots around our place. But I just love his enthusiasm and desire to try to grow plants.

* I read in my community’s newsletter that they’ll start heating our pools in time for spring break/Easter. One more week!!

* I had a hot fudge sundae tonight. It was dark and we were driving to the mountains, and kept thinking I’d spilled it on my shirt, but I hadn’t. We got to the cabin and I looked in the mirror and started laughing. No chocolate shirt, but a chocolate chin. I looked like I had a chocolate beard.

* How joyful our little bird is every morning when she sees me. It’s such a sweet thing to watch her perk up, chirp and lean way far out to climb on my finger. Especially when I remember back to how when we first got her, we had to chase her all over her cage.

One Last Thing:

So, I made it through the week and still have my job… which is nice. More importantly, things seem to be doing OK as far as my health. I learned that Aleve (naproxen sodium) is my friend, especially when taken on a consistent basis. I feel tender, swollen and very tired, all of which seem like normal and expected things given what my body has been through, and I plan to go have blood work done next week to make sure my hormone levels are where they’re supposed to be.

But… I’m OK.

16 Comments

Filed under Health/Endo, Kid Quest, Life Encompasses Me, Love/Loathe

March 22, 2010 · 10:12 pm

Physical Processing.

I went for my second opinion on Friday. The news was really a moot point. I knew what it would be, for I had started bleeding last Wednesday.

Mostly, I just wanted one last picture of our baby.

It amuses me the lengths to which the medical community goes to avoid calling our baby a “baby.” Each visit, I wonder what term the doctor will come up with. This time, it was “results of conception.” Clever, very clever. For isn’t that what each of us is?

So, my body started cramping on Saturday afternoon and took a turn for the intense side of things on Sunday afternoon in its attempt to “pass the results of conception.” (“Passing” sounds so easy, doesn’t it?)

Throughout the process of physical pain and inconvenience, I was simply amazed at the sheer amount of insulation my body had provided to protect this little one. And then, by last night, the intense pain was all gone and left me feeling tender and fragile inside.

I felt well enough to continue with life as usual. In my capacity of “normal.”

Which is why I was unpleasantly surprised when a contraction hit with such force this afternoon, it took me to my knees at work, and then my boss walked by. Oh Lord, I was so embarrassed but unable to do anything except remember to breathe. Now I find myself wondering if I’ll lose my job on top of our baby. (sigh)

I couldn’t go home because I couldn’t sit, and even if I could have sat down, it was horrifying to imagine myself driving in rush hour traffic with that kind of pain. I couldn’t figure out why the pain was so much worse today than yesterday (although not kidney stone passing kind of pain). The only thing I could think is it’s maybe like when you vomit? It’s less painful if you have water or something in your stomach? Maybe that’s why the pain was so much worse today, because there really wasn’t that much left in there to wring out? I’m grasping at illogical logic here. Indulge me, please, I’m hormonal.

Really, though, emotionally, I’m OK. Sad, of course, but it’s as if the physical process is a tangible culmination of the emotional pain I’ve had since mid-February. At this point, I simply want my body to correctly finish what it’s supposed to do, as I do not want surgical intervention. Which is also why I don’t want to ask my doctor about this process, because how many women do they actually “allow” to miscarry naturally? They’re surgeons, every one of them, and all surgeons want to do is poke, prod and do surgery. I just have no idea how long the cramping is supposed to last… or why it waited 24 hours before coming back with such force.

I’m just praying for the grace to get through each day and that my body will do what it needs to do correctly. But, God, this hurts, and I won’t have a baby in my arms to show for it when it’s all done. And that, frankly, just sucks.

32 Comments

Filed under I feel Sad, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building

March 18, 2010 · 10:50 pm

Love & Loathe – 03/18/10

Loathe:

* Car trouble. It’s really unfair how one little bitty expensive part can cause so much trouble. Tomorrow will be day two in the shop for the little red car.

* Police helicopters who circle above our neighborhood at 11:15 PM once a week. I don’t buy it anymore that there’s some criminal they’re watching, it’s too predictable. I think it’s a practice flight and I think it’s annoying. I need my sleep or I just might become a criminal for them to watch. *grumble*

* Taxes.


Love:

* A particular blog friend who mailed me homemade St. Patrick’s day sugar cookies ALL THE WAY from the east coast. I opened the package and stood there with tears in my eyes at her thoughtfulness. I love you, Nina. I would have taken pictures, except that there aren’t any left to take a picture of. They were gone within 8 hours. Sorry. You’ll just have to take my word for it that they were delicious.

* Kentucky Fried Chicken’s cole slaw.

* Jalapenos on a hamburger. We had dinner with friends tonight (I love them, too), but putting those jalapenos on my burger made it 10x more delicious than delicious can be defined.

* One more month and my community should start heating our community’s pool. I can’t wait!

* My husband who gladly inconvenienced himself by giving up his car for the day, so I could get to work. Which meant I got to experience what it’s like to drive around at 5 AM to take him to work so I could have his car for the day. It’s weird at that time of the day, no one’s around and it’s all dark and stuff. Weird.

* Tony’s parents. For many reasons, I love them, but heaped on top of it all, since we both need a car for tomorrow, they are gladly giving up one of theirs.

One Last Thing:

I’m just plain tired. The weekend needs to be here so I can sleep.

24 Comments

Filed under I ♥ My Miata, I have Friends, Love/Loathe

March 14, 2010 · 9:10 pm

Green Dinner & Stuff

On my way home from work on Friday night, I was in stop-and-go traffic behind a guy in a silver Miata with a black top. It was the earlier version of the Miata, the version with the plastic window, which he had unzipped. It made me smile, because I remembered that I used to do that, too, sometimes when I had mine. Yes, before the 2002 Miata I own now, I owned a 1992 Miata. What can I say, I love those little cars.

The thing I noticed about him beyond his car, was that he had a tick. I don’t know if he had Turret’s syndrome or what, but every 30 seconds or so, his body forced him to turn his head to his right, bobble it a couple times, while he mouthed a few words, and then he faced forward again. Over and over it went.

At first I thought it was kind of funny, then as time passed and we all slowly crept forward together, stuck on the freeway in a proximity closer than any of us wanted, I couldn’t help but think how exhausting that must be for him. Time after time I watched his head turn quickly, bobble, his car would mildly swerve in sync, and then he regained control, faced forward and acted as if everything was normal. It was normal for him. His normal.

Isn’t that what we all try to do? Move forward with each of our versions of “normal?” Whatever that may be?

Yesterday was the annual Green Dinner event at Tony’s church. It’s an event that we start talking about when we put our Valentine’s decorations away and bring out our St. Patrick’s Day decorations. It’s an event I always enjoy, where they serve delicious corned beef, potatoes, carrots, cabbage and cake (CAKE!!). This year, while the venue was a bit smaller and there were no Irish dancers, I still immensely enjoyed everything that was offered. Plus, visiting with the Seniors (Tony’s parents), and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show made for a perfect evening, as far as I was concerned.

Today I got back in the pool for the first time in a month and a half. I felt like I needed to for my own sanity, but I was scared to do so, because I thought for sure I’d miscarry right then and there. The doctor tells you not to do something and suddenly it becomes Bad. Yet in a “normal” pregnancy, swimming would be Good. The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

The act of swimming felt weird to me after so long of a break. Although they knew what they were supposed to be doing, my arms felt like uncoordinated noodles. I was also ultra-aware of what muscles I was using to accomplish what came so easily to me not that long ago. The most surprising thing to me, though, was that I didn’t get winded at all… my stamina and endurance hadn’t changed much. Which is to say that I didn’t find myself huffing and puffing at all, and I was pleased with that. I guess I was in better shape than I had thought.

It was such a beautiful day here today. Tony refilled the bird feeders in our back yard and the sun was so warm and bright, I went outside and thought, “Wow, I bet it would feel wonderful just to lie down and look up at the sky…” And so I did. Then I fell asleep and ended up taking a 45 minute nap, lying on the warmed concrete in our back yard, with the sun shining warmly on my skin and a slight breeze stirring the leaves of the Eucalyptus tree behind me. I had a nap in the oasis, such as it is, of my own back yard.

Then I had to get up and do chores.

Normal. My normal.

22 Comments

Filed under I ♥ My Miata, I did something Special, I have Family, Kid Quest, Who I am