* Antibiotics, or rather, what antibiotics do to me. I had a procedure done this week where I had to pre-treat with an antibiotic. I think I dreaded the pre-treatment more than I did the procedure.
* Our gym is switching over to the fingerprint identification system. Not sure if or when they’ll make it mandatory, but I’m being a rebel and declining to change over. For some reason the whole fingerprint identification system really creeps me out. Maybe it’s because I associate it with “criminal” identification? Creepy. Big brotherish creepy.
Love:
* The statement on prescription advisory sheets, after listing all the possible side effects, like — oh, say heart attacks, or kidney malfunction — that reads, “This medication has been prescribed for you because your doctor believes the benefits outweigh the risks.”
* I use a calling card when I call my mom overseas, and I finally took the time to figure out how to insert a pause in the auto-dial feature of my cell phone. This is important because I have to dial an access number and then the overseas number, totaling 21 numbers. Now I press two buttons, listen to 21 beeps, and then I’m patiently waiting for my mom to pick up the phone.
* Swimming in the rain — it’s just glorious. Also, I usually have the pool all to myself (except for the kid who wanted to try his remote control boat, but that didn’t work too well for him since my swimming made the water all choppy)!
* Down time and/or sleeping. Also, naps. Naps are wonderful.
* This cat, feetie jammies and the green chair.
* Being greeted by this when I get home from work
One Last Thing:
My company is having a Halloween decorating contest. Needless to say, I pulled out all my “work decorations” and went to town on my cubicle. Spider webs, spiders, fun-scary things.
Yesterday I was refreshing my makeup in my powder compact and in that tiny little compact mirror I noticed that my hair appeared to be standing on end. In that split second I thought to myself, “What the hell is going on with my hair? It’s been raining, I shouldn’t have static electricity!”
I looked again and realized it was an optical illusion.
* That poor little fishy. That’s what we called him. All our goldfish died over the last couple of days. We just weren’t able to eradicate the parasite that infected them. We tried and tried and tried. Sadly, one of them suffered longer than he should have. We kept thinking he’d get better, but he didn’t. It was really sad and we kept calling him That Poor Little Fishy.
* People who are just plain mean and somehow ended up in a supervisory role. The thing about the specific person of whom I’m thinking is, he’s usually right, but he goes about his “rightness” with an attitude of ballistic anger and calling people stupid, which isn’t conducive to inspiring loyalty in those who report to him. It’s truly chilling to watch.
Love:
* Glide dental floss. I ran out a couple months ago, so was using my back-up dental floss, Oral B’s version, I think. Have to say, Glide has no comparisons.
* Green salads. I love me a great big plate of lettuce, arugula, onions, bell peppers, cucumbers, zucchinis, red cabbage, radishes, and any other veggie that strikes my fancy that I can pile on top. A dab of zesty Italian dressing and I’m in salad heaven!
* Persimmon and pomegranate season has arrived. Yum!
* The Angel Trumpet trees in my back yard are finally blooming. Oh! They are so beautiful!
* I am excused from jury duty. Again. Until next time.
One Last Thing:
This past Saturday, I flew back and visited my aunt and uncle, who graciously allowed me to spend 3 nights with them, or as I’ve affectionately termed their home, “Sleep Boot Camp.” See, when I’m home, my sleep schedule gets all messed up. But they maintain a very strict schedule. So it’s kind of like pressing the reset button to my sleep schedule.
Some of the highlights included attending their church — it’s truly a beautiful church, it’s even listed on the historical buildings list, and I love going with them. And brunch afterward is always delicious.
We walked across the recently completed “walking bridge” that hovers over the Missouri river, bridging Iowa and Nebraska. It made for a nice morning walk, and a visit to a year-round holiday store in Old Town Omaha, and then lunch after.
Also, the trees. I mean, you know about my obsession affection for trees. Trees that look like they’re on fire because they’re all covered with red and orange and yellow leaves — be still my heart! I’m pretty sure that I came back with, like, 500 pictures of trees and 5 pictures of people!
We visited my dad’s grave, as well as my grandmother’s, and I always treasure hearing the stories of my dad, his parents and all the other relatives that I never really had a chance to know. Although, I always leave feeling as if there’s one story that’s been left untold.
Plus, there’s always someone’s headstone in the cemetery that begs a good-natured joke — even an unintentional one.
We were leaving the cemetery, and I noticed an enormous monument. I read the name, pointed and said, “There’s the Bone family over there…” Then noticed all the smaller headstones surrounding the monument and revised my statement, “Ummm, wow, there’s a whole lot of Bones over there…” Then realized what I’d said and we started laughing together.
* Driving in the rain. First rains of the seasons fell this week and all the yahoos in the world were on the freeway at the same time I was. Ugh. Also nice to think that I was someone else’s yahoo, right? It was one of those weeks when I remembered with fondness those mornings of unemployment, listening to rain fall on the roof and having nothing on the agenda but to curl up with my cat and read a book with a soft blanket around my shoulders and give thanks that I wasn’t on the freeways.
* When our field sales people come in the office. They sit in the cubicles next to me, and they clearly are not used to living in cubicleville. They play music loudly on their computers, use their speakerphones when making calls, yell (truly, they yell) across at each other and are just generally oblivious to everyone outside of their happy, boisterous sales bubble. But hey, at least I don’t have to try and focus on writing the company newsletter while listening to all their noise. Yay for small miracles.
* When my bosses travel which, truth be told, they do quite often. My life is so much more hectic when they’re out of the office, which is the opposite of the way most people think it would be.
Love:
* Number nerd alert — 10/10/10 is coming up — I love synchronized dates like that.
* Search engine hits. The “search hits” area telling me what people searched for to land on my blog is on the front page of my admin area, so I can’t help but see it. Tonight I opened my admin area to respond to comments and saw that someone had searched for “swim cap blow job.” That just set me off to giggling and I couldn’t seem to stop. Whew. So if that was you, thank you, I needed that.
* My signature scents. During the summer, depending on my mood and the weather, I switch around on my shower gel and lotion scents — I love doing that. But during the fall and winter seasons, I generally find that I revert back to my “signature” scents of Night Blooming Jasmine and Camille. If only for a moment when I use them, or get a whiff of them, they make me feel safe and content. I’ll take whatever moments like those that I can get!
* My plumeria plant in my back yard. It has yielded so many beautiful bouquets of flowers this summer, and it just keeps blooming. Even now, it’s blooming.
* Each of you. Thank you for being supportive and true friends through the rough spots — life is not easy, but there are times when friendships and love can act as a balm to chafed emotions. You guys are the best emotional Chapstick EVER!
One Last Thing:
Earlier this year, my sister-in-law declared that she was going to do a Summer of No Pants. You can read about it here: LINK I was inspired! Summer of No Pants — how creative!
So I quietly made my own declaration. I would have a Summer of No Top! I decided I wasn’t going to put the top up on my car all summer long — hey, it’s California and convertibles should have their top down!
I mean, I did have my top down when I drove places, but … well, let me explain.
See, when I bought my Miata in March of 2002, I installed a 4-point roll bar and had the boot (the leather cover that goes over the folded down top and window) modified so it would fit around the roll bar. Yet, after the money I spent on that, I had only used the boot a couple of times over those 8 years of ownership. Putting the boot on is a commitment of snaps and straps, stretching here and tucking there. It looks nice and protects the folded down top when driving somewhere, but it’s time consuming to take the boot off and put it on every single time I raise and lower the top. So, I had taken to just lowering the top when I drove somewhere and raising the top every time I parked. Which causes lots of wear and tear and sun damage to my top.
Part of my strategy of the Summer of No Top was to order what is called a “cockpit cover.” It’s like a mini car cover that covers the windshield, seating area and deck, secured by four straps that reach into the wheel wells. My goal was to use it as a temporary top when parked, and then the boot cover would protect my top when driving. My other option was a tonneau cover, but that was a lot more expensive.
I was a bit concerned about the security of my belongings, so I made sure to lock the glove box and center box, and take anything of value inside with me. The exceptions to the Summer of No Top was if it were raining (not misting, but truly raining), or if I parked in an unsafe area.
I’m here to report, I successfully completed the Summer of No Top — the top only went up 2 times over the last three months due to rain — and I absolutely loved every second of it.
I’ve written and re-written this post… because the message I want to convey isn’t an easy one to summarize. The flow of it, it’s like a kaleidoscope, so many ways to look at it, and it all depends on perspective and where I am in the time line.
There were the days when I wrote it, and all I seemed to be able to express was bitterness and anger over the fact that God seemingly didn’t deem us worthy of being parents to our Miracle.
There were the months that I tweaked it while I struggled to understand why something that seems to come so easily and naturally to everybody else is such an unattainable dream for us.
I deleted portions and re-wrote them during those weeks, months, when we were going to the birthday parties of children who had successfully turned a year older — and I was joyful for them, life is to be celebrated, after all — but sometimes it felt like a gut punch because our baby didn’t live to see his or her first birthday.
And then, a week ago, I deleted and re-wrote it in its entirety from where I am now.
I’ve intentionally chosen not to keep our loss a secret, but by doing so, I’ve opened myself up to the hurt inflicted by well-meaning, but misguided people who think that by sharing their stories of being “fertile Myrtle” and “I had 4 kids in 5 years” or “my friend didn’t mean to get pregnant so she had an abortion” is somehow appropriate. Or, even those who tell me “I struggled with infertility but after two years ended up pregnant and it must have all been stress related,” or “Having kids is stressful, you should feel blessed you have none,” or “There are too many souls in this world as it is.” I am not making these up — I couldn’t possibly.
By remaining open about my experience, I find that yes, it’s hurtful at times, but then there are times when I’m able to educate those who don’t know or understand. I’m breaking the silence! And even more remarkable, I’ve come across people — both men and women — who have suffered a miscarriage or baby born still. People who have remained a silent member of a club they never wanted to be in. These people, they tell me in near whispers, of their losses — birth stories without a happy ending — as if they are ashamed it happened to them. As if it were something they could even control.
So, please, if you’re stumbling across this post because you’re trying to figure out how to console someone who has had a miscarriage or a baby loss — just tell them simply, “I’m so sorry…” and then stop. That’s enough. Truly, it is. Don’t go on to share birth stories, abortion stories, successfully pregnant after managing stress stories, someone you know is pregnant, kid’s birthday party stories, suggestions of trying again or adopting, or whatever… just don’t. When people have done that to me, it makes me feel as if they’re belittling the death of my baby, as if it were nothing… a “nothing” that was life-altering to me.
The baby I lost may not seem real to anyone else, but I can assure you, as someone who spent the first three months of this year peeing on a pregnancy test every day and then watching in amazement as it turned positive, hoping and praying that we would finally have a healthy baby, and then spent 10 days miscarrying our baby, with hours and hours of cramps and contractions, sitting on the toilet passing enormous blood clots the size and thickness of my hand? And then, finally, when I held the very beginnings of human life in my hands? Even though it wasn’t alive, that baby became very, very real to me.
Yet through it all — through the worry, fear of the unknown, and emotional torment, the nights and mornings when I sobbed my heart out because the baby wasn’t viable, and physical pain, those times when I was on my knees trying to remember to breathe through the pain — I couldn’t help but be awed by it all. All those blood clots I passed? Those were intended to act as insulation to protect my baby from any harm that may come to it from outside of me. Those contractions, if they had come 6 months later, would have brought a live baby into the world. Even the fact that we had even miraculously managed to get pregnant, when all the odds were against us, made my brain whirl. My body did what it was supposed to do, even though it wasn’t the result we so desperately wanted.
For a short time, that seemed such a long time, we were parents. And for that I can’t help but feel grateful for the experience. Our baby was too small to warrant its own marked grave, but I believe that God wove our baby together and I believe that God is taking care of Miracle today. I have to believe that.
This day is so painful to me, and I don’t plan to memorialize it every year, but today I will. Because I will never forget. Anyone who has had a miscarriage or a stillborn baby never forgets. No matter how many children someone has, if they’ve ever lost one, there will always be one more who is silently counted in their parents’ minds.
Every day, a thousand times a day, I think about our Miracle… today especially, because today was Miracle’s due date.
* How the end of the month just sneakily snuck up on us. One month until Halloween — yikes! Better remember to buy candy now!
* Getting a jury summons. I mean, they KNOW who’s on unemployment, why the hell don’t they just call them? Truth be told, I would have happily served during the 6 months I was unemployed — if they had called me. But no. They called me 18 months ago, and now they’re trying again. So irritating.
* How hot it’s been. This was taken around 7pm on Tuesday night and THAT felt cool. Ridiculous.
Love:
* Our new fan (see previous post).
* Those chocolate oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I mixed up? The cookie dough was really good, and I’m pleased to report the finished, baked product is quite delicious.
* Reed avocados. I’ve been waiting all summer for them to show up in the store, and they finally did! Their consistency is as smooth as butter, yet they stay firm even when ripe, and they’re the biggest avocado I’ve ever seen. This from the girl who grew up in the Avocado Capital of the World.
* Hawks. I saw two of them perched on the top of a street light watching the sunset behind me on my way home from work a couple nights ago.
One Last Thing:
I saw this sticker on the back of some guy’s work truck driving down the road. How much do you want to bet that sticker serves a dual purpose? A pinch warning for his fingers when he shuts his tailgate and also as a sort of pinching mistletoe? Because you know, every time his woman gets back there, he probably gives her a good pinch, right?
Friday night the 20″ box fan in our bedroom refused to come on. I think the motor burned out. It was, by my best math, about 8 years old. Not too bad for a $20 investment. We were faced with a weekend that was predicted to be one of the hottest of the season, over 100°F, and an even hotter Monday… tomorrow. Can’t wait.
We kept our plans to go to Sea World on Saturday morning. We always enjoy Sea World, although not quite as much as before, since they ended the Dining with Shamu series. That breakfast buffet was pretty awesome. I understand why they did it, out of respect for the trainer who was killed, but if they had asked me, I would have suggested that they just re-organize the dining experiences like they did the show… no more close contact between trainers and whales. But they didn’t ask me.
On the up-side, the new dolphin show is better than ever. I give it 6 thumbs up!
Anyway, Saturday afternoon we headed off to Walmart to replace the fan. Walmart was a bust, they didn’t have quite what I was looking for, so we hit up Target. It turns out, our local Target had all their summer stuff and a bunch of other stuff on clearance since they’re bringing in all their autumn stuff AND they’re revamping the store to put their grocery section in. We got an awesome $40 fan, which included a remote, for $20. Interesting side note: The price war where Target wins over Walmart has been happening more and more lately.
Other highlights of the weekend included an hour and a half swim this morning that felt like a mere 5 minutes in the water. I just can’t seem to get enough of swimming.
I also found a recipe to make my own instant hot chocolate mix, which I mixed up and put in my empty Swiss Miss canister. I also found a recipe for chocolate oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. It’s been too hot to bake, but I have the dough all mixed up and in the fridge ready to go when the weather cools off… hopefully this week sometime.
Or maybe, in the interest of baking my cookies and eating them, too, I’ll just set up the new fan to blow the heat out of the kitchen!
* Burning my hair off. I reached across the stove the other day for the scissors we keep in our knife block. As I turned away, I was assaulted by a smell… *sniff* “Oh, man, don’t tell me I just singed my hair! I just had it trimmed! Ruined a perfectly good haircut.”
* Regenerating pimples. Surely I’m not the only one with the mystical pimple that regenerates itself month after month, am I?
* My early “no traffic” day is no more. Oh, I still have my early day, but I guess the “no traffic” part was a summer thing.
Love:
* My 4-color pen at work.
* Our Parallel Lives Neighbors continue to bring us baked goodies. Answering the doorbell is becoming less of a scary thing for People Phobic Me if I know there are yummy things on the other side of it!
* My string of pearls plant. It’s a succulent that grows long strands of (what look like) peas. The tiny flowers it makes are so pretty and they smell like cinnamon. It’s such a unique plant and I just love it so much.
* Tony ended up with free tickets to a pre-season Ducks game (ice hockey team) and we spontaneously went last night. It was a fun “school night” outing. Breaking up the routine is a good thing.
* The silliness of my husband. We accidentally crossed hands tonight and he ended up with a fingerful of goop that I was removing from an item of food. He then rubbed some of it off on the end of his nose and it was just a laughfest of silliness. He’s so good for me.
* Nature’s symbolism… driving home yesterday I had the moon in front of me and the sun behind me. Made me want to reach for the moon, baby.
One Last Thing:
What, exactly, would you would call this… a dichotomy?
* Emotional rollercoasters. We have a couple things, really big things, that we’re dealing with right now. Which I can’t talk about because they’re not really mine to talk about. Combined with an especially difficult hormonal cycle this month, I’ve really not felt like doing much of anything but cry. Or sleep, which I would love to do, but these hormones of mine are throwing nights of insomnia my way, just to make it interesting.
* Insomnia and fear. Also, oily skin and pimples. So tired of it all.
* Whacked hormones.
Love:
* Trees. I really love trees. One of the primary reasons I live where I live is because there are trees here. My realtor called it a “preference for mature communities” which makes it sound like I love living in retirement communities, but what it really meant was there are mature, tall, pretty trees here. Which I love. In case I didn’t make my point.
* Smallville. In preparation for the new season starting up (which I probably won’t watch until NEXT season), we’ve been watching all the old seasons. Tony has them on DVD. We are calling it “homework.” There have been a couple evenings this past week when we’ve had to focus on other bigger things, and I can be counted on to bemoan the fact that we’re behind on our homework. Priorities, you know.
* Friends. I’ve taken the premise that I apply to exercise (if I don’t feel like doing it, it’s probably the one thing I really need to do) and applied it to my social life. I’ve leaned pretty hard on Grace, bless her heart. I also got in touch with a friend I’ve not seen since… 2005? We had lunch, and he bought me this balloon. It was so silly, and so spontaneous of him, and I had no idea it would make me smile every time I see it. Even still, because you know that thing is so well made it’s probably gonna last until I’m 80.
* The new health network I transferred into. Even though there were some (in my opinion) weird authorization glitches that needed to be handled, it all sort of makes sense now, and my appointment yesterday morning went really well. They even saw me 15 minutes EARLY. AND I had a voicemail from them, before I even reached my office (15 minutes after I left their office) about scheduling an appointment I had requested. THEY called ME. Maybe all this doesn’t mean much to you, but I continue to be speechless at how well-organized they seem to be. *cynical look*
* Pool bunnies. These two bunnies nibble on the grass that surrounds the community pool that I use. It’s so sweet to watch them. As long as I’m in the pool, I can do whatever I want and they really don’t care, including paddling over with my cell phone to take their picture. But I can’t get even remotely near them if I’m out of the pool. The pool bunnies have rules.
One Last Thing:
The last weekend of August, Tony and I went up to the mountains and hiked our anniversary hike — back to the top of the rock where we got married 5 years ago. It is a special thing for us.
While we were up in the mountains, as usual, we visited our favorite breakfast restaurant and our conversation with the cook came around to wondering just how big of a pancake he thought he could make and successfully flip. His “normal” pancakes hang over the plate as it is. Plus, after many, many years, the handle on the spatula he uses had broken off — a spatula to a cook is what a favorite pen is to an author.
And so the “Two Plate Cake” challenge came to be. We mentioned we were hoping to make it up last weekend, which we did. As we eventually rotated into our seats there, we were surprised to notice that not only did he NOT forget, the challenge actually made their calendar.
And he made good on the challenge.
Now THAT is a pancake. Next up, we’re thinking a Three Plate Cake? That’s something you gotta practice for, right? So… maybe in December?
* The little old lady in me is getting stronger than the 12 year old boy. I know this because I can now see the benefits of products like this.
* When people have an attitude of entitlement.
* My commute to and from work involves 3 large bridges that I go underneath. For some reason, on my drive home from work in rush hour traffic, it never fails that I get stuck under two of the bridges for a span of at least 30 seconds each. For at least a minute every day, I ponder how my car would hold up should a bridge fall on it due to an earthquake. Let’s not dwell on that. Moving along…
* We took our bird in to get her wings clipped. It was time. Last week, Tony had her out of her cage and was enjoying quality human/avian time with her. Or so he thought. She apparently got bored with the whole quality time thing and so she flew back into her cage! Independent little buzzard.
* I am fascinated with summaries and love using as few words as possible to make my point. Thus, I am really enjoying following along on this guy’s Twitter summary of the Bible. He summarizes one chapter a day and does not use abbreviations. Fascinating.
* I saw a herd of leaves galloping across the street today, finally coming to rest for a moment in a pile against a curb. Fall is coming.
* Laughing. And this cracked me up. Best of all, the dude’s for real. It’s a real day care. HA!
* Getting a watermelon and cracking it open to find it’s so ruby red inside that I couldn’t capture how red and sweet it really was.
One Last Thing:
I was checking out at Walmart over the weekend and one of my purchases was this plant.
It was just the perfect size and, at three dollars, the right price for my needs. The cashier rang it up, and then looked it over, turning it this way and that. I’ve never seen a cashier so curious about a plant. I looked askance at him, but he didn’t look at me, so I shrugged it off.
He finished ringing my purchases, and then went to bag the plant, and finally asked, “What kind of plant is this anyway?”
I smiled and replied, “I have no idea. The three dollar kind, I guess.”
I don’t know why some nurseries don’t label their plants better, but that entire cashier conversation was really funny to me… maybe you had to be there.
* I forgot to stretch after two of my swim workouts this week. Oh, wow. I hope I never forget to do that again. It was unbelievable how good it felt when I finally remembered to stretch out.
* When this happens:
That was my swim cap. It broke when I went to put it on one day. I sat there and stared at it for about 10 seconds wondering what the heck just happened and what to do about it. Thankfully, I remembered I had a back-up cap in my swim bag. But still. I hate a busted cap.
Love:
* Lychees. They are so incredibly delicious that I can’t seem to stop eating them.
* I went into work early yesterday so I could indulge myself with a 2 hour lunch. I spent that time with my friend, Grace, who gave me the gift of her time and also the aforementioned lychees. I really love my Grace.
* Being an hourly employee. I think it’s so much more fair… if I work I get paid, and if I’m off the clock — I don’t. Simple, guilt- and resentment-free.
One Last Thing:
I had a flashback yesterday morning when I was making a copy — it was a year ago that I was laid off from my previous job. The flashback was triggered by it being the 1st of the month, and a year ago, I would have been standing at the copier making copies of letters I’d been working on the entire previous week. I still remember the schedule.
I was so shocked, blind-sided, really, by their decision to terminate my position. I had sensed that something had been amiss for a few months, but believed it was something that was going to get worked out. I didn’t realize that my boss was building a wall (figuratively) between us to make the termination easier for her. I thought they were as committed to me as I was to them. I thought wrong.
Oddly, though, amidst the grief of losing my job, I also felt a sense of relief. That their new thing of nitpicking me (part of the figurative wall) was over. And also, there was a feeling of being blessed — I had the holidays off! And long swims every day!! And unemployment checks!!!
God’s timing was perfect. He brought this new job into my life at a time when I was irritated, annoyed and angry at all the companies where I had given interviews. I felt like they were all playing games with me. I was even annoyed at the company where I now work because I felt like they hadn’t respected my time. I was ready to wave my hand dismissively and forget about them.
I was also scared. I was 2 1/2 months pregnant, and afraid that no one would hire me once I started showing. No one hires a pregnant woman. And THEN what would I do when unemployment ran out? How would I pay for health insurance? How would I make my mortgage payments? And good heavens, a baby! How would I work with a new baby?
Every day I wonder why I’m at this company (beyond the obvious answer of “money”). There’s so much about them that is so … opposite of who I am. But, since circumstances are what they are for now, I’ve chosen to change my perspective. I don’t know God’s reason for having me there, and maybe never will, but I can choose to serve them as if I’m serving God (instead of myself). When I feel as if I’m not making a difference, I have to realize it’s not about me making a difference, it’s about Him and He has a reason for me being there, and so that’s where I am.
This job, while technically considered permanent, is really temporary; aren’t all jobs here on earth? Perhaps even more temporary than I want to think. But while I’m there, I will do everything I can — while I’m on the clock — to make their lives easier and better.
The stress of the position sometimes gets to me, there are some days I can’t even remember what I did all day. Every second is filled with something and it certainly isn’t the same routine every month, every week, or even day-to-day. Getting out for my lunch break is often filled with me thinking, “let me just do this or that, it’ll only take a minute,” and before I know it, there are 25 little things that I’ve done and 25 minutes have gone by!
But I appreciate every time I make my bosses laugh, every time I do something well, and every time something goes according to plan. I try to bring joy to those with whom I work, I don’t always succeed but I try… and I appreciate every day that I have a job and a pay check.
But, Lord, I’m so glad we have a 3 day weekend ahead…
Jammie J's Quest 