March 22, 2011 · 6:17 pm

Major Decisions.

How much of the outcome is luck? How much of it is based on level of skill? How much is based on statistics? How much is superstition based? How much of all those things together impact my brain’s level of comfort and ability to rest in God’s hands?

My answer: A LOT!

Which, I suppose, is why the major decision I had trouble making was what underwear and what socks to wear yesterday. On a normal day, those two things are important to me (because you just NEVER KNOW!), but on an important day like yesterday? Overwhelming.

When Tony arrived home to drive us to the appointment, I grabbed his hand and explained my dilemma as I led him upstairs and pointed to the options I’d laid out on the bed. To his credit, he assisted in the decision without laughing or rolling his eyes at me. Which is good, because I was rolling my eyes at myself.

Ladybugs are a thing with us. Everywhere we’ve gone together, whether it be Italy, Ireland, Hawaii, Sea World, LegoLand, etc., a ladybug has always flown in and landed near us. So we chose to go with a ladybug theme yesterday. But, to keep the Irish theme I’ve had going all month, the ladybug socks had a fair amount of green worked into the pattern, and I added two temporary clover leaf tattoos to my inner-upper calf area.

If nothing else, the silliness of my dilemma served as a distraction and a point of laughter for us, setting the tone for the rest of the day.

The procedure went well. I’m now off my feet and resting for the rest of the week.

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Filed under I Stimulate the Economy

March 20, 2011 · 9:06 pm

Along for the Ride.

One of the things I appreciate about Tony is that he pulls me out of my routine and worries, and encourages me to do things spontaneously. Respectful, of course, of my needs or things I need to do… thus the word “encourages.”

Saturday morning he suggested going to the swap meet. It’s one of those things I love to do, just walk around and see what’s what, but just never take the time to do. I decided to go… and despite some physical discomfort, given what I’d done the day before, I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. Although, I have to say, a post-adventure afternoon nap was definitely on the agenda after that!

Today was all about chores and planning ahead, boring but necessary.

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Filed under Best Husband, I Left Home for Awhile

March 19, 2011 · 9:10 am

Slept In.

What with traffic and appointments before work every day since last Sunday, yesterday for the first time in a week, I slept in past 5:30 am. I felt decadent when my alarm clock went off at 7:05 am, I yawned and stretched and just enjoyed the perfection of the moment. And then the brain engaged. Dratted brain.

When I checked my e-mail, there was one from Tony wishing me a good morning, a routine I love and appreciate from him. Except he also mentioned that the sprinklers between our house and our neighbor’s house had been on all night and was flooding the area between our homes, running off to the main street. Just a minor emergency of which I notified our homeowner’s association, since they have the key to the sprinkler box — and, you know, I tried to be non-threatening about the whole thing. ha. Non-threatening. ha.

Thank you for your prayers yesterday. The procedure went well, but there’s a second part that will occur and I am still requesting your prayers for success.

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Filed under Best Husband, I own a Home

March 17, 2011 · 11:45 pm

Love & Loathe – Week of 03/13

Loathe:

* Teaching people common courtesy at the gym. Like, if you want to split the lane I’m swimming in, let me know before hopping in with me and going for it. I have my diatribe down now (three months of practice), and I’m not shy about letting them hear it. People can be so rude.

* Our little Nemo passed away this week. We know he had a good life, longer than it would have been in someone else’s home. We miss him, though, he was such a happy little fish.

Love:

* My mom stayed with a friend of hers and his family for a couple nights, since we’ve been busy with work and stuff this week. When he drove her back to our house tonight, he brought us a gift of Korean pears. My first thought was, “Why a gift for us? I should give YOU a gift for driving her around, entertaining her and feeding her!” So I gave him some cookies I had baked.

* Another FREE salad from a meeting at work today. This makes me happy!

* St. Patrick’s Day dinner (Green Dinner) is this weekend. My mom gets to attend this year and I just know she’ll enjoy it! (I must remind her to pack earplugs for the bagpipe player…) Also, green nail polish and holiday appropriate socks — love it!

One Last Thing:

I recently read Home to Holly Springs, authored by Jan Karon. It’s a fictional tale of retired Father Tim returning to his hometown where he reunites with childhood friends and discovers he has a half brother who needs a stem cell transplant. Father Tim’s blood matches, and he begins the arduous and painful process of harvesting the cells from his blood to engraft in his newly found brother’s.

One page of the book details how Father Tim called his bishop, and then a chapel, and then friends in another county, another church, another friend, with the purpose of asking them to spread the word that prayer was urgently needed. Any prayerful person — he needed them all to petition God in prayer for the procedure to be successful. That when he had left his dying father’s bedside years before, he had in a sense let him go. But unless God himself ordained it, he was not going to let his brother go. The page is concluded with, “He was marshaling troops, he was calling up regiments, this was war.”

It was powerfully written, I could nearly imagine the accompanying music build to a crescendo in my head as I read it. But more importantly, it reminded me that vulnerability is the key for relating with our fellow people — enabling us to request prayers and support.

If you would then, please pray for us tomorrow, Friday, over the weekend, and continuing next week. I will be undergoing a medical procedure and we would really appreciate your prayers for its success.

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March 9, 2011 · 9:56 pm

Love & Loathe – Week of 03/06

Loathe:

* I still have a lingering cough from the nasty cold I caught three four weeks ago. It’s a mild cough, just annoying as all get out to me, as I have high expectations of my lungs when swimming. Someday it will go away. I think.

* The gym’s pool. I’m just holding on to the light at the end of the tunnel — one more month until our community pool is heated and I can swim outside again. One more month. One more month.

Love:

* My life right now. It’s far from perfect, but I am so thankful for what we have.

* Do you know what this is?

Yes, yes, it’s a salad. But it’s not JUST a salad. It’s an enormous (the picture doesn’t do its size justice) FREE salad that I brought home from work after a meeting. Why people don’t eat salads is beyond me, but I’m not questioning it too deeply; since it wasn’t eaten, and I didn’t want it to go to waste, I brought it home. We will surely eat it.

* Last weekend, finally, I finished straightening my back yard. It’s been in messy chaos since December (thanks to painters and fencers) and I’m so glad it’s back the way it’s supposed to be, instead of all topsy-turvy.

One Last Thing:

I’m posting a day early because my mom lands in our life tomorrow for 2 1/2 weeks. Just thinking about seeing her makes me feel excited, apprehensive and tired (can I be tired in advance?). Marathon visiting, entertaining, transporting and feeding someone who’s not normally with you everyday takes energy!

I know the next couple weeks will go way too fast and before I know it, she’ll jet on to her next destination and we’ll go back to our routines. So, I intend to fully enjoy every moment I can wring out of the next couple weeks.

Hmmm, mother-daughter relationship — let’s just hope the wringing doesn’t reach our necks!

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Filed under I have Family, Life Encompasses Me, Love/Loathe

March 3, 2011 · 10:23 pm

Weather Tricksters!

It was last Friday evening and I was gathering my stuff to go to the gym, debating in my mind whether I’d do an easy work out that night and a heavy work out in the morning, or just do a normal work out and wait until Saturday evening to go again.

Tony walked in the door and said, “It’s raining outside. They’re forecasting thunder and heavy rain for tonight.” I turned to him and replied flippantly, “Huh. Maybe we should go to the mountains…”

His eyes lit up and, a few phone calls later, miraculously, everything we were scheduled to do that weekend was able to be rescheduled and completed that Friday night.

You see, we never go to the mountains when it’s already raining (which means snow up there), but always when there’s snow in the forecast and then 99% of the time, it wimps out on us and we just go up and see dirty snow. Or no snow at all. Also known as sunshine at a higher elevation.

So it was that last Friday, it was raining heavily and halfway up our drive on the twisty mountain road, the rain that was loudly splattering on our windshield, turned to snow which gently, quietly settled for a moment before being whisked away by the windshield wipers. We were the ones making the noise at that point, shouting giddily at each other, “We tricked it! We tricked the weather!”

It was around 2am that we settled in the cabin and finally went to bed. We awakened the next morning to a world blanketed in white. I love fresh snow. When it lands in the night, it’s as if it makes nature pause — everything is so still and quiet. Before it’s touched by humans, the pure white, drifting mounds seem to go on and on. It’s so beautiful. This is the first snow we’ve seen this season, so we were reveling in the magical quality of it.

On our way to breakfast, we drove past our neighborhood donkey, she was contentedly under cover munching on her breakfast. The wicker couch on a porch, which not that long ago held a woman basking in the last rays of sunshine while reading a book, is now covered by a blue, plastic tarp. Dogs reveling in the snow were out with their humans who were alternately shoveling and laughing at their pet’s antics. People wearing snowshoes and winter clothing were briskly heading to mountain trails, replacing bicycles that were not long ago being idly pedaled down the road. Instead of people fishing alongside the bridge, birds were standing opportunistically in their place, waiting for the ice to break just enough…

Our favorite restaurant was pleasantly busy. One of the waitresses was just back from maternity leave, and it was so good to see her. We sat at the counter, as we usually do, and partook in the camaraderie that is such a part of the place.

While eating at the counter, the lady next to me took a phone call. In a low, discreet voice, she asked her caller a few questions and then left her seat for a more private spot. I asked her husband if she was a bail bond agent, he gave me an assessing look, and replied in the affirmative.

Knowing I have a magnetism for strangers telling me most anything and everything about themselves, I mentally shrugged and asked him what he did. He replied, “I’m a criminal lawyer, but I also do Federal Marshall work…” and the conversation continued on to discuss his work, his hopes for his future career, the economy, long-time restaurants in Los Angeles, and continued for another 15-20 minutes, when his wife returned to finish her meal, she joined in the conversation.

After we left, Tony said to me, “Did you find out if they’re on LinkedIn? Maybe you should network with them.” I blinked a couple times, laughed, and replied, “Nooooo?” I’m still trying to figure out if Tony thinks we’ll maybe need a bail bond agent and a criminal lawyer in our future?

After making our rounds in town, it was back to the cabin for movies and peaceful afternoon naps. Relaxing and rejuvenating.

Someone once made the statement that we move at such a fast pace in this world, we need to stop and let our soul catch up with our body.

That’s what the mountains do for us — the beauty and peace, devoid of everyday obligations, allows our souls to catch up with our bodies.

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Filed under I did something Special, I Left Home for Awhile, Life Encompasses Me, Sometimes I Sleep

February 24, 2011 · 9:55 pm

Love & Loathe – Week of 02/20

Loathe:

* Taxes. I’m bemoaning and missing the “once upon a time” when our taxes were so easy that I could do them myself in an afternoon and get a hefty refund for the effort. Hopefully, likely not next year, but the year after, our taxes will be that way again. Accountants are wonderful, and well worth it when taxes are complicated, but the pocketbook and my attitude pay the price.

* When a 4 month old waterproof watch decides it’s not going to be waterproof anymore. I was lap swimming the other night (what else is new), checked my watch to see when I could change to a different stroke and saw a bubble of water inside the plastic. Water in electronic devices=never good.

Love:

* Popcorn and milk. A friend of mine says she likes popcorn and a can of soda, has to be soda for her. I get that, but for me that’s just OK. Or popcorn and hot cocoa… that’s OK, too. But when it gets right down to it, and I’m serious about it, it’s popcorn and a glass of really cold milk that does it for me.

* Having a cat on my lap. Or two. The more the merrier!

* Only two weeks until I get to see my mom. Hooray for mom visits!

* My bosses are back in the office tomorrow (for a day or two). Yay! I’ll be super busy, but so happy to see them.

* My SportCount. As a result of my waterproof watch dying, I recalled that I had one of these SportCount things. I had one of the original models back in 2007, but after a couple months it developed a defective button. Their customer service guy mailed me a new model, but the new model didn’t have a “pause” button on it. At that time, I wasn’t able to lap swim without stopping to catch my breath. Now, I can swim nonstop for hours on end (seriously), and so the new model is perfect for me. So happy!

* Competent vendors. We have our new back yard fence installed now and I just think it’s the most wonderful thing. Also, these vendors actually did the work without damaging anything back there or, you know, injuring themselves. Remarkable.

One Last Thing:

My mom likes to tell stories about when I was a little girl, one of the foremost traits I exhibited was an uncanny knack for planning ahead. I would make my own lunches the night before. I would pick my clothes out for the next day the night before. I still do those things, in case you were wondering, I’m just that kind of person, I guess.

But the specific story my mom likes to tell as an example of this, is how one night, mid-winter in Oklahoma, I wanted a piece of toast, so I went and opened the door and headed to get the bread. “Why’d you open the door? It’s cold out there.” She said to me. I, in my 5 year old wisdom replied, “I’m going to make some toast.” As it happened, our toaster would always burn the toast, no matter what setting you put it on, it burned the bread. Of course, after the toast was burnt, the door to the trailer would get opened to air the place out. She then realized I had linked the two, and by opening the door ahead of time, I was planning ahead for the inevitable.

Lately it seems that I’m going through a phase where, no matter what I’m doing or how careful I am, I always manage to slice my finger. In fact, one day last week, I cut myself one night and then the next day, I “paper cut” the same place with a file folder. As I wrapped a tissue around it, I thought, you know something? When I go to cut things, I should just put the band-aid on before I do it. Maybe spare myself a cut?

So tell me, how do these people do this without ending up with a bunch of cuts on their hands?

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Filed under I own a Home, Love/Loathe, Money Hump Building

February 20, 2011 · 9:45 am

Overcoming Fear, a pondering.

(Written in July of 2006, but never published.)

I’ve always thought that fear is a bad thing. That it’s an ugly thing and should be hidden and suppressed. But, I’ve learned that fear is a feeling and, as with any feeling, to suppress it often makes it the only thing you can think about. It’s interesting, though, how as human beings we find ways to work around our handicaps and still manage to get done what we need to in order to move forward.

Last year, even before I’d set a date for our wedding, I nonchalantly went off with Grace and bought my wedding dress… “just in case.” Or how with the trip to Ireland, I booked the trip and then, in order to prepare for it, I bought a few guidebooks… “just to look at.”

The other thing about fear is that’s it’s oftentimes generalized, BUT it can be a guide to determine with specificity the root of the fear. Then, and only then, can measures be taken to face that fear. You can’t face down the universe, but you can take one fear at a time and learn to know it and, by knowing it, one can either live with it or put it down.

In the last five years, I’ve faced a lot of things I never thought I’d face, made a lot of decisions I never thought I’d make. But, at the time, when I looked at my life and the level of happiness I had versus the level of happiness I knew I could have, I realized changes needed to be made.

I remember shortly after I married Tony and he moved in, I was sitting in his office/spare bedroom with him and I looked at his childhood lamp. It was placed in the corner of that room, next to the closet doors. A feeling of surreality surrounded me. It was as if I was looking down a rabbit hole and it was very far away. I simply couldn’t believe that I was living in this house, in this city, with these pets, with this man, with these things on the walls, that I’d had major surgery just a couple years before, the situation with my brother, everything was just… unreal.

I left the room, walked down the hallway, down the stairs and curled into a ball on the landing of the stairs. It was just… just too much. The human brain is not meant to comprehend so many things at one time.

Tony joined me on the landing of the stairs shortly after I left. I attempted to articulate what was going through my mind, but mostly it was just tears. He is very good at interpreting tears… to the underlying message that I was feeling overwhelmed.

***Today, February 20, 2011***
I’ve come quite a ways since then… wow, four and a half years. I’ve faced down many of the fears I had then and I process things a lot better these days. But new fears, bigger fears already had their bags packed and were ready at a moments notice to move in and replace those that had moved out.

So, when in the throes of working through fear and anxiety, I try to remember these points:

Fears are usually worse when you’re worrying about them than when you experience them. (Example: Ever dread a Monday morning meeting, and then after you attend it, it really wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be?)

I may not think or feel certain goals are attainable, but if the desire is there, it’s already within my reach.

The hardest part is making the decision to face it; then I’m just along for the ride.

Sometimes, no matter how hard it gets or how many panic attacks I have, I just need to ride it out and stay committed to my decision. Even if I feel trapped. Even if I feel as if I can’t do it. No matter what.

A problem has never been solved by worrying over it. Nor will I be the first to do so.

Sometimes you have to do something REALLY BIG, out of this world crazy to put the fear in perspective.

***
Everyone faces fear, things that overwhelm you. Things that you can’t seem to get through. What thoughts do you hold onto when processing?

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Filed under Life Encompasses Me

February 17, 2011 · 10:35 pm

Love & Loathe – Week of 02/13

Loathe:

* Several things, but nothing I’m at liberty to share. Look at me, being all vague and ambiguous.

* Creating picture heavy blog posts. They’re a lot of work! *mops brow* (I came back to the top of this post to add this point, by the way.)

Love:

*Jack jammies. Tony bought me these crazy jammies for Valentine’s Day, and I just love them. Plus, i got a huge laugh yesterday morning when our little bird saw them for the first time. She totally freaked out and flew across the room. This morning she did better, but was still giving them the long neck with feathers down, and keeping a wary eye on them.
So excited to get them, I tried them on for the first time under my work dress!

Yoda giving them the long neck, wary eye treatment this morning. Hilarious!

* Homemade chocolate chocolate chip cookies, with dried cherries in them. Quite delicious, if I say so myself. I’d made the chocolate chocolate chip recipe before, and knew it was a good one. The dried cherries were an inspirational addition. These cookies are so good, I could easily eat about 10 of them and not feel ashamed at all. If you gave me a weird look, I’d hand you one and go, “You try just eating one…” I suppose the addition of cherries allows me to call them “Black Forest Cookies,” doesn’t it?

* Yawning pictures of cats… and seeing my boys back together again. I can’t believe it took a month before Tug accepted Snug back as his buddy. Next time, buddy, you’re going to the vet, too, even if it means I have to pay a day’s boarding fee.

* Facing a three day weekend. I plan on doing absolutely nothing for at least one of those days. Like, maybe even not taking a shower! Gosh, that sounds appealing to me.

* Going to IgLots! We didn’t find any Igloos, in case you were wondering.

* Everyone in our community is getting a new vinyl fence in their back yard, courtesy of the HOA. This is something we have desperately needed (due to termite damage) for the entire 5 1/2 years I’ve lived here. While it’s a big deal, because I had to move all my plants (again) and my back yard is in total disarray and chaos (again), I’m so grateful for this. So grateful, in fact, that I’m giving the fence vendors some of those delicious cookies I baked.
The old fence. Notice how it zig zags?

* I solved the 360° Rubik’s puzzle. Have you seen these? It’s a bit of a double entendre trying to describe how it’s solved. I’m brave. I’ll forge ahead with it and tell you that it involves many balls, sliding parts that go in circles to line up the holes to get the balls in their holder, and then to keep them there you have to slide another part to lock them in. Also, it involves much patience.

One Last Thing:

I wheeled into the parking lot at work last week and saw two ladies who work on the 1st floor of our building wielding saran wrap like a weapon in the parking lot. They were giggling and jabbering at each other like a pair of teenagers at a sleepover.

I smiled at them as I walked past, hoping they wouldn’t touch my car with that stuff, and hurried up to my home on the 2nd floor of the building. I settled in and a bit later went and peered out the window and gasped in surprise at what I saw.

Whoa.

My co-worker and I went outside a bit later and took some pictures. Several of the people from the 1st floor company were outside, too, and we were told that “a practical joke had been played on a practical joker.”

Later, the saran wrap was in a big wad in front of the car, and by the end of the day it was overflowing the trash can. Gotta say, that was quite the practical joke!

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Filed under I own a Home, Love/Loathe

February 10, 2011 · 11:20 pm

Love & Loathe – Week of 02/06

Loathe:

*Weird mystery sickness. On Monday, I developed a cough. But it doesn’t seem to affect my lungs when I’m swimming. Maybe it’s a backwards cold? Like it’s starting in my lungs and moving up to my throat, nose and ears. That’s what it seems to be doing. So we’ll just call it the weird backwards cold.

* I’ve been in an anxiety type of funk the last month or so. I’ve constantly felt as if I’m battling anxiety attacks. Being in constant battle against that sets me on edge, which then makes me feel stressed out. But this past weekend, everything just kind of leveled out for me. Hormones, most likely.

* The worst enormous-bumps-under-the-skin acne I’ve had in years. I’m pretty good at disguising them with makeup, at least I think I am. I must be. Because last night I washed my face and Tony looked over at me after he brushed his teeth and said in a horrified, yet fascinated voice, “What’s that?” He leaned in closer and peered at it. I replied, “A really bad pimple.” He goes, “Wow, that’s huge.” I replied, “You’re not making me feel better about it.” He goes, “But it looks like you ran into a wall or something.” Me, “Do you really want to go down this path when I’m hormonal already, AS EVIDENCED BY MY FACE?” The man is usually pretty tactful, but like I said, it’s really bad acne.

Love:

* Snug and Tug. Their love affair has returned to normal, mostly. Despite that, Snug has continued his recently established routine of a late night love session with me. I love, love, love this. It’s so sweet.

* The CEO of my work offered to bring me a Starbucks this morning. There is so much I’m not saying here because I could turn this into a post all by itself. So I’ll just say, even though I declined (I bring my coffee from home), I’m taking it as a compliment.

* We had mountain time last weekend. Rented movies, popcorn, hot chocolate, extra sleep… you know how much I love our time in the mountains. *grin*

* I took the time to change out all the CDs in my 12 disc CD changer in my car’s trunk. It took maybe 5 minutes to do, and then I asked myself why I hadn’t done it sooner. Now I have “new” tunes to listen to and I added some worship CDs to the mix. I’m hoping they improve my attitude as I sit in traffic, and don’t make me feel like a hypocrite; you know, praising God for his marvelous works while cursing his creations for their stupidity?

* Flavored licorice. Twizzler’s newest – Hershey’s chocolate and cinnamon fire. Be still my heart! Pay no mind to the nearly empty bags.

* Aloe vera juice. Introduced to me by my friend, Grace. Curse you Thank you, Grace, for sharing your delicious addictions discoveries.

One Last Thing:

The pool at our gym has been closed by the health department for an indeterminate amount of time due to “chemical imbalances.” If you know me, you know how big of a deal this is to me, because I swim every single day. I have a routine! Or, should I say, I had a routine.

Fortunately, there’s another branch of our gym not too far from us, but it’s really, really busy. Their pool is one swim lane smaller than our regular gym and it’s not unusual to have a line of four or five swimmers against the wall, all waiting to get in and get their laps in. It’s crazy!

I truly hope our regular gym’s pool gets fixed quickly! I feel like a mermaid out of water…

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Filed under Health/Endo, Love/Loathe, Mermaid Envy, Money Hump Building