Love & Loathe – 01/06/11 (Late)


* I’m at an age now where I feel as if conversations with my elders should start with, “Now they’re still alive, right?” For example, I sent a Christmas card to former neighbors of mine, of whom I am quite fond. They’re getting on in years, I know, but the letter I received in response from Mr. K sharing that his wife had passed on mid-2010 just made me so very sad. Something tells me this age thing isn’t going to get any better.

* Got a letter in the mail today from a real, live attorney who represents my HOA. Apparently, they felt the conversation I had with their painting vendor last month, wherein I expressed how upset I was about them screwing up my plants and stomping our Christmas decorations, was threatening. They want money to pay for a different vendor to paint our house. There’s so much that’s wrong with this, I don’t even know where to start, except it wasn’t a good ending to my Saturday.

* Knee high nylons that fall down. While I dislike getting to work and tugging my knee highs up, it does make me think of my Grandmas and I love thinking about my Grandmas, but I’m not sure I’m ready to follow in their footsteps quite this early in my life.


* My latest snack of banana chips and vanilla yogurt. The banana chips add an interesting crunch to the yogurt. There’s a way to make yogurt out of raw milk and I’m thinking that I may need to investigate doing so given the “distress” I’ve been having as a result of my foray in the pasteurized dairy products.

* Cuties. Whoever came up with the marketing ploy of fun, cute little stickers on the outside of Clementine oranges? Genius. Pure genius. Everyone wants a sticker for positive reinforcement, right? Well, I do.

* Our vet who saved Slasher. I took my two boys (Tug and Snug) in last night and she was soooooo good with them. Even though Tug was yowling and hissing and wiggling all around. I’m not thrilled that I need to spend extra $$ on Snug, who has inflamed gums and a bit of infection. So, he gets a dental cleaning under anesthesia. Ugh. All in all, though, it might be a good thing, because everyone knows dental problems are the gateway to a lot of other health problems. Since bacteria on the teeth, among other things, compromises the immune system, it also increases vulnerability to catching upper respiratory infections. Let’s hope it helps him.

* Four day work weeks, just finished the third 4-day work week in a row.

One Last Thing:

Sometimes it seems as if we’re all carrying such heavy loads every day. I know for me, it has certainly felt that way. I go a couple of days feeling as if I’ve just gotten a handle on it, and then something else happens and I’m left with a tottering load. I’m looking up at this big pile of concerns teeter-tottering over my head and, above it all, I’m not seeing the One who can truly help me carry it.

I know a lot of people are struggling with their relationship with God these days. I confess: I am, too. I also confess that even when I’m not struggling with my relationship with God, it’s difficult for me to give my concerns to God because I want to be in control.

It’s so hard for me to accept, that more often than not, there’s not one single thing I can do to change the outcome of situations. So I do all this work and research, trying to figure out a way to change things, and time goes by and absolutely nothing changes, except that I wasted a bunch of time researching and thinking about stuff. I wonder why I bother, why I even try at all. Which then, why don’t I give it to God in the first place? Is He really my last resort?

Lately, I find myself wondering why I even bother praying. It seems as if His answer to my prayers these days is always a big, fat “NO.” Which makes me ask myself how it is that all I’m praying for, the desires of my heart, are so misaligned with His will for me and my life.

I find myself searching for hope and joy, thankful for the love that’s in my life, but overall feeling confused, conflicted, overwhelmed and just tired of it all lately… and I’ll probably regret hitting the “publish” button right now. But here I go, being brave and baring my heart.

Please be gentle.



Filed under I own a Home, Life Encompasses Me, Love/Loathe, Sometimes Thinking Exhausts Me, We're all searching for something

24 responses to “Love & Loathe – 01/06/11 (Late)

  1. tony

    Love you sweetie, I am always here for you. XXOXOXOXOXOX
    it will all be good, we have each other. XOXOXOXOX

  2. Maybe you’re asking the wrong questions? Big hugs… this is a new year.. step forwards into it and see what comes…

  3. Cat

    I am rather freaked out about how you tend to write about the one thing I have been thinking about a lot rather often. Your last little bit in One More Thing… I even have a post semi-written, that I started in December and was just thinking about last night about something very similar.

    One day, we need to meet in person. I adore you.

    • Awww. Thanks.

      Maybe the questions on our hearts aren’t so different from most peoples? Especially these days when everything just seems to be so difficult, nearly insurmountable, and endless… not in a good way. I read in a novel today a line that stood out to me: We don’t always have to understand or resolve things, but we do have to face them. I guess that’s how I feel lately… I just have to face things.

  4. grrrace

    I just saw that one of the faculty at my old high school just passed away. She’s my mom’s age. It’s horrifying. I don’t like this whole getting older… Now, I actually don’t really mind getting older… it’s the OTHER people getting older thing I don’t like…

    WHAT? That HOA thing is jacked up. I’m sorry about that. I hope that things get resolved in your favor.

    Re: nylons? I just don’t wear them. ๐Ÿ˜› hehe.

    YES! I love those Cuties!!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

    God is always my last resort. I am ashamed of myself. heh.

    • Yeah, on the getting older thing… I think I ditto that. Except I do kind of mind not being the hottest chick on the block anymore. hehe

      The only thing I can think of re: the HOA, is that the vendor doesn’t want to pay for the damages they did to my property, so they’re making this whole thing up? I really am at a loss. I’m allowed, as a homeowner, to tell someone if they’re doing a crappy job and have damaged my property. How that is considered threatening, I have no idea.

      I’m still working through my God issues, but I’m on the right track now, I think.

  5. stacey

    i can’t tell you how many times life has taught me the lesson: you are not in control. i keep reminding myself to just enjoy the ride, because, as you said, there is very little i can do to control it. every time i think that i have some semblance of control, i seem to get knocked off me feet entirely. i struggled so much after my miscarriage with the anger towards God. i just kept saying, “you know how much i have struggled” and then i felt like i was just getting kicked while i was down. sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we are not looking for. so i am focusing on being open to life, and realizing it never turns out how we think it will. although, it does turn out, just different then we expect and hope. it sure does break my heart to see you not get what you are praying for. if there was a way to wave my magic wand, i sure would, but it just doesn’t work that way. life is so unfair and yet so wonderful at the same time.

    • Thanks… there are just so many things going on right now. I keep thinking I’ll write about it all, to fill in the blanks instead of being so (seemingly) coy, but then there’s just too much, and something else gets added to the top of the list. So I keep tightening the lid a bit more. I do believe they call that bottling? Oy.

  6. First of all, your HOA is a little out of control. You said something, ONCE, to a vendor and it was threatening? Is it too much to expect for a vendor to treat people’s stuff carefully?

    Second, I know where you’re coming from (in a more general sense). I too had a time in my life I was trying to take control of things and make it happen on my own. I’d been laid off from my job, money was tight, the kids were small, there was SO much stress. And I felt like I was carrying that very heavy cross. So once day at Church, I did the only thing I could. I asked the Lord just to take it all and I stopped worrying about it.

    The result? I found a job in the IT field that was just what I needed. When things were starting to fall apart at that job, I literally got a call out of the blue that resulted in going to work for my current company. Since that day, EVERY time I’ve stopped trying to do things my way I’ve been giving more blessings that I could have imagined. It’s a hard thing to do and it takes practice. It’s not about control, it’s about trust.

    You are in all of my prayers. I pray that you find the peace you need and that the Lord will provide for you and give you many blessings. We never know His plan for us, but I’m confident that the you’ve touched people in ways you can’t imagine. And that in itself is a blessing. I know I feel blessed in knowing you, even if it’s just via the computer screen.

    • Vince, everything you wrote is exactly what I needed when you left your comment… I’ve read and re-read it since then. Thank you. I feel the same way about you. You have blessed me just by knowing you, even though it’s virtually.

  7. Knee-high nylons? I didn’t know they even made those anymore! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I can sympathize with your spiritual struggles. So often, my issue is a lack of faith–I don’t really believe God is there, so I’m hesitant to send requests and cast my cares into the void.

    But then–in my increasingly frequent non-doubting moments–I remember that I am supposed to seek first His kingdom. Too often, I am seeking first my own kingdom. I’ve found that, when I change the focus of my prayers to asking God to help me see how I can better serve Him, and how I can better seek His kingdom, other aspects of life fall into place a little better.

    Not saying that is your issue–just that I’m sympathizing with you, and that this is one thing that has really helped me.

    Banana chips + vanilla yogurt = YUM! I’m always looking for ways to spice up my yogurt snacks but haven’t tried this one!

    Hope you’re having a good week! Give those ailing kitties a snuggle for me!

    • Hmm, well, maybe that’s my problem… I have no idea how long I’ve had these knee-highs. ๐Ÿ˜†
      Thanks for sharing what you think about your relationship with God. I know that part of my problem is that my priorities are messed up right now… and it’s mostly been unintentionally intentional (a conundrum if ever there was one) by me. I believe I might call it an avoidance maneuver.

      Banana chips in yogurt = happy me! Temporary happy, but still… happy.

  8. Nanner Peach

    Your HOA is definitely out of control. Really? Sounds ridiculous to me.

    I, too, have had a struggle of faith recently. Although our faiths are different I feel as though we are on the same path to the same power. Mine has more to do with personal relationships and how I seem to get knocked down every single time. Giving over control is so very difficult. I pray a lot for the strength to let go. I’m sure you understand that.

    • Unfortunately, yes, out of control… but it’s left me all tied up in knots and trying to find an attorney to represent me, because THEY have an attorney representing them. Ugh.

      Strength to let go… seems kind of backwards, doesn’t it? That one has to be strong enough to let go. But it’s true…

  9. Wow, through your heart out there and you get some supporting comments.
    HOA – the first thing we told our realtor when we looked for a house, no HOA absolutely. But if you’re condo that is forced on you. Sorry.

    • Yep. But in the OC, that’s pretty much what you find here is a bunch of communities managed by HOAs. A bit of a sleazy business, if you ask me, and I used to work for a management company. Didn’t improve my outlook on them, but did enlighten me as to the back-end manipulations that go on. Blech.

  10. py

    You have been brave. Thank you for showing us that it is alright to be brave. I am still learning to be more brave.

  11. Lynne

    I love you. You aren’t alone. In fact, there are so many of us sitting on that same bench that I’m surprised it does not collapse under our weight. I’m singing a solo in church next week…it’s Amy Grant’s new song and this is the chorus…perhaps it will help:
    “We pour out our miseries
    God just hears a melody.
    Beautiful the mess we are
    The honest cries of breaking hearts…
    Are better than a hallejuah”

  12. I love the song Lynne is referring to.

    I have been told many times, that when we can’t pray, God hears the moanings and groanings of our hearts. He knows where you are, why you are there, and where you are headed. He knows what he has in store for you.

    Now if I can take my own advice and remember what I just told you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Yes, well, I’ve been told that, too, but it seems that even those moanings and groanings and tears that are pouring from my heart are not being heard. And so we trudge onward. Not knowing if what we’re doing is the right thing or the wrong thing. Big decisions we’re facing and we just don’t know.