Derm Doc.

Even though I know you don’t want to read this, I know you will. Like a lurid fascination, you wanna know why I have scalp problems. You wanna know why I have a tumor on the back of my neck. Fear not, My People, I will tell you and you will learn from the man, the greatest dermatologist ever. For he was an internist before he was a dermatologist, therefore he knows the human race from the inside out. And, he’s funny. I like funny.

We decided to do the inspection from the top and work down, which meant he started with my scalp. Praises be! Please look at my poor burning, yet oddly snowing, scalp. The scalp that I’m afraid to touch or shift a hair for fear stuff will come sliding down the hair ramp! Awww, his fingers felt sooo good. And sympathy for my pain. He gave me sympathy. I asked him if it was contagious. He replied, “As much as I like you, if it were contagious I would have put rubber gloves on before I touched it!” HA!

After inspecting it, noticing its inflamed and flaky state, he diagnosed it as contact dermatitis and told me not to use anymore OTC treatments, including pine tar shampoo. *sniffle* And after all that love my cat was giving me. Maybe I’ll just open the bottle up and let Tug sniff it. Heh. Anyway, he wants me to use baby shampoo and a foam called Olux. He said it will reduce the ignited match feeling that I’ve been having on my head. Oh, the joy! Joy to the World!

We moved down to the tumor on the back of my neck. After an appropriate amount of feeling it up, he said it’s a swollen lymph node. He emphasized that it was NOT a tumor. Although I kept calling it a tumor (and will continue to do so), he refused to buckle to my pressure. “It’s a tumor!” I yelled. “No, it’s a swollen lymph node!” He insisted. Gah! He also said it was NOT a cyst, too deep. He believes that it is swollen as a reaction to the scalp problem that I have and it should return to normal size once the scalp problem resolves.

Then we did the annual mole examination. Can someone please explain to me what the purpose of moles are? He spotted one on my boobage area that he didn’t like the way it looked, so he made arrangements to serve it up on a platter to the laboratory for testing. Along with three others of which I didn’t like the look. First step of the removal arrangements was to numb the mole areas.

They left me alone while the numbing took effect. It was a crazy 15 minutes. Me, in an enclosed room that was 50 degrees, wearing a hospital gown, that despite the freezing cold temperature was sticking to my body. Somehow, I had managed to wedge the thing in my butt and when he had tugged it to do the mole inspection, it had ripped. And my armpits were sweating like crazy, which had caused the gown to rip on my arms, too. I decided to throw the thing away, put my jeans back on and used the modesty “drape” as a shawl around my shoulders. Much better.

Then I eyeballed the display of products contained in a glass shelf. I suddenly had this insatiable desire to open the cabinet and sample them, all of them, one right after the other. Salve myself up with products that cost $50 a bottle. It had a mirrored back on it and I caught a glimpse of the insane gleam in my eye, frightened myself and returned to normal. Then, oh no, I felt the urge to pass gas. In an enclosed room and the doctor was gonna come back in at any moment, and no one to blame it on but me. Grunt, I can’t let that come out. Oh, thank goodness, it stayed in.

By that time, my eye was numb (one of the moles was on my cheek) and I couldn’t get it to focus quite right, those samples I had been looking at were slightly blurry. My eye, it felt cold and dry. I wanted to close it, but wanted to look outside. Dilemma. I’d already read all the stupid posters about lasering hair off and the anatomy of an irregular mole, over and over. My eye, what is wrong with my eye?

Finally, the door opened and the doctor came back in. I’ve never been so happy to see another person in my life. He laughed his big booming laugh at the sight of me in my jeans and draped shoulders and all was right with the world. The axis, it fixed itself right then. When I described my eye problem he told me the ocular nerve ran right there where they had numbed it, so it would go away soon. I’d figured that, but it was good to be reassured. In case you hadn’t noticed, I require lots of reassurance.

The moles were removed and I left on wobbly legs to go buy baby shampoo at Target. A little girl in line suspiciously looked at me as I checked out. I don’t blame her, I have two visible bandages on my face. I wanted to tell her that, someday little one, you, too will have to endure surgeries that leave you looking like a freak for a few days. Your precious little face won’t always be so perfect. Along with everything else that will be wrong with you, you can blame your parents for that, too.

Moles, they’re your parent’s fault.

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25 Comments

Filed under Health/Endo, I feel Amused

25 responses to “Derm Doc.

  1. grrrace

    πŸ™‚ i’m glad your trip went well…

    so, do they freeze your moles off or what?!

  2. ooh! and first πŸ˜› heheh

  3. Jeanette

    Grrrace, ohhh, you’re first. Gosh, you haven’t been first in ages. I just wanna hug you and kiss you and love you for being first. *smooches* Ummm, the moles, the process is that they numb your face, slice them off with a very, very sharp instrument and then cauterize them. The cauterizing is the grossest part because, umm, the smell. The smell of burning skin is rather nauseating.

  4. You poor thing!! My heart started pounding when you were talking about the numb eye feeling. YACK!! I’d need someone there holding my hand I’m afraid.

    Too bad about the pine tar shampoo. Maybe you could give Tug a bath in it to keep from depriving him of that lovely scent. Also, sounds like cauterzation and the offensive smell would be a perfect cover should a girl find herself in need of farting. Hope you took advantage of it.

    Your a brave girl Jeanette, I don’t as much as have my teeth cleaned without a companion along:roll πŸ™„

  5. cat

    Jeepers.. I would have been a nervous wreck if I was doing all of that today…. and all by yourself! GAH! I would have dragged Shawn with me to take care of me. I am a huge baby with doctor things that require treatments of any sort. Ugh. Luckily Shawn wants to be there with me to make sure I am ok. I am so lucky to have him in my life. *sigh* *swoon*

    oh.. and *HUMP* *HUMP* I can’t believe you didn’t come *hump* me today! I thought you loved me! Apparently you only love Grace and Grace only loves you because she doesn’t even VISIT my blog anymore… *sniffle* *weep*

  6. This post made me think of that line in Austin Powers, “Moley, moley, moley…”

  7. le

    trust the man. if he says it’s not a tumor, then stop calling it that! πŸ™‚

    damn moles. they serve no purpose.

  8. i have had “beauty marks” removed. my mom tricked me. i still haven’t forgiven her.

    but yeah. i do know that smell. that was mos def the WORST part of the whole process! *shudder*

    well, that and i didn’t get numbed first. i don’t like getting my face burned off! GAH!

  9. Jeanette

    Cathy, maybe I’ll bathe ALL the cats in the pine tar shampoo. Then the birds will come to them and they won’t have to chatter at the door for them.
    Boy-oh-boy, and I had my teeth cleaned on Monday. Productive week for me. 😯

    Cat, it helped that I really like my dermatologist. I wasn’t as scared.
    Yes, our wonderful men make our lives so much better, don’t they?

    Angi, of course it would. πŸ™„ πŸ˜†

    LE, It’s a TUMOR! You can’t convince me otherwise.

    Grrrace, really? Where were they? You didn’t get numbed? Owie! The nurse didn’t use the topical before she stuck the needle with the deeper numbing stuff into my cheek, jaw and shoulder and I jerked. She said it might sting a little. *steaming ears* A little? I even asked about the topical numbing gel, she played dumb.
    I told the doctor on her. 😈 Today, my entire shoulder feels bruised from her stupid needle.

  10. ON MY FACE! they were on my face. a couple of them are growing back. i keep hoping my mom won’t notice them again. hehe…

    it hurt so bad. it hurt WAY more than tattoos. or any piercing ever. my god.

    heh.

    oh, and even though it hurts, you can’t move. otherwise you’ll get like this laser mark on your face. heh. yeah. good times.

    and yeah. i’m glad you told on her. stupid wench! πŸ˜› hehe

  11. Inanna

    I HATE NUMBING STUFF!!! So glad it wasn’t a tumor… whew!

  12. Hey J,

    I read the link to the Contact Dermagrossus thingy and have to ask, did you have any “oozing cracks or fissures in the reddened, irritated skin areas?” What about, “Fluid filled bumps or blisters?” If you did you could add those to your list of Notable Nasties!

    My theory is that your crazy hair is the cause of all your terrors, coz it has roots to Venus and back. So you best watch out for the next alignment of the planets. They, of course, place an enormous gravitational suction on our planet and its inhabitants causing many oozing cracks and fissures as they suck out fluid from the bumps and blisters — oh, and what ever gas is in storage too, big time. Poor bugger Tony!

    ooroo

  13. I didn’t want to read it but I had to.

    Take Care
    Michael

  14. le

    it’s NOT a tumor! there. relax. hehe.

  15. your cat has a pine tar addiction? cool…

  16. i have moles too … but after reading that, maybe i’ll just wimp out and not do anything about them! my doc says they are the “ok” kind, but i could get them removed for free – but? i’d lose my identity!!! πŸ˜‰

    and it’s ok, you don’t have to mail me the pinetar shampoo:lol: i can remember the smell quite vividly!

  17. I had a suspicious mole too. Doc did a biopsy and it GREW BACK, so in the end, we just had it completely cut out so we wouldn’t have to check on it all the time. It’s an option, but the scar is U-G-L-Y

  18. I have braved the dreaded mole removal surgery as well. Frozen off and sliced and diced. I blame my parents, too.

  19. Oh man! Thanks for the big ol’ belly laughs! I hope all of your tumor spots are healing up quickly.
    Lois Lane

  20. Jeanette

    Grrrace, no, say they weren’t on your face. Owie! The face ones HURT! I guess you know that, though. If they use the topical analgesic, it doesn’t hurt at all, though.

    Inanna, IT’S A TUMOR!

    Peter, fortunately(?) mine is only flaking and really red. I have one spot that looks like, if I had continued with what I’d been doing, it MIGHT have turned into a crack.
    Oh, and you’re just jealous of my Crazy Hair. I know you want one. πŸ˜›

    Michael, I knew it!

    LE, IT IS A TUMOR!

    RedFred, It is cool, isn’t it? πŸ˜†

    Saija, I kind of felt that way. I mean, I’ve had them a l-o-n-g time and now they’re gone. Plus, I always have disassociation from my (whatever) after surgery. Like, that can’t be part of me. The disassociation was really bad after my laparoscopy surgery. Until the pain hit, then I KNEW it was my stomach.
    On the pine tar shampoo, well, I guess I’ll just put it in Tug’s Christmas stocking then. πŸ˜†

    Sandy, NOOOO! It grew BACK? How big was it?

    Tara, HA! Our parents are at fault for everything! πŸ˜†

    Lois, Glad I could help you out there with some laughs. Inside, even though I was freaking out, I was laughing a little, too. Especially when I started to weird out about the products in the glass case.

  21. cat

    I am a little worried about how you stressed how you really like your doctor… is this something I should be warning Tony about? Hmmm? 😯

  22. Jeanette

    Cat, ha haaa! That’s even funnier than you could possibly know. Not that some might not find him attractive, but haaaa, I can barely type for laughing.

    Really, though, I’m at a point in my life that I don’t keep doctors I don’t like A LOT. I mean A LOT. I left my GP two years ago because her office staff delayed providing a copy of a report to me just because the doctor hadn’t seen it yet. Ummm, I paid for the thing, I don’t care if the doctor has seen it or not.

    Who knew your comment would drag out my doctor soap box? *smirk*

  23. J,
    So glad to hear it wasn’t a tumor! who’d a thunk baby shampoo could cure that scalp thingy? Woo hoo! Oh and the ants thankfully you are rid of them little buggers!

  24. I’m glad you’re not going to die from that gross sounding head of yours. Phew. How’s that baby shampoo going? Is the man giving you bubble baths now and tucking you in? Are you uber baby soft?

  25. Jeanette

    Lillie, well, the Olux foam helps keep the inflamation/itching away. The baby shampoo is to not exacerbate the irritation.

    Leanne, I smell soooo good. I’m using Playtex’s lavender/chamomile scent and I love it. I sniff my hair all day long.