Category Archives: I feel Hope

Those Little Boys.

I saw them last week. It was evening, not morning, and I had been swimming laps for about 10 minutes when they entered the pool area. It was just their mom with them, and so I wasn’t actually sure it was them… the boys have grown so tall. Not yet at the gangly pre-teen stage, they moved with the grace of youth and their voices were still slightly shrill in their excitement as they threw a water football back and forth to each other.

Their ball got in my path 3 or 4 times, a missed pass here and there. I smilingly tossed it to them as I swam past it to let them know it was OK, but they still apologized to me.

They were high energy, as I remembered them to be. The younger one still seems to have that impish mischief that is inherent to him. Just moments before I got out of the pool to shower, their mom joined them in their game in the pool. I managed to get her attention when I was leaving the pool and confirmed that they were who I thought they were by inquiring if her husband has red hair. She gave me an odd half smile and paused before answering in the affirmative… her reaction gave me the feeling there was a “story” there, like maybe they’re not together anymore? I acted like I didn’t notice and just told her that, from one mom to another, I was impressed with her boys… that they played well together.

As most people are, she was reluctant to accept the compliment without a qualifier, and she said, “Oh, they’re not always this way.” I just smiled and said with a shrug, “They’re kids…” and left it at that.

I was surprised to realize that I actually enjoyed seeing them again. Knowing that they are OK. Growing up, as children do. I hope I gave their mom some encouragement. If nothing else, I know she had a smile on her face for that moment.



Filed under I feel Glad, I feel Hope, Mermaid Envy

Mother’s Day

Last year on this day I intentionally spent the day alone, avoiding people, because I was two months pregnant and afraid that I wouldn’t make it to the end of the pregnancy with a living baby.  I didn’t want to be wished a happy mother’s day, because I didn’t feel like a mother.  I felt like a fraud.

It’s a weird place to be, when you’ve had a miscarriage and have struggled with infertility, it steals the joy that hope offers for a miracle.  You learn not to expect anything, that way if it doesn’t become a reality, you’re not overly disappointed.  Or at least that’s what I told myself.

This year I am sensitive to the fact that there may be women out there who in their heart are already a mother but they may not have the baby that their heart dreams of holding.  I wish I could make every mother’s dream come true.  I wish every mother could be as happy as I am.

Even on my worst day when I’m at my wits end, which honestly doesn’t happen that often, it’s the best day of my life because this world is where William lives.  I hear his laugh, his squeals, even his screams of joy.  I see his smiles, I feel his super soft, chubby skin, I stroke his hair, I feel him nursing… and even with all that, I can still hardly believe that I get to actually hold every day and night in my arms the tangible result of the dreams of my heart.

Happy Mother’s Day.


Filed under I feel Glad, I feel Hope, Our Kid is Cute

No Love & Loathe…

I was planning to write my weekly Love/Loathe/One Last Thing but, bummer for you, I have much more to say than bullet points.

I keep waiting for the panic to set in, the panic related to “Oh my God, I’m jobless in the highest unemployment rate the country has ever seen!!” But so far it hasn’t. In the meantime while we wait for the panic, we’ll talk about the hurt over the way they handled my termination — my boss wasn’t even there! When I explained the situation to my Aunt Marjorie, she summed it up best with, “Sounds like a lot of skullduggery going on!” She went on to tell me, in the no nonsense manner she has, to “put some starch in your britches and don’t fall into depression like so many other people do when they lose their job.”

I surely do love my Aunt Marjorie. I come from some amazing survivors.

I cried a lot Monday night and Tuesday — and that’s OK. I think it’s OK to feel hurt. I think it’s OK to grieve the loss, not only the financial loss, but the loss of so many friendships — people I truly adored working with each and every day. Dear God, that part of it really hurts. The handful of people who were around when I was terminated (you can’t hide much in cubicle land) were liberal in their comforting hugs, sympathy and expressions of shock — I think the adoration was mutual.

There’s something special about that company. Something I’ve never been able to quite lay my finger on and say, “That’s it! That’s where the magic is!” That company has managed to hire people who are genuine, helpful, incredibly talented, smart… every single person who works there is willing to be there for you if you need them. Sure they’re human, and there were day-to-day frustrations and irritations, but those were always, always dimmed by the overriding “magic.” I never experienced true, willing teamwork until I worked there and it was a daily gift.

I’ve tried to reach my former boss, but she’s “unavailable” and I suppose I would be, too, given that I’m sure she doesn’t want to deal with someone who she thinks is bitter and angry, when that’s what HR is for.

The thing is, I’m not bitter and angry… I’m hurt and I’d like to tell her that and hear what she has to say. But mostly, and perhaps oddly, I wish I could tell her that I’m thankful for the time I had there. I’m thankful that I had such a wonderful boss as her, and the other two gentlemen for whom I had the honor to work. She gave me the platform on which to grow my confidence and skills. She was gifted in assigning new duties to me — she knew I could do them, but never left me feeling like I was doing them alone. Her trust in my abilities and judgment, and her support of the business decisions I made, enabled me to heal from the antics of the boss I had at my previous job. She mentored and coached me in such a way that I never felt “less” when I wasn’t sure what decision I should make. She always, always greeted me with a smile and took the time to answer my questions, even when I knew she was having a rough day. There are so many other things I could list about her, but the bottom line is, those traits are not common finds in many executives, and for that reason, they were gifts. She is an incredible businesswoman.

And I guess that’s the thing. It is just business. This was a business decision she made on behalf of the company. She’ll take on my work, I’m sure, and will go back to working 18 hour days, the kind of hours no one should have to work. But she will, because she’s just that way.

Me, well, I’ve filed for unemployment, completed the termination paperwork, took the time to redesign my resume, contacted my references, and have already started the job hunt. On the extracurricular side, I’ve gone swimming during the daytime, gone to the San Diego Wild Animal Park (on a guest pass) with my friend, Grace, and helped Tony out with a couple of projects. Since I have the time, maybe I should go visit some of you guys? I’ve already teased my mom that I might come see her in South Korea! *grin*

So, yeah, termination sucks and I’m very sad, but it’s part of life. From here, the journey continues and I’m hopeful (right now) that the next job will be even better and I’ll be even more blessed. That hope is, in no small way, attributable to you guys, and my friends and family. All of y’all are my inspiration.

I am so blessed.


Filed under I feel Hope, I have Family, I have Friends, I Left Home for Awhile, Mermaid Envy, Money Hump Building, Women Before Me

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