Jammie J's Quest

Dear William,

This week on 09/13/2012, you turn 40 weeks old, and this past Saturday (9/8) you turned 9 months old.

We took you to get your 9 month portraits taken on Saturday (of course, because I’m a stickler for having month portraits done on the appropriate day), and you did marvelously. As is your way, you charmed the photographer, you smiled and laughed, you demonstrated your standing skills for the camera. You are just amazing. While we were there, the other studio was doing a newborn shoot with a baby who was just 3 days old and his family. That baby was so small, much smaller than you ever were, and I couldn’t help staring at them because I just cannot imagine having taken you somewhere the day after we were released from the hospital to do a photo shoot with you. Them people was crazy!

The big thing this week: We’ve been working on revising your nap schedule, using a combination of the Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and wake time observation. Sometimes I think all these sleep books are just a way for people to make money from sleep deprived families, but then when it really works and you actually take a decent nap? Well, then, my cynicism is required to re-evaluate itself. It’s not perfect, of course, but there is hope that maybe we’re on the right track with things. Of course, after weeks of frustration, it’s easy to get discouraged when something goes awry.

We also cut back your milk intake from your bottles. I have been suspicious for awhile that you may have been drinking too much during the day and were too full, because you weren’t nursing very well when I got home from work. But you did nurse well for your early morning nursings before I leave for work. I would rather you be hungry and nurse well in the evenings, rather than push me away or bite because you’re too full. It’s so easy to overfeed with a bottle a breastfed baby, because even though it may seem as if 12 ounces in 9 hours isn’t that much, it actually is because breastmilk changes composition and calories to meet your needs as you grow. Whereas formula fed babies don’t have that “changing” component and so the ounces constantly have to be increased.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 8 ounces this week. At your 9 month doctor’s appointment, you were measured as being 30.5 inches tall. Your growth continues to be consistently in the 97th percentile. Your pediatrician thinks you are “so strong” and “doing well” and “have amazing chunky thighs” and did I mention strong? Your favorite food to date has turned out to be banana — something you didn’t care much for at all when it was first introduced to you.

Things I want to remember about you this week: Physically you continue to get stronger and stand for longer periods of time. You seem to have a penchant for accidentally biting your lip with those sharp sharp teeth of yours. You love to dance if there’s music playing, or pat your hands on things to keep the rhythm. You love music — one time you were so upset that I put you in crib, crying, you bounced your way over to the musical soother and turned it on, attempting to help yourself feel better. Umm, bouncing? Yes, you love to bounce in your crib as if it’s a trampoline, holding onto the side. You are still fascinated by the camera for the video monitor and will stare at it for long periods of time, plotting, I’m sure, how you will climb that pole and get a hold of it one of these days. When you’re not contained in your crib or play yard, you have realized that you can follow us out of a room if we leave, and will do so. You also will crawl to us when we call for you, and you crawl SO FAST and get yourself all out of breath while you giggle about it, You attempt to mimic things we say or sounds we make, sometimes you even instigate it, and then you laugh and laugh about it when you get it right. You get mad if the cats leave and you can’t follow them. You love to go on outings and get so happy when the garage door goes up. You love going outside and stroller rides or walks are the bane of your existence, it soothes you like nothing else. I realized this week that I need to be consistent across the board about biting — no biting mommy means not biting me ANYWHERE or ANYTIME, not just nursing. So I started implementing the “no biting mommy” on my shoulder (a favorite of yours) or my leg.

You are continuing to work on your linguistic skills — I’ve heard you working with the letters “t”, “n”, “y”, “d”, “m”, “p”. We had a hilarious conversation about tater tots the other day, with lots of laughter. You are so interactive and seem to love repeating sounds back, or will initiate sounds that we mimic. This part of being a mommy? This part is so much fun!

It’s crazy to think that 18 months ago, I was holding a box that contained within it medicine that was our last resort to having a family. That box was it — it either held the end result of our dreams come true or our dreams crashed down. Nine months ago, I was holding my abdomen that was swollen to hold your entire body within mine. Today I hold you in my arms, I smooth your hair back from your brow, and swell with love, for you are every dream I ever wanted contained in a warm, snuggly, wiggly, giggling little baby body.

Love, Momma

At 40 weeks pregnant… ummm, actually, I didn’t make it to 40 weeks pregnant.

I had been intentionally pushing myself hard physically that week, and the weeks prior. We decorated our home for Christmas — as usual, I did the inside, he did the outside. Walking, lots of walking — that week we went to a our local park for their Victorian Christmas celebration, and visited Disneyland twice. Both Disneyland visits, we speed walked from the parking structure to the gate, passing people pushing strollers (must have been a sight) and walked around Disneyland, and then speed walked back to the car. I didn’t take any time off from the gym and lap swam an hour each night directly after work, mostly because I wasn’t sure when The Last Swim would occur. I would get home and, quite literally, drag myself up the stairs and go to bed.

My Tuesday doctor appointment went well that week, but on Wednesday, with no sign of labor in sight, I was concerned that at my 40 week appointment my OB might recommend inducement given her belief that the baby was big. Knowing inducement increased the chances of a C-Section, I didn’t want that. To alleviate my concern, I emailed my birth doula who said she would attend my Friday doctor appointment with me for support. I also determined that if inducement was medically necessary, I would choose the Foley catheter method.

I had Braxton Hicks contractions all day on Wednesday and, to amuse myself, I was writing the start time of them on a post-it note and keeping it under my keyboard while I went about my job. They weren’t painful at all, just annoying and a bit distracting. My boss joked with me that day, not knowing that I was having contractions, that, knowing me, I would give birth to this kid on a schedule.

After my swim Wednesday, I packed my lunch for the next day, ate a salad and went to bed early. I woke refreshed, but chilly, on Thursday at 4:11 AM. It was 62° in the house, so I went downstairs to turn on the heat… and a contraction came on, and then another. I sat on the yoga ball to alleviate the pressure and then headed back upstairs with a detour to the restroom. More contractions occurred and time passed in a blur. I heard the shower start up in the other restroom, so my husband was up and it was shortly after 5 AM. Since I couldn’t seem to move without a contraction happening, I managed to walk a few steps to my purse and I sent him a text message: “I think I might be in labor.” And I waited.

A few minutes later, he came in the bedroom to find me still sitting on the floor holding my cell phone. He asked me what I was doing and I replied that I thought I might be in labor. We started tracking the contractions, but it started to feel as if the contractions were right on top of each other, or not ending at all. I finally passed some blood, and I suggested that maybe we should call my birth doula, that it was after 6am so it seemed a reasonable hour. I wasn’t really sure I was in labor, and was fairly convinced that she would tell me to take a nice relaxing bath and wash my hair. In fact, I was debating the entire time if I should go to work, but was annoyed because I didn’t think I would be able to concentrate because of the contractions, and I was fairly certain that I probably shouldn’t drive.

I was kind of surprised, then, when my doula suggested that we meet at the hospital. When I hesitated, she said she would come over. So, she came over, evaluated the situation and noted that I was having what is called “piggyback contractions,” and then insisted we head for the hospital.

Upon arrival at the hospital, after changing out of my cool Jack Skellington pajamas into their ugly hospital robe, the nurse checked me. I was shocked when she told me I was dilated to 7 cm. She asked if I had called my OB… umm, no. But I was obsessing about calling my job to let them know I wouldn’t be in, but everyone kept declining my requests. The nurse exited my curtained area to call my OB, and a huge contraction waved over me and my water broke. As exciting and startling as that was, my first thought was, “Oh bummer, now I don’t get to use those awesome jacuzzi tubs in the delivery room.” It was at that point that I finally accepted that I was really in labor.

My blood pressure was running a little on the high end and I was encouraged to relax and breathe deeply — yay for the Bradley classes and all the practicing we had done! With my team’s encouragement, I was able to relax and lower it to a more acceptable level. At one point, the contractions became painful, but my doula applied counterpressure and it reverted to the feeling of intense pressure. My doula then whispered to my husband that I was in transition and I expected the pain to increase, but it really didn’t.

The pressure increased to the point where I felt like I needed to push, and I was checked again and was given the OK to do so, which kind of amused me because, at that point, it wasn’t something that I couldn’t do. I remembered from the tour of the hospital that “when the lights come out of the ceiling, you know it’s show time.” Dun, dun dun… the lights came out of the ceiling.

I attempted to follow their direction on pushing, but it became easier for me to self direct since I was able to feel the contractions beginning and ending. I asked several times whether Baby was in stress, and was assured an equal amount of times that he was fine. Since there had been meconium in the water, my OB had requested the NICU team be present, as well as a second doctor to help catch our son when he was born. Given my fear of perineal tearing, I felt as if the pushing was taking forever, but at the same time I knew that the slower I went the more time I gave my skin to stretch… and since baby was fine, I took my time.

Our son’s head emerged, and then the nurse did a maneuver to bring his shoulders through (avoiding shoulder dystocia), that although she had warned us what she was going to do, it was still a bit startling. And, so it was, that 6 hours and 42 minutes of labor yielded the birth of our son at 10:53 AM on December 8, 2011. Despite the meconium in his fluid, he was fine. More than fine, actually, as his APGAR ratings were 8 and 9. One of the first things I told my OB after William was birthed was that I needed to cancel my appointment the next morning… and I also told her that I guess I had proven her wrong, no C-Section needed. I am in awe, to this day, that I was able to birth a baby who weighed an astonishing 10 pounds 11 ounces without an epidural or pain meds or tearing. That because of the insane amount of lap swimming and diet restriction that I did, I gained a mere 24.5 pounds… and much of that, quite literally, was William.

The entire process felt like a dance to me, The Labor Dance, I called it. The event, while simple in words — “I gave birth” — was actually a much more involved event with me doing what I had to do and my son had a job to do, too, moving and aligning himself properly. We both had to tolerate a great deal of stress, as labor is a very physically intense event. But really, it was the two of us, working together, supported by our team, to bring him into this world… so we could become a family. I also loved that Tony was there through every bit of it, helping me through the contractions, helping me with my labor positions, providing emotional support and, best of all, cutting the umbilical cord. But really? The best part of all, was that this wasn’t an ending, it was the beginning.

Dear William,

This week you turn 39 weeks old on 09/06/2012.

This past weekend you had your first Labor Day, which meant we had a three day weekend together… and it was the weekend I wish we’d had over our 4 day wedding anniversary weekend last month. Lots of nursing, lots of cuddles, lots of sweetness.

This week you are weighing in at 26 pounds 6.5 ounces. You are wearing 18 month sized clothing and our diaper insert strategy is the same as last week. This past weekend, I went through your closet and removed all the 12 month sized clothing as you no longer fit into them.

This has not been a good week for you with respect to your sleep. Well, not your sleep, exactly, you actually sleep fine once you are asleep. It’s the falling asleep part that you’re having an issue with and it’s brutal. Naps and bedtime are excruciatingly challenging. The Wonder Weeks chart indicates that this week should actually be a good week for you, so unless you’re working on your next leap early, I’m just not sure what’s going on with you. I could make all sorts of excuses for you — it’s hot and humid and you like cuddling but when we’re sitting there sweating together in a sauna it’s hard to fall asleep? Or maybe your front teeth are hurting you as they continue to grow? Or maybe your brain just won’t shut down because you’re learning to walk? I don’t really know, but child, you need your sleep.

In fact, there was one point this week when I tried to resign as your mother, but your father wouldn’t let me. I had just gotten you to sleep for the night and when I put you in your crib, you rolled and shoved your foot and leg through the crib slats. I was afraid you would roll in your sleep and twist your leg, so I pushed it back through, the logical thing to do, and … it woke you up… and then you were up and awake again and it took another hour and half before you fell back to sleep. This after two days of late bedtimes and single naps for the day. So, we’re trying a new nap schedule, with “napping windows” and we’re hoping for the best. The first day of it was a mess… you didn’t fall asleep in your nap window so you were let out of your crib and you were crawling so fast down the hallway and back again that my mom wasn’t sure if you were crawling or flying, but you were all out of breath!

Last week my mom had new glass windows and doors installed in her house. The installer was using a nail gun and the sound of it scared you and made you cry. My mom decided to help you think it was funny. Fast forward to the weekend and your obsession with the cat door. I had read about something called blanket training for young babies and how moms can teach a mobile baby to stay on a blanket by snapping a yardstick around the parameter of the blanket. I thought that might be helpful to keep you away from the cat door. It backfired, because the popping noise of the yardstick sounds just like a nail gun and you stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed. You’ve also started standing up in your bath tub, and it’s kind of hard to give you a bath if you’re standing up. Anyway, I decided to playfully smack your naked little tushie because it was RIGHT THERE, and you thought that was funny, too, and there you stood, in your bath, wet, and howling with laughter. I’m suspicious that disciplining you is going to be a bit of a challenge.

Things I want to remember about this week: You love taking showers and will watch the water fall from the spout to the ground with great fascination. Then, when the water hits your body when we take one over by the pool area after we’re done swimming, you giggle about the whole thing, so maybe we’ll be transitioning to a shower (rather than a bath) sooner than I would have thought, given your desire to stand in your bath AND your love for showers. When I open the shutters in your window in the morning, we both look out and check out your “hood”, and you grin when you spot the flag your father always has raised under the eave of your room’s roof. More often than not when we set you down in the upstairs hallway you take off crawling as fast as you can and make a beeline to the books in your grandma’s room — you love books! You love to play with the cat door and I have been concerned that you’ll attempt to crawl through it into the cat run, but one day I decided to let you play with it and all you do is sit there and make it snap. We bought you a “Take Along Tunes” toy made by Baby Einstein, it has bright lights and music, which is great, but you like to turn it over and poke at the screws as if you’d like to figure out how to take it apart. You make the sign for “milk” now and mean it. We were heading out the door to run an errand, and you looked right at me with a half smile on your face and made the sign for milk. I was uncertain about it, because it had only been 45 minutes since you had eaten. But to be consistent with the meaning, I offered, and you could have knocked me over with a feather, because you ate ravenously.

Ever since I started back to work when you were 3 months old, my mom has been bringing you to my work on Mondays so you could nurse during my lunchtime. I really wish I worked closer to home so I could just go home on my lunch hours and nurse you, particularly because when she brings you to my work, the “new” place stimulates you and you become distracted easily, with increasingly LOUD vocalizations and SCREAMING. You’ll nurse for 5, maybe 10 minutes, and then you want down to go explore. Repeated offerings of the breast result in yelling on your part, and I am uncomfortable with that in an office setting. You’re not like that at home or when I nurse you in the car. As a result, I think we’re going to end the Monday lunch sessions until the weather cools off and I can nurse you in the car. It’s sad to say it, but my pumping sessions are more productive rather than nursing you at work. We’re working on nursing manners (always), and you’re not like that anywhere else. I constantly have to remind myself that you are getting older and growing up more and more every day, and that’s something that I can’t stop, and wouldn’t want to stop even if I could, but can only adjust to and learn to accept.

Love, Momma

***
At 39 weeks pregnant, I wasn’t emotionally done being pregnant, but I was quite done with the rhetorical questions that people loved to ask. I understood, of course, what else can one talk about when WOW, THAT BABY BELLY IS RIGHT THERE. In fact, it was a source of amusement one night when I was flossing my teeth in front of the full length mirrored closet door in our bedroom/bathroom. The door started shaking and I thought it was an earthquake, only to realize that it was my pregnant belly hitting the door.

I felt absolutely amazing, healthy and strong, and was incredibly proud of myself for eating so healthy, exercising, researching things and preparing myself for that which was ahead. I had no qualms about being a mom and all that entailed, but the thing that was freaking me out was pumping breastmilk. I found the pump to be incredibly intimidating, what with all the tubes and suction cups and bottles and sterilizing things. Yikes.

I found encouragement for natural birthing from strange places that week. One place was on the blog of a lady who birthed an 11 lb 3 oz baby at home with a midwife, and another was from a lady I didn’t know at the gym who randomly shared that she’d had five babies and begged me to “not have an epidural! They can hurt your back forever… please do it naturally!” It was so funny to me to receive that type of encouragement from strangers, when all I’d received from most people was to take all the pain meds that the hospital will dole out or just forget the whole process altogether and get a C-Section!

Something went wonky that week with the chemical levels at the gym’s pool. My swim suit suddenly faded within two days to a non-descript grey color, my hair was suddenly fragile and dry, and was breaking off. In addition, a bright red rash showed up under both of my arms and I couldn’t get the smell of chlorine off of me, despite several showers. Then, Tuesday night, after attending the aquatics exercise class I noticed that anywhere my swimsuit had touched me, was burning as if I’d somehow sunburned them. I Googled the symptoms and learned that I had a chlorine burn. I was pretty upset and in pain from it, and decided I should notify the gym’s manager. After talking with him, he was really dismissive and didn’t even seem to care that much. So I started going to a different gym, but driving there added extra time to my evening workouts.

The doctor appointments that week were much less stressful for me since they were on the schedule that worked best for me vs. for my doctor, and the monitoring, ultrasound and exam revealed a strong fetal heartbeat, proper amount of fluid and “normal progress.”

So I was to continue what I’d been doing: lap swimming for an hour every day and tons of walking.

I felt incredibly blessed to have reached 39 weeks — I never, ever thought I would reach that point. There were parts of the journey that were absolutely terrifying for me. I felt like I should hold up some sort of victory trophy for reaching that point against all the odds. I was incredibly anxious to meet my baby, but at the same time I continued to savor and enjoy each and every moment that I got to have him all to myself. I knew that there would never ever, ever be another time in my life that I would get to experience the feeling of holding my baby boy that way.

Plus, I knew that pregnancy was really the easy part of being a parent!

Dear William,

Today you turn 38 weeks or 8.7 months old.

This past weekend we had family over for a BBQ, and it was fun to observe how you and your cousins interact with each other. It’s actually fun to see that most kids are fascinated with you, mostly because you’re a baby and I think kids are fascinated with someone smaller than themselves.

Your cousins were so patient with you, and you were all about trying to use them as standing tools because you wanted to do what they were doing so easily — standing and walking! Your cousin Huck spent a fair amount of time playing speed peek-a-boo (peek-a-boo over and over again really fast) with you, with you laughing as encouragement, and then, exhausted, he went and sat down on the couch! You kind of took over entertaining everyone with a game of “habababa” (where I put my hand to your mouth repeatedly while you vocalize). You love that game, but I felt kind of bad because you took over the entire adult conversation that was going on. It’s just a baby’s way, I guess.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 6 ounces this week. Clothes size (18 month) and diaper insert strategy are the same as last week.

You are getting to be a pro at standing for longer periods of time. I mentioned in last week’s update that you took some attempted sideways steps while holding on to the coffee table, but then preempted that progress by falling and hurting yourself. Unfortunately, you were scared to sit down by yourself after that, but after a couple of days you overcame that fear. I understand that mentality, it’s something that I have struggled with.  But I learned that as with anything in life, you have to practice something to be better at it — if there’s one thing I can teach you, it’s to not ever let your fear hinder your progress. Fear should serve one purpose in life, and that is to caution you, if need be, and make you evaluate something a bit longer or deeper before moving forward, but don’t ever let fear freeze you into stagnation.

Things I want to remember about this week — what a super fast crawler you are, and to add to that, you now have realized that you can take your toys with you. So there you go, crawling across the floor, swish, swish, swish, PLACK! With your toy in your hand. You are so excited about bath time that you crawl out of your diaper, but then on the way to the bathroom you get distracted by your toys and squeal with naked glee! You are also very fast to get to a standing position now. It’s so odd to come into your room in the morning, and there you stand, smiling at me, in your crib. You are also pretty talented at adjusting the camera to your video monitor in your crib, and we had to move it a little farther back and up out of your reach yet again. How a smile spreads across your face and you laugh when you spot my car turning into the community, you look at me and then your eyes turn downward and watch my wheels turn. The way you dig your heels into the lawn as if you love the feel of cold dirt on your feet. How violent you are with your bicycle horn that you use to alleviate your teething pain, and how gentle you have been this week when nursing. Kissing your cheeks and how they feel like apples warmed by the sun because you’re usually smiling. How chubby your legs are, so chubby that your knees are doubled over with fat. The way your feet are rounded because they haven’t flattened out from walking yet. The staring contests you and I have — you will be throwing a fit and I will get real close to your face and raise my eyebrows, not even saying anything, and you’ll stop crying and just stare at me, and stare and stare. If that works as discipline later on, I will be SO happy, to discipline you without even saying a word.

These new skills that you are attaining at lightning speed, it’s so funny, because your baby book lists them out in a bullet point format as if one day you’ll suddenly be crawling, or walking or whatever, but the thing is with you, it doesn’t just happen overnight. Maybe it does for other babies, but for you it’s such a gradual thing with lots of practice and stages and laughter and frustration, that suddenly I’ll look at you and realize, holy crap, I need to write a date down for that!

Your nursing strike really does appear to be over and I am so, so grateful to have my sweet, snuggly, nursing baby back. Tuesday morning you nursed yourself into oblivion. You got the first letdowns on both sides and then cried, and I snuggled you and sang to you for about 10 minutes, and then offered the right side again, your favorite, and you nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed and fell back to sleep. My sweet boy. I left you, sleep, warm and cuddly with a light blanket over your legs, in your crib and went to work, thinking of you the entire drive in.

I never knew way back when you were a newborn and I was battling the pain of being a newly nursing momma that these memories of you nursing would end up being the moments that sustain me when I am away from you. If someone were to ask me why I continue to do so, that would be my answer, but there’s no way I could possibly convey the depth of how much it means to me. How much you mean to me.

Love, Momma

William, 38 weeks old, 08/30/2012

**

At 38 weeks pregnant, I had been back to swimming at the gym instead of our community pool for a couple weeks, which meant that I was no longer getting up at 5am to go swimming but, rather, was going after work. I was also attending the aquatic exercise classes that the gym offered three times a week. If there were an option to take the stairs in buildings, I would take them. In fact, my OB’s office is on the sixth floor of her building, and I would take the stairs up, then down, then ride the elevator back up and take them down again. Physically I felt absolutely great and I attributed it all the swimming and exercise I was doing.

My birth doula had recommended a special cream for perineal massages and I had started alternating that cream with evening primrose oil, as preparation for the natural birth that I wanted. I had my first true pregnancy food craving that week — turkey breast! I went into my favorite candy store with the intention of buying something, and ended up walking out with nothing — I was shocked because nothing appealed to me.

The big drama that week for me was my OB appointment schedule. I had originally requested, and been given, a Tuesday/Friday appointment schedule (stress monitoring twice a week, an ultrasound fluid check once a week after the Friday monitoring). But my OB had reviewed it and insisted on a Monday/Thursday schedule, because she didn’t work on Tuesdays. I didn’t really care, as the Monday appointment was only reviewing the ticker tape from the monitoring, plus I liked her partners just as well as her, but she was apparently possessive of her patients. Anyway, when I arrived that Monday, I was informed that I would have to come back on Tuesday for another monitoring session and an ultrasound, and then again on Friday. There was a specific amount of time that was allowed to pass between appointments, and the Thanksgiving holiday and office closures on Thursday threw the whole schedule off… so THREE appointments in one week. I was annoyed. Then, when I expressed my irritation, they pulled the “it’s for the health of the baby” card. As if I were neglecting my baby by wanting to take care of myself and my time? That pushed me over the edge from annoyed to livid and I had a Come to Jesus discussion with them and INSISTED on a return to my Tuesday/Friday schedule after that week, as I pointed out, the whole thing wouldn’t have been a problem if we had stayed with the schedule I originally had.

I had another scare that week, I missed a stair when I was coming down the stairwell in my house and landed, hard, on my knee. Terrified that I had done something that might cause an issue (placental separation came to mind), I turned right back around and went and pulled out my doppler. Baby’s heartbeat was strong and sure and reassuring to me. Later that night, after all the emotion of the day — from the early morning, the doctor appointment, the stair scare, just everything, I laid down on the couch and melted into my husband’s arms while we watched TV. I got so comfortable that I fell asleep snuggled up in his arms. I was sleeping so hard, he told me later that I was snoring! Throughout the pregnancy, I had believed Baby to be a good baby who slept when i slept, because he had rarely awakened me. However, I came out of my spontaneous nap to hear my husband chuckling in my ear while his hand rubbed circles on the left side of my belly and our child within. Baby was poking his foot at his father, and my husband was in turn pushing and rubbing Baby’s foot. They apparently had been “playing” that game for 15-20 minutes.

It was times like those when I begin to get impatient for our child to make his debut. I wanted to start making memories with him outside of my body, as a family.

I’ve been posting weekly updates about William on Facebook.  Since I didn’t share much about my pregnancy while I was pregnant, I’ve also been including a summary of the coordinating pregnancy week.  I’m not really sure why I haven’t been posting it here.  No tangible reason that I can think of. So this week I’m putting this update where it should be.  Here.  On my blog.  The place I’ve always considered to be my Internet home.

***

Dear William,

This week on 08/23/2012, you turned 37 weeks or 8.5 months old.

We went to the mountains this past weekend and made it a 4 day weekend to celebrate your father’s birthday and our 7 year wedding anniversary.  It was supposed to be a wonderful weekend, filled with hiking and breakfast at our favorite restaurant, lots of nursing, cuddling, and laughter, and then you go to bed, like you always do, and your father and I have our time.  We planned to BBQ and have popcorn and watch movies, and in between looking at the video monitor and watching you while you slept because we miss you so much.  Most of that did happen, and it was wonderful, but the nursing part was a bit of a challenge, as I will share a bit later.

I can’t tell you how much I look forward to feeling you, holding you, and loving on you.  Hearing you laugh, seeing your huge open mouth smile just because you’re alive.  I hold every second I spend with you near to my heart, hoping that I never forget the details, even though I know I already have. I never, ever thought that I would find such contentment from just sitting on the floor watching you play, marveling at how you change every day.  Not that long ago the only thing you could do was lie on your back, kick your legs and smile at the ceiling fan as it went round and round above you.  Now you go round and round yourself, smiling and laughing at us as you perfect your crawling, standing, and cruising.

Yes.  Cruising.  This past weekend you took a few tentative steps, sideways, your mouth wide open in a smile, holding onto the coffee table with both hands for security, but you wanted that remote for the TV!  In your quest to learn to walk, you had your first accident this weekend, also.  Your father was busy carrying stuff in from the car, and I sat down next to you to remove my hiking boots.  You pulled yourself up on the coffee table, but your butt and legs were at an odd angle from the rest of your body, and when you went to sit down you bonked your head (or so I thought) on the coffee table. I thought you were OK, but the next thing I knew, you looked like a character out of one of your father’s zombie horror movies, which blood rushing out of your mouth, over your two lower teeth, onto your shirt.  It was horrible!  We tried wet papertowels, a frozen teether ring, and finally in desperation, nursing.

You were on a partial nursing strike this weekend, so I didn’t think you would want to nurse, but I offered anyway.  You took it, and it was the only thing that consoled you.  It consoled you so well, in fact, that you went down for a nap for 2 hours.  It wasn’t until the next day that I was able to see the injury in your mouth (we couldn’t see initally because of all the blood, and then later you wouldn’t let us see)… when you fell, you injured your gums between your upper lip and your top front teeth.  No wonder it bled so much and your lip was swollen!

Let’s revisit the nursing strike part of this… because it was horrible and I hope we never go through it again.  The one thing I’ve always been able to rely on with you has been your insatiable appetite and your love of being near me and nursing, no matter what.  To have you push me away while screaming just broke my heart, not to mention that I worried about my supply AND it really, really sucked to have to pump instead of nursing you .  Maybe it’s silly given that so many moms just want their baby to sleep through the night, but I kind of look forward to our middle of the night nursing session because it’s so peaceful, quiet and still, and to have to pump instead?  I loathe it on a good day, but on a day (or night) when you’re RIGHT THERE and are refusing me?  It’s horrendous.   I know your refusal of nursing was likely a combination of everything that’s going on with you… teething, being away from home, learning to stand/walk, because everything appears to be back to normal now, and I’m so very grateful.

Things that are funny to you this week:   Yawning is hilarious.  Being tossed in the air or spun around while in my arms (makes me dizzy!).  Peek-a-boo is always a hit.  Hiding your bath toy underwater while I hum the Jack-in-the-Box song and popping the toy up at the appropriate time in the song is the best thing!  In fact, you start giggling in anticipation by the third note into the song.  You have always loved your Froggy Lovey, but this week it’s been taken to an all new high — you spot Froggy from across the room and will reach for it and grin at it.  It’s kind of ridiculous and more than a little funny.  Ummm, and the broom, you love chasing the broom if we’re sweeping.

Crawling, standing, trying to walk, climbing up stairs.  Babbling — mamamamaaa, daddadadaaa, bbaabababa are standards. I heard you say papapappaaa for the first time this week.

Your 4th tooth, the upper left front, emerged this week on 08/22/2012.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 1 ounce, the same as last week.  Yet, I swear, you feel bigger, or maybe you’re just longer?  You are still in the same size clothing as last week, 18 month.  Also, no discussion of a baby would be complete without “output” talk, so we’ll just share that we are continuing to double stuff your first diaper of the day.  By way of explanation, Bum Genius cloth diapers come with two microfiber inserts, a “regular” and a “newborn”.  For overnights, we stuff the diapers with the “regular” and a Thirsties Hemp insert.  For the first diaper of the day,  we stuff it with the “regular” and “newborn” insert. Twice this week you woke up with a big poop in your diaper, and your poop is changing consistency to be more solid, although we cut back on offering solids while you were on your nursing strike to try and woo you back to the breast.

I have been preparing for our trip that we’re planning to take to Iowa in November.  A trip I’m both excited and nervous about.   You will be 11 months old at that time, and we’ve not slept in the same room since you were 6 weeks old… that’s the part I’m nervous and anxious about.  You sleep well, but you’re a light sleeper taking after me in that respect, unfortunately.  The flying part, I’m just concerned that the elevation change is going to make you poo and poo and then we’ll have to figure out changing your smelly diaper in a flying canister 10,000 feet in the air.  Or maybe we’ll just stop feeding you solids two weeks before the trip… haha.   The trip will also be epic because you will, God willing, be meeting both of your great aunts (my dad’s sisters) for the first time… and, hopefully, it will be special to them, too, as you would be my dad’s only grandchild, if he were still alive.

I know my dad would love you if he were still alive.  How could he not?  Your smile and style of living life out loud draws even the most introverted of people to you.

Love, Momma

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At 37 weeks pregnant, I was considered full-term for baby boys (who develop a week slower than baby girls). Braxton Hicks were a constant part of my life, usually acting as an alarm clock at 330 AM.  One afternoon that week, Baby got the hiccups, then decided to practice his breathing and then I got a Braxton Hicks contraction… for the half hour that all that was going on, it was as if my belly was possessed!  Baby loved when I went swimming, perhaps he sensed the weightlessness of it, but sometimes it felt as if he were swimming right along with me.

I loathed the twice weekly Fetal Stress Monitoring appointments.  My OB had one machine, and despite my attempts to get the first appointment of the day, I always ended up waiting 20-30 minutes to get on the machine.  It was maddening and *I* found it to be very stressful.  In an attempt to minimize the loss of work hours, I was getting into work at 7am to compensate for the time at the doctor’s office, which meant a loss of sleep… to a pregnant lady… which made me very cranky.  My OB commanded me to continue exercising.  It was ironic to me, given that I’d been on bedrest several times throughout the pregnancy.

My co-worker threw me a baby shower at work that week, and I was touched at the generosity of my co-workers.  It astounded me how generous people were to me, but really the generosity was for a little baby they hadn’t even met yet.  I spent that weekend washing some hand-me-down clothing that a friend of my husband’s family had given us.  She has 2 little boys, and I felt as if she had been waiting for just the right person to give all those adorable clothes to.  The ordinaryness of doing laundry for my baby made it feel real to me, as if the fact that those clothes had been worn by real little boys who were alive and thriving made it real that my little boy would thrive, too.

I consciously shifted my emotional state that week to recognize that labor and contractions were now a good thing, a healthy thing, and would result in a live baby, which is not a state that I had ever been in before.  There were possiblities that were too unthinkable to imagine, but I was relieved that I no longer had to worry about preterm labor or birth.

My favorite thing continued to be feeling and watching Baby practice his breathing.  It enthralled me and it boggled my mind that he could just stop “breathing” and be perfectly fine in there.  That it was just practice, after all.