Category Archives: I have Family

Peering Through Pain.

Tony is a little amazed that I just seem to keep going, pain or not. He says most people would just stay home… I suppose he’s right. But the thing is, I learned a long time ago that if I let pain control my life, then pain becomes my life. I’d rather have a life and deal with pain, than to isolate myself because of my fear of pain, or fear of showing others my pain.

As with most life altering things, I’m learning that having a miscarriage is one of those things that silently twines itself around the daily happenings of a person’s life. Of my life. It’s weird, because it’s like this quiet grief of which no one ever speaks. No one I meet on the street has any idea that at the moment I’m telling them “I’m fine,” in response to their standard greeting of, “How are you?” I’m actually losing a life I’ve nourished for 2 1/2 months, and a dream for which we’ve prayed for 3 years.

Today would have marked the beginning of my 2nd trimester.

The dreams are hard, and I’ve awakened more than once the past few days because I’ve been crying in my sleep. ~~ I felt like I’d been punched in the gut the other day when I saw a woman holding her newborn close to her cheek. ~~ I wanted to punch someone in the gut when, within the first five minutes of meeting him and his obviously pregnant wife, he made more than three comments about his wife being pregnant.

Irritable. Sad. Sensitive. Tired. Impatient. Cramps. Bleeding.

Yet, despite the pain — emotional and physical — I’ve been able to carry on a semblance of a normal life. I’m able to go to work, learn new things and practice my craft as an assistant. The people I work with are cool and hip. There are fun perks at this company, like free breakfasts every Friday, sponsored by the company.

Tony and I were able to have a great weekend together. Friday night, we went up to the local mountains and, Saturday morning, visited our friends (the cook & waitresses) at our favorite breakfast restaurant up there. Which also means we’ll think of them and our time up there for most of the week, because we have breakfast leftovers.

We drove down Saturday afternoon to attend a Honda-sponsored dinner event for the people who rode on their float in the Rose Parade. A dinner at a ritzy steakhouse, with appetizers, salad, main course (filet mignon for us, please) and dessert. The representative from Honda said they’d stayed away from having riders on their floats in years past, but now might reconsider that policy in the future because all the float riders this year were so wonderful. As a thank you, beyond the experience, memories and dinner, they gave all the float riders photo albums and DVDs. I continue to be so impressed with Honda corporation.

This weekend was also Marigold’s birthday and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show invited us to join them at Disneyland. Our schedules meshed up, so we spent the afternoon at the happiest place on earth, riding kiddie rides with the kiddies and getting our picture taken with Mickey Mouse.

The best ride of the day was the Jungle Cruise, because I got this picture of nephew Huck just after we saw the hippopotamuses get “shot at” by our guide. He wasn’t pleased.

Grateful. Blessed. Loved. Grace. Amazed. Miracles.

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Filed under Best Husband, Entertainment can be Cheap, Health/Endo, I did something Special, I feel Sad, I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile, Kid Quest, Money Hump Building, Sometimes I Dream

Green Dinner & Stuff

On my way home from work on Friday night, I was in stop-and-go traffic behind a guy in a silver Miata with a black top. It was the earlier version of the Miata, the version with the plastic window, which he had unzipped. It made me smile, because I remembered that I used to do that, too, sometimes when I had mine. Yes, before the 2002 Miata I own now, I owned a 1992 Miata. What can I say, I love those little cars.

The thing I noticed about him beyond his car, was that he had a tick. I don’t know if he had Turret’s syndrome or what, but every 30 seconds or so, his body forced him to turn his head to his right, bobble it a couple times, while he mouthed a few words, and then he faced forward again. Over and over it went.

At first I thought it was kind of funny, then as time passed and we all slowly crept forward together, stuck on the freeway in a proximity closer than any of us wanted, I couldn’t help but think how exhausting that must be for him. Time after time I watched his head turn quickly, bobble, his car would mildly swerve in sync, and then he regained control, faced forward and acted as if everything was normal. It was normal for him. His normal.

Isn’t that what we all try to do? Move forward with each of our versions of “normal?” Whatever that may be?

Yesterday was the annual Green Dinner event at Tony’s church. It’s an event that we start talking about when we put our Valentine’s decorations away and bring out our St. Patrick’s Day decorations. It’s an event I always enjoy, where they serve delicious corned beef, potatoes, carrots, cabbage and cake (CAKE!!). This year, while the venue was a bit smaller and there were no Irish dancers, I still immensely enjoyed everything that was offered. Plus, visiting with the Seniors (Tony’s parents), and the Steve/Marigold/Huck/Milo Show made for a perfect evening, as far as I was concerned.

Today I got back in the pool for the first time in a month and a half. I felt like I needed to for my own sanity, but I was scared to do so, because I thought for sure I’d miscarry right then and there. The doctor tells you not to do something and suddenly it becomes Bad. Yet in a “normal” pregnancy, swimming would be Good. The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

The act of swimming felt weird to me after so long of a break. Although they knew what they were supposed to be doing, my arms felt like uncoordinated noodles. I was also ultra-aware of what muscles I was using to accomplish what came so easily to me not that long ago. The most surprising thing to me, though, was that I didn’t get winded at all… my stamina and endurance hadn’t changed much. Which is to say that I didn’t find myself huffing and puffing at all, and I was pleased with that. I guess I was in better shape than I had thought.

It was such a beautiful day here today. Tony refilled the bird feeders in our back yard and the sun was so warm and bright, I went outside and thought, “Wow, I bet it would feel wonderful just to lie down and look up at the sky…” And so I did. Then I fell asleep and ended up taking a 45 minute nap, lying on the warmed concrete in our back yard, with the sun shining warmly on my skin and a slight breeze stirring the leaves of the Eucalyptus tree behind me. I had a nap in the oasis, such as it is, of my own back yard.

Then I had to get up and do chores.

Normal. My normal.

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Filed under I ♥ My Miata, I did something Special, I have Family, Kid Quest, Who I am

I Need You.

I sat down here tonight to type my weekly Love & Loathe post and am finding that I just can’t do it. It feels superficial and forced, too perky for where we are tonight emotionally. Physically, too, now that I ponder it.

Tony is driving out to Las Vegas this evening to meet his dad and brother. His sister has been missing since February 25th, and they are attempting to find her. She has a mental illness and is supposed to be taking medications to help her, but she has missed important doctor appointments and, as a result, is likely off her meds. Tony has put together a simple website to get the word out on Facebook and Twitter.

**03/13/10 Update: After spending Friday in Vegas following leads, on Friday night, Tony’s sister surfaced. We don’t have all the details, maybe never will of what happened, but the important thing is that she’s OK.**

In addition, Tony’s grandfather’s health has been declining since January. There is a lot going on with him, and out of respect for his privacy, I will just share that he has been in and out of the hospital for treatment and testing. We are hoping that he will be OK once they get him stabilized, but will likely need to be in an assisted living facility. This has been especially hard on Tony’s elders as they try to figure out the best way to provide him the needed care, but also ensure that he feels loved, safe, comfortable and reassured.

**03/13/10 Update: On Friday Tony’s grandpa stabilized enough that he could eat solid foods and be placed in a living facility. I hope he’ll be around for many, many more years.**

And finally, Tony and I have been dealing with something incredibly personal as well. You may recall that we’ve been trying to start a family for three years and we were diagnosed with male factor infertility in December of 2007. We were told that the likelihood of me becoming pregnant by “normal methods” were less than 3%, or even less, when my age is factored in.

Miraculously, I am 2 1/2 months pregnant, and have been on pelvic rest for 1 1/2 of those months (no exercise, no sexercise, nothing that moves the pelvis beyond a sedentary life).

However, I was diagnosed last Friday with early pregnancy failure. By ultrasound, they can find the gestational sac and the yolk sac, but no baby. From what I’ve read on Dr. Google, there is a tiny, tiny, tiny chance that, because I have a tilted uterus, the baby may be hidden, but I… well, I don’t know. The doctor didn’t give me any hope at all and said I will miscarry within the next 2-3 weeks.

I spent most of Friday night and Saturday sobbing my heart out, grieving, for this baby we want so very badly, but the doctor says isn’t there. We are working on getting a second opinion, but ultimately, a second opinion won’t change what’s going to happen. Whatever that may be.

In the meantime, I’m trying to hold it together emotionally and physically at a new job, where I will finish my first week tomorrow.

There are times in life when I’ve come to realize that, no matter what I do, there is actually very little I can do to change the outcome of certain situations. When, through it all, I hold onto the fact that I know a God who can work miracles, whether it be peace of mind or putting a baby in my womb. Or giving loved ones wisdom when it comes to searching for a missing loved one or holding a family together when a loved one needs their help.

You guys are my extended family and now, more than ever, we need your love, prayers and emotional support.

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Filed under I feel Sad, I have Family, Kid Quest, Sex, Spirituality, Who I am

One More Day.

We tried to send my mom home this morning. We really did. We took her to the airport and everything. Normally, we just dump people at the curb, you know? Why go through all that heart wrenching goodbye stuff. For some reason, we decided to break from the norm and park the car and wait in the check-in line with her.

Thanks to the east coast folks who are hoarding all the planes due to the weather (How can it be so cold there, when it was 84°F here today?), our airport was short on planes, and her flight was canceled as a result.

We could have driven her to LAX, but that would have put her at her ultimate destination late at night, with luggage, to be greeted by snow and public transportation.

So, she’s staying another night. We’ll try again tomorrow morning, and the next morning, and the next morning, until we’re successful. Or Tony will, I’m not getting up that early. HA!

One of the fun things we did a couple days ago was a drive-about. I always enjoy driving out in the hills and canyons near my home. Those are the types of roads for which my little car was built! This time of year especially, the fun driving part is enhanced because it’s all green and Ireland-looking back there.

See?

This picture wasn’t on our drive-about, it was later that evening. My cat, Tug, took over my mom’s lap. Totally cracked me up, because my cat is just about as big as my mom.

I hope you had a great Valentine’s Day… I scored a ton of chocolate, and chocolate is always good. Unrelated to that (even though it’s in the same paragraph), half of my throat feels weird and swollen. I hope I’m not getting sick…

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Filed under Entertainment can be Cheap, I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile

Forever Day.

Wow, is it STILL February 1st? Really? Because it feels to me like this day should have ended about four hours ago. In a good way, I mean, because I packed so much into it.

We went up to the mountains again this weekend, it was a much more normal and relaxing adventure this time… less driving since all the roads were open, and thus, much more relaxing.

We came back a little early yesterday to take Tony’s parents to the airport. I have to say, with all the visits to airports in the month of January, this airport thing is starting to feel like a regular mode of transportation. Last night, as mentioned, we took the husband’s parents to the airport, and then today, I was back at another airport picking my mom up, can you say “parent switcharoo?” The best part is, after all the adventures we each have had, we have new stories to tell each other!

Between that, and driving to two different stores to replenish my raw milk supply (Monday is the day they get their stock), and a swim at the gym, I still managed to cook up a 16 pound turkey for dinner, along with mashed potatoes, corn, and cranberry sauce. I figured that would be a good homecoming dinner for my mom.

We’ve been joking that by the time she gets back to her home in Korea, she’ll be too big for her britches… for some reason, that thought makes me very happy.

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Filed under I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile, Life Encompasses Me

Going Places.

Since you last saw me, I’ve been to northern California and back. Monterey/Salinas area to be precise. The handful of times I’ve been there was with my ex-husband and while I loved that area, he had a tendency to cast a pallor of gloom over everything. A little advice right here? If you have a suspicion that you’ll love some place, don’t let someone who’s a weenie take you there. Or just avoid weenies.

Anyway…

One of my friends from high school, Bridgett, lives up there and so it worked out that we were able to hang out with her quite a bit of the time, which was thoroughly enjoyable. The last time I saw her was in 2001 and we determined that nine years is far too long of a time between visits. She and her roommates were incredibly hospitable, generous and welcoming to us. In fact, I’d never met her roommates before in my life, but felt as if I’d known them for years. I love people like that.

Bridgett is a starving artist, or we can call her a cartoonist at large! She’s had creative artistic talent for as long as I can remember and I think high school art class is actually how we met. She did something with it, though, as far as college and schooling and education, and her comic strip recently made it into the local paper. I’m so proud of her. You should be, too, because I said so and also, because she was really tolerant and humble when I embarrassed her by making her autograph everything she gave me. A copy of her cartoon on the front page of the Monterey Herald’s Sunday funnies? Please autograph. A piece of paper with directions? Please autograph. HAA!

Bridgett’s strip, Squid Row, on the front page of her local newspaper… autographed

You can find her stuff here: LINK

Besides visiting with her and touring her studio, or rather, her Cartoonery, other highlights while visiting the area included driving the 17 Mile Drive and ogling the breathtaking scenery, which included enormous waves colliding with immense power upon boulders and sheer cliffs, Bird Rock covered with so many sea lions that it looked as if, from a distance, it was covered with brown, wiggling worms, but we could hear them noisily expressing their opinions from shore, and in contrast, deer quietly standing alongside the road with green beards of grass dangling from their mouths as they quietly observed us taking their picture, and, of course, the Lone Cypress secured to the rock upon which it stands with cables, a stark silhouette against a gray sky, reminiscent of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree when compared to the lush cypress trees nearby.

Bird Rock with sea lions…

The Lone Cypress

Deer with beards…

When we picked Tony up from the San Jose airport on Saturday, we visited the Winchester House. Truly, a spectacular experience. I took a ton of pictures, many of which were highly illegal (you know me and my pictures!). We did both the Mansion Tour and the Behind the Scenes Tour and they were equally entertaining, fascinating and informative.

One thing, though, if you have kids who are under 5 years old, I would not recommend taking them on any tours of the mansion. Kids love stairs and, yes, there’s a whole lotta stairs. The problem occurs when you pull the child away from the stairs to stay with the tour, and you combine that with a tour time when your child would normally be napping. Can you say “meltdown?” One child with a non-stop, hour long, shrieking meltdown equals 25 unhappy tour guests. Ugh. The tour guide offered them a credit if they wanted to “take a tour at a later time” and suggested that they could “leave and join the tour at any time”… but the parents resolved to stay with the tour, for what purpose I have no idea. It’s not like they (or anyone else) could HEAR anything the guide was saying over the 100 decibel siren that was squirming in their arms. Common sense, people, common sense.

We also went to the Steinbeck Center, which was a really educational and interactive experience. Since Salinas is a valley whose main history is rooted in agriculture and farming, and the cycle of same, and Steinbeck’s life was influenced by that, there was also a section in the museum showing the stages of crops and how they get from the fields to our kitchens. Another section in the museum was dedicated to the fine arts and local artists, however, we didn’t visit that part since Bridgett wasn’t featured in it! We could have spent much longer there, but we needed to head off to the airport… two hours is enough time to get a good feel for the place.

Oh but that all crossword puzzles could be solved just by pushing a button!

In the agriculture museum, I got to be a trucker!

We had dinner out a couple of times, once in Salinas at a wonderful Italian restaurant and once at a restaurant on Fisherman’s Wharf in Monterey. Both restaurants were suggested, and dinner was generously gifted to us, by Bridgett and her roommates. I truly am blessed to have good friends.

Sadly, we didn’t have time to go to the world-renowned Monterey Bay Aquarium (they have an octopus!!) because we departed Sunday afternoon, just before The Big Storm of California, January 2010, swept through the area. I’m currently listening to it beat down on the roof of my home and I’m so glad to be here and not out there in it traveling in a tin can through the sky.

Soooo, what have you done since last Thursday?

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Filed under Best Husband, I have Family, I have Friends, I Left Home for Awhile, I Stimulate the Economy, I'm Never too Old to Learn

Love & Loathe – 01/05/10

Loathe:

* Being sick. Yes, still. This is one hell of a doozy of a cold. My refrigerator could take lessons from my sinuses on replenishing. Amazing, it truly is. It’s a shame scientists haven’t found a use for all this phlegm that people cough up during cold season… maybe that’s the solution to the gasoline crisis? Phlegm cars?

* There are absolutely no jobs at this time in my area of expertise for which to apply. Not that I could’ve interviewed, anyway, what with having no voice. I’m assuming that this is due to companies FYE and holidays that just passed. I’m also hoping and praying that this will change soon, as it’s somewhat disheartening for me.

* Being asked by well-meaning people the status of my unemployment. It’s kind of a sore spot.

* Dealing with incompetent people who are employed (waves at Best Buy). Really, it’s like rubbing salt in the wound of my unemployment and drastically reduces my patience, which was low anyway, for their idiocy.

Love:

* Souplantation. Especially if it means I get to see my friend, Grace.

* Prescription cough syrup. Promethazine and codeine, how I love thee!

* I think we got the fish situation under control. Strange thing that. In the midst of all the tetras dying, and the male guppy dying, the female guppy we bought from the fish store gave birth. So there, in the midst of death, with anti-ick medication swirling in the water, we have new life and me freaking out trying to SAVE THE BABY FISH! And WHERE ARE THE OTHER BABY GUPPIES? We only found one baby guppy (odd, indeed), but so far, baby guppy is alive, swimming, eating, pooping and growing. Which is pretty much what baby fish are supposed to do.

* The mommy visit is going well. At least I think so. Neither of us have physically harmed each other yet. This is good, yes?

One Last Thing:

On a rainy day last week, I thought it might be interesting to go out to the Richard Nixon library. I’ve wanted to for a couple years now, because for the holidays they have a couple special displays… one of which was trains. Lego trains, toy trains, remote control trains, videos of trains… it’s really quite spectacular, even if you’re not all that into trains. The other is a display called “Christmas Trees of the World.” There were numerous Christmas trees, each decorated with ornaments specific to the country it represented… of course, the German tree had the hidden pickle.

It really was an interesting thing to do on a rainy day with my mom. While it was interesting and there were a lot of interesting things there, I found myself thinking, “Of course they had to open a library. Every President would have to. What else would former Presidents do with all the interesting crap they accumulated during their Presidency?”

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Filed under Entertainment can be Cheap, I have Family, I have Friends, I Left Home for Awhile

Updates.

We had a great time in the local mountains. Snow was there… but apparently, after my visit to Iowa where they had below 0° temperatures, I really did believe our local snow was no big deal. I forgot to bring my coat, or even a jacket or sweatshirt. What’s even funnier to me is, I didn’t even get cold while walking around the town. Tony and I were a well-matched pair, him in his shorts and flip-flops and me without a jacket.

The little fish who had ick didn’t make it through the weekend. Poor thing. I hope the other one makes it, the ick’s not as bad as the other one was, so maybe it’s got a chance.

My mom’s on her way, she made it to Japan but her flight from Japan to the states got cancelled due to “aircraft servicing.” So she’s stuck in Japan. She’s at a hotel, I assume the airline is paying for it. Thing is, I tried calling and I can’t find where she’s registered… sooooo, maybe she’ll make it here for Christmas. I sure hope so. We have plans for her.

…and… I was gonna put some pictures up of the weekend but am now feeling lazy, so how ’bout I’ll see you tomorrow for this week’s Love/Loathe list?

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Filed under I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile

This Week.

I had such a good visit with my aunt and uncle, it really was a blessing to see them. The only things I really wanted to do while there was visit my father’s grave and go to The Dodge House’s gift shop… and maybe wander through their little mall they have there. The rest of it, I just let my aunt set the schedule — it’s what she’s good at. Visiting them is kind of like going to camp, they set the schedule and it’s best for all involved if I just go along with it.

Because of the blizzard that went through there and dumped 12″ of snow the day before I arrived, it was impossible to find my father’s grave — something I hadn’t even thought about. So, we drove through the cemetery and waved in the general direction of where we thought it might be, and that was the best we could do.

The cemetery.

The gift shop at The Dodge House was having a 20% off sale, so that was a success. You know how I love sales.

On Monday, we had another weather day, so we canceled our lunch plans and stayed in. I asked if we could go through family photo albums, it seemed like a good cold weather thing to do. There were some really sweet moments, between sharing stories, thoughts and history behind the photos, I’d look up to see my aunt looking at me, observing me, as if she were searching for something. She would smile at me and I realized that she was seeing my father in me. She misses him. He shouldn’t have died so young.

The little boy in this picture is my dad, being held by his stepsister. Look at the car and the building in the background, interesting, eh?

Many of the pictures that she had of my childhood, or of family members who are now gone, were taken in her home. The thought fascinated me that her home really hasn’t changed so much throughout the years. Maybe the couch and chairs have been replaced, but they’ve been stationed in the same spot as their predecessor, giving the air of timelessness. I wouldn’t be surprised if even their phone number is the same as it was 40 years ago. But the people who come and go have aged and many have died. The pictures gave the misconception that if I walked out into the living room, I might really find my grandma sitting upon the couch by the Christmas tree.

In the chair, me and my brother. Somehow, I don’t think we’d fit in that chair together anymore, even if we wanted to.

I didn’t want to leave, but it is good to be home.

I followed up on an interview I’d had last week. I really wanted this particular job, they’re a really good company and have a great corporate culture. When I called, the HR person’s line went to voicemail, so I hung up and called the CFO, who I’d interviewed with. I learned a long time ago that following the rules (talking to the HR person) is usually unproductive. The CFO took my call, and I was sad to learn that they had chosen another person for the job. I told him I was disappointed, because I had felt that I had hit it off with him and everyone I had interviewed with. He validated my words, and then shared that they had made their decision based on budget (of course), but that I had made their decision really, really difficult, because they had really liked me… a lot.

He asked me if he could call me in the future if things didn’t work out with the person they hired. I told him I would be pleased to hear from him, because as a candidate, *I* don’t always base my decision on money, but I take into account corporate stability and personalities of the people for whom I work. I may find a job that pays me what I want, but if I’m not happy or the company goes under, then what do I have?

On a smaller scale, we have the misdelivered stamps-by-mail order issue that was finally resolved after several emails and phone calls and a trip to my post office. They gave my stamps to someone other than me, that person kept them, and it was looking as if I was going to have to dispute the charge with my credit card company. But yesterday the post office agreed to re-ship the order, so I’m grateful for that.

Tony restocked his little fish tank with neon tetras and guppies, for awhile there was one lonely tetra in there. Poor little thing, all its tankmates died around him. We ended up with a bonus fish, a little ghost shrimp (I don’t know what it’s really called), that the girl at the pet store accidentally caught and put in the bag and rather than try to get him back out gave up and gave him to us for free.

As luck would have it, the ghost guy is out right now, so you get to see him. He’s facing the left of the picture…

The only experience I’ve had with ghost shrimp was when I was helping my friend move his fish store last year. One of my assignments was to catch and move as many ghost shrimps as I could find in their tank. It was a near impossible feat, because those little buggers are transparent and move fast! Anyway, we’ve been more fascinated with our free tank addition than the other ones. Of course, last night I noticed that two of the tetras have ick, so I started them on a course of ick medication. The one has it pretty bad, I hope he makes it through the weekend.

This weekend we’re off to the mountains, mostly to relax before the holiday craziness begins. We’re hoping we’ll see a little bit of residual snow from the storm that moved through last week. Compared to where I just was, I’m sure it’ll look like child’s play to me.

My mom arrives from South Korea on Monday for her first stateside Christmas in we-can’t-remember-when… and then the fun will begin!

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Filed under I have Family, I Left Home for Awhile, Kid Substitutes, Money Hump Building

Over Here.

I flew out yesterday to Nebraska to visit my aunt and uncle who live in Iowa. That was a long day, but all went well. I’m thinking a travel day is a day you want to go well, yes?

They had a blizzard the day before I arrived, so everything is blanketed in white. It was beautiful when the plane was landing, the slanting sun cast long shadows from the stark trees and glinted off windows, looking for all the world like jewels from a pirate’s treasure chest.

When we landed, the pilot said it was 20*F. I looked out the window to see drifts of snow and an airport worker dressed in shorts. I immediately thought of my husband, who wasn’t able to accompany me on this trip, who wears shorts and flip-flops in the snow. I’d just arrived, hadn’t even exited the plane, and a wave of homesickness hit me full force in the stomach.

The first night away from home is always the worst for me. I expect it and mentally prepare for it. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating to experience, though.

Tonight (Friday night) was a fancy dinner. I got to dress up and look all pretty. It was a fun thing to do, to go out on the town with my aunt and uncle. One funny observation, there was an older man going around with his digital camera taking self-portraits of himself with his friends. Somehow it was funny to see that… I mean, I’m used to seeing teenage kids doing it and knowing that picture will show up on Facebook, but an elderly person? I dunno, it was just fun to see that the self-portrait thing has crossed the age boundary, I guess.

It’s really good to be here with my aunt and uncle. They are dear to me and I enjoy them very much.

I hope you have a blessed weekend, as I plan to do.

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