Category Archives: Letter to William

Dear William,

This week on 10/18/2012, you turn 45 weeks or 10.3 months old.

You currently weigh 27 pounds 6.5 ounces-ish.  I say “ish” because you kept putting your foot on the ground when I weighed you this morning, and then would lift it up and grin at me.  Smartypants!  You have quite the sense of humor these days.   You are primarily in 18 month sized clothing, and we are starting to size you up to 24 months in some things, too.  Diaper stuffing strategy remains the same, although if you get more than one middle of the night nursing, you soak and leak out of your overnight diaper.

This past weekend I was struggling with a clogged duct and I was so grateful that lately you’ve been wanting to snuggle and linger while nursing.  I started taking lecithin (an herb) awhile back and haven’t had a clogged duct stick around for long since then, so this one being so stubborn was quite a surprise to me. In fact, for the first time in a good long while, I let you take a couple of naps on me in the hopes that letting you pacify nurse would help clear it up.  It finally, gradually broke free on Sunday.

I took you back to the pumpkin patch on Saturday afternoon.  We had previously gone the first weekend it opened and felt rather conspicuous that we were just taking pictures and not making any purchases. This weekend, I had hoped to meet up with our mom group, but since you opted for a nap (as usual) during the meeting time, I decided to just go anyway even though I knew it was likely we would miss them.  You loved looking around at all the people (so many people!!) and rather than attempt a militant photo session, I just let you look around and acclimate yourself to your surroundings.  I’m a huge fan of natural, candid pictures (rather than posed) and I got some great ones by just letting you be yourself!  I had brought along your pumpkin outfit, that I bought just for this, and put you in it and then set you next to a bunch of pumpkins for the pictures.  One lady came around the corner with her two kids and was so focused on getting them posed that she totally missed that you were standing there and very nearly tripped over you!  It was hilarious!

Who knew a tractor going by could glean such a myriad of expressions!

This week you have added pointing to your repertoire of skills.  You’re not really pointing at things you want (yet), so much as you’re just kind of pointing where you’re looking.  Your love for bananas is becoming more and more of a demand than it is a request, you know where they are kept and will reach for them and SQUEAL when we hand you one.

You have added the words “This?” and “That?” to your vocabulary, along with the hilarious sound effect of hissing whenever you see a cat, or a picture of a cat (we can thank Snug for that).

Hissing: 

We purchased you some rubber bibs this past week and they have a collection area in the bottom.  It took you two seconds to figure out that’s where all the good stuff ends up. So now you spend a good portion of your meal time fishing stuff out from your bib and re-eating it.

Crawling continues to be your main mode of transportation these days.  We attended your Music Together class on Monday and afterward you kept trying to go out the door with all the grown ups. We were finally ready to go and we let you go with us under your own power. So there you went, crawling down the hall, and people were laughing as they passed you.   Yet you were pleased as could be because you were “walking” along with us.  Clearly, strollers are for babies!

Olympic crawler:

Things I’m not thrilled about this week?  Another middle of the nighter last Thursday night and nap avoidance two days last week, perhaps related to the flu shot?  Things seem to have settled down for you over the weekend.  Also, when you get bored you like to distract yourself with a motorboat sound or by grinding your teeth.

Things I want to remember about you this week:  The way you pull Froggy over your eyes when nursing and I feel you smiling… so I say, “Where’s William?  Where IS William?”  And you pull Froggy off, still smiling, still nursing and bust a gut laughing when I exclaim “THERE YOU ARE!!”  You are so clever and are apparently truly talented to be able to do that and not bite.  I say that because I shared with our neighbor lady how much I love this game and she said she can’t do that with her son because he bites.  Yikes!  You also moan and groan and growl when you’re going for another letdown, which isn’t very relaxing for me, so I started mimicking you… and that, of course, makes you laugh.   I love the way you hold tight to your crib rail and jump up and down in the morning, smiling hugely, to greet me.  The way you’ve started to push your little silver car around, all while it says “Honk Honk, pump it up, pump the jam, pump it up!”  How you’ve really embraced the Book Nook in your room, and will pull books off the shelves and look through them as if you’re really reading.  You love the interactive books and, in particular, the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse book with the light switch that turns off and on.  How you will shut your bedroom door and, although you’re not tall enough yet, you will then reach up for the handle to open it again.  How going into the house from the garage has become a crazy dance because of your extended arm demonstrating your single minded focus on PUSHING THAT GARAGE DOOR BUTTON.

In the mornings on weekends, I take you for a stroller ride around our neighborhood. You enjoy going out of the neighborhood to the main street because you really love watching the wheels go round on the cars going by and get really upset if we turn around before then. So sometimes when we go out there, I turn your stroller sideways on the sidewalk and I sit down next to you and we just sit there, together, watching cars go by.

You grin at me, as you turn your head back and forth to watch the cars go this way and that way, the entire time. Moments like these, the simple ones, are the ones I’m forever trying to capture with my heart camera.

Love, Momma

Dear William,

This week on 10/04/12, you turned 43 weeks or 9.8 months old.

Yet another date has been filled in your baby book… your first cold. Last Thursday night/Friday morning, you were running a fever of 100.7 and had a snotty nose and I felt like such a mom wiping your boogers away and comforting you when you couldn’t breathe out of your cute little nose. As germaphobic as I am, and I tell everyone not to HAAAA on me when they’re sick, I was surprised to find myself laughing at you when you popped up right in front of my face, opened your mouth and HAAAAAed, right in my nose… oh, how being a mom changes someone. Since it was Thursday night when you came down with it, and facing a weekend ahead, for peace of mind we took you to the doctor on Friday, just to make sure your ears, throat and lungs were OK. They were, and it was a fast moving thing, because by Saturday you were acting like the whole thing was gone. Oh, and to stick with tradition, you pooped for the doctor. You ALWAYS poop for the doctor. I blame your father.

Another development: You’ve been standing independently more and more. On Monday night you were banging on the closed toilet seat as if it were a drum and when you stopped, you just stood there with your hands in the air… for about three seconds, then you plopped down on your butt. Your Grandma D. claims you took your first step this week. She brought over an activity table that she’s had at her condo for when you visit her. The first day she brought that over, you started pushing it (looking as if you’re about to fall on your face the whole time) and using it as a makeshift walker. You pushed it over to the couch and saw something on the coffee table you wanted, she said, so you let go of it, took one step over to the coffee table. I haven’t seen it yet, so I’m waiting to document it…

Just when we had a routine worked out for your naps and night time, you’ve started screwing with things again. STOP SCREWING WITH THINGS! Refusing to take one of your naps, which all things considered, if you’re going to refuse a nap, I would rather it be your morning nap. What I think is going on, even though all the experts say it’s too soon, is that you’re trying to go to just one nap a day. So now we’re reworking your schedule to try and make things work again. The thing is, your afternoon nap is way too important to miss. So we moved your bedtime up to 7pm to compensate for the sleep you’re losing during the day. Just as it’s important to look at the amount of milk I pump on a big picture basis (i.e., am I freezing some at the end of the week?), I’ve learned it’s also important to look at the amount of sleep you’re getting in a 24 hour period — I like to make sure you’re getting a minimum of 13 hours in a 24 hour period, I don’t really care how you dice it, with the exception of I prefer you to sleep until at least 6:30 AM in the morning.

Food you’re enjoying this week:
Plums, banana, steamed broccoli, steamed onion, banana/oatmeal bars, carnitas (pork).

Development at a glance:
Diapers — double stuffing inserts for first 3 morning diapers.
Clothing — size 18 month, some 24 month.
Speed crawling is your main mode of transportation
Standing for long periods of time holding on to things and standing seconds at a time without holding on to anything at all.
Using your activity table as a makeshift walker, and pushing it around the room.
Mimic sounds — if we drop something, we say “Uh ohhh!” You now say it, too, but the first time you said it was on 10/02, “uhhh uh uh uh… Uh Oh!”

Things I want to remember about you this week: When you poke your hand between my breasts when nursing, your little elbow sticks up and I tell you “I’m gonna get that little chicken wing!” and then you laugh and laugh, all while nursing. It is the best thing when we reconnect at the end of the day. The way you sneezed while nursing yesterday, and then kept nursing as if nothing had happened. The heat of your body, the heat of this summer, the overwhelming heat of those two things together (I will be grateful for cooler weather). If you are upset, the way you instantly calm when I start singing You are my sunshine. The way you roll over when I put you in your crib at night and stick your butt in the air and babble “Mamamama.” The way you twist your hips when you crawl, and your little butt bobbles along. The way you belly laugh when I try to clean under your chin. How quick you are to go up the single stair out of the living room. How pleased you were with yourself when I let you climb the stairs all the way to the first landing (with me right behind you). That you have figured out how to slide off of the la-z-boy in your room, belly first, and take off crawling when your feet hit the floor. How your face lights up when we go for a morning walk and round the corner and you spot the little community playground. How you laugh and squeal when you see the pool. How ridiculous it is when we change your diaper after swimming and you cry your head off. How you know when we pull your feeding chair out that means FOOD and you come crawling across the floor as fast as you can. How cute you were when I let you try plums for the first time and you LOVED them.

P1420860 from Jammie J. on Vimeo.

Cleaning under his chin

When your Godmother’s daughter was small, she put her tiny little hand on a window above their dining room table, and for the longest time her mom left that handprint there, unapologetic to any who might see, glaringly visible in the evening lamplight. It might still be there, for all I know. I remember that because she commented on it to me that she liked it there. Motherhood has brought out uncharacteristic nostalgia and a desire to hold onto the younger version of my baby in me, and I assume that was what she was doing. In my own way, I try to do the same, I suppose, by drawing your hand print every month, writing these letters to you, taking weekly pictures to document your growth… all of these tangibles. But the intangibles, the things I can’t see with my eyes — the feelings you evoke in me when you do these things that make me smile or laugh days or weeks after you’ve done them, or when my heart is just full to overflowing and I find myself crying when I hold you in those early morning hours because I love you so much, those are the things that I desperately try to capture and hold near to my heart. Your father and I joke that our home is now called “William’s house” and if every joke contains a bit of truth, then there’s more truth in that than humor. Because really, it’s not just our home that you’ve captured and now own, it’s our hearts, too.

Love, Momma

Dear William,

This week on 09/27/2012, you turned 42 weeks or 9.6 months old.

I would like to share with you how much you love music. Any music at all makes you SO happy, and you “sing” along in a monotone voice with lots of passion behind it. I’m not sure at what age children start to sing in tune, but you definitely have the emotion of music down pat! Your second Music Together class was this past Monday, and your teacher was impressed that you were holding the tune… and you did SO good following along and participating in the class. Sometimes I feel silly spending money on something you won’t remember, but … you really seem to enjoy participating, interacting with other kids, and crawling around, and while you may not remember the class itself, maybe you will remember the emotions of it.

We took you to mass this past Sunday for the first time in a while. We haven’t been taking you because the 9:00am mass jacks with your nap schedule, but we made it to the 730 AM mass this past Sunday. Anyway, my point in mentioning that was because you were participating in the service by “singing” along to the worship music.

On Sunday afternoon, I took you to watch your father’s basketball game. In a word, love. You LOVED being there and watching everyone run back and forth, the drumming noise of the basketball to you was like a favorite TV show would be to someone else, you couldn’t take your eyes off the game. You lost the ball you were playing with and chased after it in a turbo crawl, babbling in concern the whole way.

You love anything with bananas in it, so I foresee that going forward, much of my cooking will have banana as an ingredient. It’s a good thing it’s such a healthy, versatile fruit and can be substituted for a lot of unhealthier items in recipes! I had made some blueberry banana yogurt popsicles last year while pregnant with you, and I pulled one out to let you try it. Once you got over how freezing cold it was, you went to town with it! You love that popsicle, and the next time I got it out of the freezer, you knew what it was and were ready for it! Oh, and you get mad when I take it away.

This past weekend, your father hung a red swing in our backyard that our former neighbors (who moved to Texas) gave you. Oh my goodness, you love that thing. The giggles, grins and laughter you render upon being placed in it is all the reward and thank you that your father needs for the time and work it took to hang that thing up!

I discovered this week that the hissing sound makes you laugh… which would explain why you would smile after you bit while nursing. All this time, I thought you thought that biting was funny, but then I realized that I was hissing in pain when you bite. You think that sound is funny, so you thought I was playing with you and then didn’t understand why I was disciplining you. Now that we’re in sync, things seem to be going much better in that arena. Lately, you’ve had a latch like a clamp that if we were back in your newborn days, would make me cry… and I shake my head in awe when I realize just how far we’ve come. Speaking of your teeth, apparently they’ve grown enough that you can now not only click them together, but also grind them. It’s very strange to be carrying you and hear clicking noises coming from your head.

Foods you’ve been enjoying this week: Banana, steamed broccoli, blueberries, steamed onions, plain Greek yogurt. A popsicle made from blueberries, banana and plain Greek yogurt. Granola bars made from banana and oatmeal.
Foods you’ve been unimpressed with this week: Potatoes, carrots.

Crawling is still your main mode of mobility, although you’re working on your confidence to stand by yourself. You stand (holding onto things) for long periods of time and will “walk” while holding on to things, especially if you spot your Froggy hanging on your crib.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 12 ounces. Clothing sizing is the same as last week (18 month). For diapers, we’ve taken to double stuffing your covers for your morning diapers.

Things I want to remember about you this week: The way you love to “talk” or “sing” to me when we’re driving around, sometimes even yelling at each other and then we laugh and laugh about our silliness… I love this pre-talking phase. How you’ve started to associate sounds to things, like if a loud motorcycle goes by, you look around searching for the source of the noise. The way you crawl SO FAST up and down the hallway before bath time, when released from the restrictions your clothes and diaper, your mouth in a wide open grin. How you search for your ladybug bath toy to play with while I dry you off and put lotion on you after your bath. The way your hair has this cowlick at the top, and it just kind of curls its way upward on the top of your head. The way you close your eyes when I stroke your hair while you’re nursing. How you love balls to distraction, even more than books, and will chase them across the floor.

Sometimes when I hold you, you will lean your head against my shoulder for a few seconds. For those few seconds, in my mind’s eye I remember seeing other babies do that to their moms, and now I’m on the other side of the mind picture. I sometimes wonder if I’m too serious, too regimented, too… whatever, self doubts that I suppose every mom has, but then am reminded in those quiet moments when you lean on me that I am your mom, the only mom you’ll ever have. You trust me completely to meet all of your needs, to be an example of how a mom should be, a role model of how a wife should act as you watch me with your father, how a woman should act, and I realize that imperfect though am, in your eyes, I am perfection. It won’t always be so, this I know, age has a way of gaining knowledge and changing perceptions. But I hope that you’ll always know that guidance and discipline are the tools and love is the motivation I use as a foundation to help you gain your “perfection” for your future spouse and children.

Love,
Momma

Dear William,

This week, on 09/20/2012, you turn 41 weeks or 9.3 months old.

The highlight of this week for you was attending your first music class. Let’s just rewind a bit, did you see that? You attended your first class! Your father was able to take you, which made it all the more special, and you did great, he said. You roamed a bit at first, but the teacher was understanding, you are the youngest in the class after all. You loved the music and were so interested to watch all the other children. You are also a bit of a teacher’s pet, because you crawled right up to her, put your hand on her knee and watched her intently. She smiled at you and reached over, waved the handkerchief over your head and then gently touched you under your chin. It was so sweet.

If there were any doubt in my mind as to whether you recognized me as your mom, it would have been alleviated that day. I walked in the room 15 minutes late, after leaving work early and hustling through rush hour traffic. You spotted me the second I came in the room and lost interest in everything but me. I attempted to refocus you on the class, but it didn’t work all that well… in the future, I’ll try to slip in a little more discreetly so that doesn’t happen again!

Also this week was the first time you drank from a straw. It was so hot and we were out and about, and for months now you’ve been fascinated with water bottles and watching us drink from them. So I put a straw in it and held it up for you. Your eyes met mine, you closed your little lips around it and, voila, you drank water from a straw. It was so anti-climatic, and now I’m wondering if we have managed to bypass the sippy cup phase altogether.

You are such a little scientist and are so curious about how everything works. Nothing escapes your notice. We have a rug in front of the back sliding door and every time you go to stand up, the rug slides under your feet and you’re desperately hanging on to the glass door while your feet are going faster and faster and then the rug has moved to the middle of the room thanks to you. So I bought an anti-slip mat and put it under the rug. You weren’t watching me when I did it, but the next time you went over there and the rug stayed where it was, you decided to sit down and investigate why … so there you sat, lifting the rug to see what was under there. I’m not much on secrets but, in this instance, darling, some things need to STAY under the rug.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 5.5 ounces. We’re still in that same weird zone of eighteen month size onesies becoming too small on you, I’m thinking we’ll be going to 24 month sizes here pretty soon. Of course I keep saying that and then keep cramming your clothes on you. Probably not the best of strategies because then when you do finally move up a size, you’re not in the new size for very long before I have to start stretching them again. I think your torso is much longer than your legs are, because when I put 24 month size shorts around you, they fit you around the waist but the length of them are nearly to your ankles. This is kind of surprising, because both your father and I have legs that are seemingly 5 feet long!

We went to Costco last night, one of your favorite stores for people watching. They had a ride-on Lightning McQueen toy and I thought, “How cute! I wonder what William will think of this?” So, I shrugged and put you on it. You were entranced. You didn’t even look up the entire time you were on it. After 5 minutes or so, I finally decided it was time to move on and I asked you if you wanted up… no response, you just kept playing with it. I reached under your arms and lifted you and you started crying and reaching for it. You cried all the way down the aisle. I was so shocked — I let you “test drive” toys ALL THE TIME at Children’s Orchard and you never respond that way when it’s time to go. I walked back by the ride-on toy on our way out and you remembered it, started making noise and reaching for it. Since you liked it so much AND remembered it on the second pass by, I decided to buy it for you… and give it to you, maybe for your birthday? Or Christmas? It’s rated for children 12-36 months old, so you’ll probably enjoy it even more by then.

Your nap schedule is going so much better. It’s wonderful to have a plan in place and, I admit, it is weird to go from having a baby led sleep schedule to a parental controlled sleep schedule, and yet it’s working, when we’re consistent about it. It’s remarkable that your awake times are so predictable to the point that we can lay you down at the right time and you will go to sleep once you talk it over with yourself and get comfortable. If you refuse your nap (40 minute nap window), then we keep you up until the next nap window and then you’re out like a light. It’s also amazing how the length of the nap affects the next nap or even your night sleep… we let you lengthen your morning nap to see what would happen, won’t be doing that again because you then awoke at 4:30 AM the next day.

Things I want to remember about you this week: When I’m holding you and you hear music, you kick your legs in time to the rhythm — it’s very funny when we’re walking through the grocery store. The way you turn with a half smile on your face and look at me sometimes, as if you’re waiting for a joke. The way your eyes meet mine when we’re standing in front of a mirror and you grin at me. The way you reach for me in the morning when I go to get you out of your crib. Your sweet sleepy weight as I put you in your crib after you’ve nursed yourself to sleep. The way you reach for and grab Froggy if you spot him. How if you accidentally drop Froggy when you’re nursing, you cry out and are very upset about it. The way you shove your hands into the armholes of your shirt and help with getting dressed. How when you eat a food you like you make this “Hmmmm” sound, as if you’re really pondering the taste of this new delicacy that you’re eating. When I wash your face in the bathtub, how you open your mouth really wide to try and catch the washcloth so you can suck and bite on it. How you SPLASH the bath water or the pool water as hard as you can with your mouth wide open and stick your tongue out to try and catch drops of water — you even did that when we stopped at a statue fountain! How sometimes when you sit on the floor, you will cross your feet and sit Indian style.

When we started this journey of your life together, I wasn’t sure of anything except that you were finally here. Now I’m looking down the road and your birthday is in the cross hairs and I’m in the idea stage of planning for that. Also, even though we’re doing baby led weaning (BLW), I’m planning ahead for the eventual weaning process and how I will wean from the pump during day time hours. I’m also in the process of registering to be a milk donor, as I would really like to provide human milk for premature babies whose moms cannot. So I need to figure out which pumping session(s) I want to keep in my schedule for that and because milk banks won’t take milk from moms who are supplementing their diets with Fenugreek and Flaxseed, I will also need to wean myself from them.

A friend of ours had a baby this week and I find myself looking at her baby’s newborn pictures and then I look at pictures of you today and … well, everyone said that children grow so quickly, but I had no idea when they told me that, they meant in 9 months you would already look like a toddler! Or that already, today, I see in your sweet face the shape of the man-face you will eventually have. As your teeth grow like a self-erected white picket fence on unmarked territory, so do we tick off the markers of your growth and development and pages of your baby book seem to complete themselves of their own volition.

Love, Momma

Dear William,

This week on 09/13/2012, you turn 40 weeks old, and this past Saturday (9/8) you turned 9 months old.

We took you to get your 9 month portraits taken on Saturday (of course, because I’m a stickler for having month portraits done on the appropriate day), and you did marvelously. As is your way, you charmed the photographer, you smiled and laughed, you demonstrated your standing skills for the camera. You are just amazing. While we were there, the other studio was doing a newborn shoot with a baby who was just 3 days old and his family. That baby was so small, much smaller than you ever were, and I couldn’t help staring at them because I just cannot imagine having taken you somewhere the day after we were released from the hospital to do a photo shoot with you. Them people was crazy!

The big thing this week: We’ve been working on revising your nap schedule, using a combination of the Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and wake time observation. Sometimes I think all these sleep books are just a way for people to make money from sleep deprived families, but then when it really works and you actually take a decent nap? Well, then, my cynicism is required to re-evaluate itself. It’s not perfect, of course, but there is hope that maybe we’re on the right track with things. Of course, after weeks of frustration, it’s easy to get discouraged when something goes awry.

We also cut back your milk intake from your bottles. I have been suspicious for awhile that you may have been drinking too much during the day and were too full, because you weren’t nursing very well when I got home from work. But you did nurse well for your early morning nursings before I leave for work. I would rather you be hungry and nurse well in the evenings, rather than push me away or bite because you’re too full. It’s so easy to overfeed with a bottle a breastfed baby, because even though it may seem as if 12 ounces in 9 hours isn’t that much, it actually is because breastmilk changes composition and calories to meet your needs as you grow. Whereas formula fed babies don’t have that “changing” component and so the ounces constantly have to be increased.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 8 ounces this week. At your 9 month doctor’s appointment, you were measured as being 30.5 inches tall. Your growth continues to be consistently in the 97th percentile. Your pediatrician thinks you are “so strong” and “doing well” and “have amazing chunky thighs” and did I mention strong? Your favorite food to date has turned out to be banana — something you didn’t care much for at all when it was first introduced to you.

Things I want to remember about you this week: Physically you continue to get stronger and stand for longer periods of time. You seem to have a penchant for accidentally biting your lip with those sharp sharp teeth of yours. You love to dance if there’s music playing, or pat your hands on things to keep the rhythm. You love music — one time you were so upset that I put you in crib, crying, you bounced your way over to the musical soother and turned it on, attempting to help yourself feel better. Umm, bouncing? Yes, you love to bounce in your crib as if it’s a trampoline, holding onto the side. You are still fascinated by the camera for the video monitor and will stare at it for long periods of time, plotting, I’m sure, how you will climb that pole and get a hold of it one of these days. When you’re not contained in your crib or play yard, you have realized that you can follow us out of a room if we leave, and will do so. You also will crawl to us when we call for you, and you crawl SO FAST and get yourself all out of breath while you giggle about it, You attempt to mimic things we say or sounds we make, sometimes you even instigate it, and then you laugh and laugh about it when you get it right. You get mad if the cats leave and you can’t follow them. You love to go on outings and get so happy when the garage door goes up. You love going outside and stroller rides or walks are the bane of your existence, it soothes you like nothing else. I realized this week that I need to be consistent across the board about biting — no biting mommy means not biting me ANYWHERE or ANYTIME, not just nursing. So I started implementing the “no biting mommy” on my shoulder (a favorite of yours) or my leg.

You are continuing to work on your linguistic skills — I’ve heard you working with the letters “t”, “n”, “y”, “d”, “m”, “p”. We had a hilarious conversation about tater tots the other day, with lots of laughter. You are so interactive and seem to love repeating sounds back, or will initiate sounds that we mimic. This part of being a mommy? This part is so much fun!

It’s crazy to think that 18 months ago, I was holding a box that contained within it medicine that was our last resort to having a family. That box was it — it either held the end result of our dreams come true or our dreams crashed down. Nine months ago, I was holding my abdomen that was swollen to hold your entire body within mine. Today I hold you in my arms, I smooth your hair back from your brow, and swell with love, for you are every dream I ever wanted contained in a warm, snuggly, wiggly, giggling little baby body.

Love, Momma

At 40 weeks pregnant… ummm, actually, I didn’t make it to 40 weeks pregnant.

I had been intentionally pushing myself hard physically that week, and the weeks prior. We decorated our home for Christmas — as usual, I did the inside, he did the outside. Walking, lots of walking — that week we went to a our local park for their Victorian Christmas celebration, and visited Disneyland twice. Both Disneyland visits, we speed walked from the parking structure to the gate, passing people pushing strollers (must have been a sight) and walked around Disneyland, and then speed walked back to the car. I didn’t take any time off from the gym and lap swam an hour each night directly after work, mostly because I wasn’t sure when The Last Swim would occur. I would get home and, quite literally, drag myself up the stairs and go to bed.

My Tuesday doctor appointment went well that week, but on Wednesday, with no sign of labor in sight, I was concerned that at my 40 week appointment my OB might recommend inducement given her belief that the baby was big. Knowing inducement increased the chances of a C-Section, I didn’t want that. To alleviate my concern, I emailed my birth doula who said she would attend my Friday doctor appointment with me for support. I also determined that if inducement was medically necessary, I would choose the Foley catheter method.

I had Braxton Hicks contractions all day on Wednesday and, to amuse myself, I was writing the start time of them on a post-it note and keeping it under my keyboard while I went about my job. They weren’t painful at all, just annoying and a bit distracting. My boss joked with me that day, not knowing that I was having contractions, that, knowing me, I would give birth to this kid on a schedule.

After my swim Wednesday, I packed my lunch for the next day, ate a salad and went to bed early. I woke refreshed, but chilly, on Thursday at 4:11 AM. It was 62° in the house, so I went downstairs to turn on the heat… and a contraction came on, and then another. I sat on the yoga ball to alleviate the pressure and then headed back upstairs with a detour to the restroom. More contractions occurred and time passed in a blur. I heard the shower start up in the other restroom, so my husband was up and it was shortly after 5 AM. Since I couldn’t seem to move without a contraction happening, I managed to walk a few steps to my purse and I sent him a text message: “I think I might be in labor.” And I waited.

A few minutes later, he came in the bedroom to find me still sitting on the floor holding my cell phone. He asked me what I was doing and I replied that I thought I might be in labor. We started tracking the contractions, but it started to feel as if the contractions were right on top of each other, or not ending at all. I finally passed some blood, and I suggested that maybe we should call my birth doula, that it was after 6am so it seemed a reasonable hour. I wasn’t really sure I was in labor, and was fairly convinced that she would tell me to take a nice relaxing bath and wash my hair. In fact, I was debating the entire time if I should go to work, but was annoyed because I didn’t think I would be able to concentrate because of the contractions, and I was fairly certain that I probably shouldn’t drive.

I was kind of surprised, then, when my doula suggested that we meet at the hospital. When I hesitated, she said she would come over. So, she came over, evaluated the situation and noted that I was having what is called “piggyback contractions,” and then insisted we head for the hospital.

Upon arrival at the hospital, after changing out of my cool Jack Skellington pajamas into their ugly hospital robe, the nurse checked me. I was shocked when she told me I was dilated to 7 cm. She asked if I had called my OB… umm, no. But I was obsessing about calling my job to let them know I wouldn’t be in, but everyone kept declining my requests. The nurse exited my curtained area to call my OB, and a huge contraction waved over me and my water broke. As exciting and startling as that was, my first thought was, “Oh bummer, now I don’t get to use those awesome jacuzzi tubs in the delivery room.” It was at that point that I finally accepted that I was really in labor.

My blood pressure was running a little on the high end and I was encouraged to relax and breathe deeply — yay for the Bradley classes and all the practicing we had done! With my team’s encouragement, I was able to relax and lower it to a more acceptable level. At one point, the contractions became painful, but my doula applied counterpressure and it reverted to the feeling of intense pressure. My doula then whispered to my husband that I was in transition and I expected the pain to increase, but it really didn’t.

The pressure increased to the point where I felt like I needed to push, and I was checked again and was given the OK to do so, which kind of amused me because, at that point, it wasn’t something that I couldn’t do. I remembered from the tour of the hospital that “when the lights come out of the ceiling, you know it’s show time.” Dun, dun dun… the lights came out of the ceiling.

I attempted to follow their direction on pushing, but it became easier for me to self direct since I was able to feel the contractions beginning and ending. I asked several times whether Baby was in stress, and was assured an equal amount of times that he was fine. Since there had been meconium in the water, my OB had requested the NICU team be present, as well as a second doctor to help catch our son when he was born. Given my fear of perineal tearing, I felt as if the pushing was taking forever, but at the same time I knew that the slower I went the more time I gave my skin to stretch… and since baby was fine, I took my time.

Our son’s head emerged, and then the nurse did a maneuver to bring his shoulders through (avoiding shoulder dystocia), that although she had warned us what she was going to do, it was still a bit startling. And, so it was, that 6 hours and 42 minutes of labor yielded the birth of our son at 10:53 AM on December 8, 2011. Despite the meconium in his fluid, he was fine. More than fine, actually, as his APGAR ratings were 8 and 9. One of the first things I told my OB after William was birthed was that I needed to cancel my appointment the next morning… and I also told her that I guess I had proven her wrong, no C-Section needed. I am in awe, to this day, that I was able to birth a baby who weighed an astonishing 10 pounds 11 ounces without an epidural or pain meds or tearing. That because of the insane amount of lap swimming and diet restriction that I did, I gained a mere 24.5 pounds… and much of that, quite literally, was William.

The entire process felt like a dance to me, The Labor Dance, I called it. The event, while simple in words — “I gave birth” — was actually a much more involved event with me doing what I had to do and my son had a job to do, too, moving and aligning himself properly. We both had to tolerate a great deal of stress, as labor is a very physically intense event. But really, it was the two of us, working together, supported by our team, to bring him into this world… so we could become a family. I also loved that Tony was there through every bit of it, helping me through the contractions, helping me with my labor positions, providing emotional support and, best of all, cutting the umbilical cord. But really? The best part of all, was that this wasn’t an ending, it was the beginning.

Dear William,

This week you turn 39 weeks old on 09/06/2012.

This past weekend you had your first Labor Day, which meant we had a three day weekend together… and it was the weekend I wish we’d had over our 4 day wedding anniversary weekend last month. Lots of nursing, lots of cuddles, lots of sweetness.

This week you are weighing in at 26 pounds 6.5 ounces. You are wearing 18 month sized clothing and our diaper insert strategy is the same as last week. This past weekend, I went through your closet and removed all the 12 month sized clothing as you no longer fit into them.

This has not been a good week for you with respect to your sleep. Well, not your sleep, exactly, you actually sleep fine once you are asleep. It’s the falling asleep part that you’re having an issue with and it’s brutal. Naps and bedtime are excruciatingly challenging. The Wonder Weeks chart indicates that this week should actually be a good week for you, so unless you’re working on your next leap early, I’m just not sure what’s going on with you. I could make all sorts of excuses for you — it’s hot and humid and you like cuddling but when we’re sitting there sweating together in a sauna it’s hard to fall asleep? Or maybe your front teeth are hurting you as they continue to grow? Or maybe your brain just won’t shut down because you’re learning to walk? I don’t really know, but child, you need your sleep.

In fact, there was one point this week when I tried to resign as your mother, but your father wouldn’t let me. I had just gotten you to sleep for the night and when I put you in your crib, you rolled and shoved your foot and leg through the crib slats. I was afraid you would roll in your sleep and twist your leg, so I pushed it back through, the logical thing to do, and … it woke you up… and then you were up and awake again and it took another hour and half before you fell back to sleep. This after two days of late bedtimes and single naps for the day. So, we’re trying a new nap schedule, with “napping windows” and we’re hoping for the best. The first day of it was a mess… you didn’t fall asleep in your nap window so you were let out of your crib and you were crawling so fast down the hallway and back again that my mom wasn’t sure if you were crawling or flying, but you were all out of breath!

Last week my mom had new glass windows and doors installed in her house. The installer was using a nail gun and the sound of it scared you and made you cry. My mom decided to help you think it was funny. Fast forward to the weekend and your obsession with the cat door. I had read about something called blanket training for young babies and how moms can teach a mobile baby to stay on a blanket by snapping a yardstick around the parameter of the blanket. I thought that might be helpful to keep you away from the cat door. It backfired, because the popping noise of the yardstick sounds just like a nail gun and you stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed. You’ve also started standing up in your bath tub, and it’s kind of hard to give you a bath if you’re standing up. Anyway, I decided to playfully smack your naked little tushie because it was RIGHT THERE, and you thought that was funny, too, and there you stood, in your bath, wet, and howling with laughter. I’m suspicious that disciplining you is going to be a bit of a challenge.

Things I want to remember about this week: You love taking showers and will watch the water fall from the spout to the ground with great fascination. Then, when the water hits your body when we take one over by the pool area after we’re done swimming, you giggle about the whole thing, so maybe we’ll be transitioning to a shower (rather than a bath) sooner than I would have thought, given your desire to stand in your bath AND your love for showers. When I open the shutters in your window in the morning, we both look out and check out your “hood”, and you grin when you spot the flag your father always has raised under the eave of your room’s roof. More often than not when we set you down in the upstairs hallway you take off crawling as fast as you can and make a beeline to the books in your grandma’s room — you love books! You love to play with the cat door and I have been concerned that you’ll attempt to crawl through it into the cat run, but one day I decided to let you play with it and all you do is sit there and make it snap. We bought you a “Take Along Tunes” toy made by Baby Einstein, it has bright lights and music, which is great, but you like to turn it over and poke at the screws as if you’d like to figure out how to take it apart. You make the sign for “milk” now and mean it. We were heading out the door to run an errand, and you looked right at me with a half smile on your face and made the sign for milk. I was uncertain about it, because it had only been 45 minutes since you had eaten. But to be consistent with the meaning, I offered, and you could have knocked me over with a feather, because you ate ravenously.

Ever since I started back to work when you were 3 months old, my mom has been bringing you to my work on Mondays so you could nurse during my lunchtime. I really wish I worked closer to home so I could just go home on my lunch hours and nurse you, particularly because when she brings you to my work, the “new” place stimulates you and you become distracted easily, with increasingly LOUD vocalizations and SCREAMING. You’ll nurse for 5, maybe 10 minutes, and then you want down to go explore. Repeated offerings of the breast result in yelling on your part, and I am uncomfortable with that in an office setting. You’re not like that at home or when I nurse you in the car. As a result, I think we’re going to end the Monday lunch sessions until the weather cools off and I can nurse you in the car. It’s sad to say it, but my pumping sessions are more productive rather than nursing you at work. We’re working on nursing manners (always), and you’re not like that anywhere else. I constantly have to remind myself that you are getting older and growing up more and more every day, and that’s something that I can’t stop, and wouldn’t want to stop even if I could, but can only adjust to and learn to accept.

Love, Momma

***
At 39 weeks pregnant, I wasn’t emotionally done being pregnant, but I was quite done with the rhetorical questions that people loved to ask. I understood, of course, what else can one talk about when WOW, THAT BABY BELLY IS RIGHT THERE. In fact, it was a source of amusement one night when I was flossing my teeth in front of the full length mirrored closet door in our bedroom/bathroom. The door started shaking and I thought it was an earthquake, only to realize that it was my pregnant belly hitting the door.

I felt absolutely amazing, healthy and strong, and was incredibly proud of myself for eating so healthy, exercising, researching things and preparing myself for that which was ahead. I had no qualms about being a mom and all that entailed, but the thing that was freaking me out was pumping breastmilk. I found the pump to be incredibly intimidating, what with all the tubes and suction cups and bottles and sterilizing things. Yikes.

I found encouragement for natural birthing from strange places that week. One place was on the blog of a lady who birthed an 11 lb 3 oz baby at home with a midwife, and another was from a lady I didn’t know at the gym who randomly shared that she’d had five babies and begged me to “not have an epidural! They can hurt your back forever… please do it naturally!” It was so funny to me to receive that type of encouragement from strangers, when all I’d received from most people was to take all the pain meds that the hospital will dole out or just forget the whole process altogether and get a C-Section!

Something went wonky that week with the chemical levels at the gym’s pool. My swim suit suddenly faded within two days to a non-descript grey color, my hair was suddenly fragile and dry, and was breaking off. In addition, a bright red rash showed up under both of my arms and I couldn’t get the smell of chlorine off of me, despite several showers. Then, Tuesday night, after attending the aquatics exercise class I noticed that anywhere my swimsuit had touched me, was burning as if I’d somehow sunburned them. I Googled the symptoms and learned that I had a chlorine burn. I was pretty upset and in pain from it, and decided I should notify the gym’s manager. After talking with him, he was really dismissive and didn’t even seem to care that much. So I started going to a different gym, but driving there added extra time to my evening workouts.

The doctor appointments that week were much less stressful for me since they were on the schedule that worked best for me vs. for my doctor, and the monitoring, ultrasound and exam revealed a strong fetal heartbeat, proper amount of fluid and “normal progress.”

So I was to continue what I’d been doing: lap swimming for an hour every day and tons of walking.

I felt incredibly blessed to have reached 39 weeks — I never, ever thought I would reach that point. There were parts of the journey that were absolutely terrifying for me. I felt like I should hold up some sort of victory trophy for reaching that point against all the odds. I was incredibly anxious to meet my baby, but at the same time I continued to savor and enjoy each and every moment that I got to have him all to myself. I knew that there would never ever, ever be another time in my life that I would get to experience the feeling of holding my baby boy that way.

Plus, I knew that pregnancy was really the easy part of being a parent!

Dear William,

Today you turn 38 weeks or 8.7 months old.

This past weekend we had family over for a BBQ, and it was fun to observe how you and your cousins interact with each other. It’s actually fun to see that most kids are fascinated with you, mostly because you’re a baby and I think kids are fascinated with someone smaller than themselves.

Your cousins were so patient with you, and you were all about trying to use them as standing tools because you wanted to do what they were doing so easily — standing and walking! Your cousin Huck spent a fair amount of time playing speed peek-a-boo (peek-a-boo over and over again really fast) with you, with you laughing as encouragement, and then, exhausted, he went and sat down on the couch! You kind of took over entertaining everyone with a game of “habababa” (where I put my hand to your mouth repeatedly while you vocalize). You love that game, but I felt kind of bad because you took over the entire adult conversation that was going on. It’s just a baby’s way, I guess.

You are weighing in at 26 pounds 6 ounces this week. Clothes size (18 month) and diaper insert strategy are the same as last week.

You are getting to be a pro at standing for longer periods of time. I mentioned in last week’s update that you took some attempted sideways steps while holding on to the coffee table, but then preempted that progress by falling and hurting yourself. Unfortunately, you were scared to sit down by yourself after that, but after a couple of days you overcame that fear. I understand that mentality, it’s something that I have struggled with.  But I learned that as with anything in life, you have to practice something to be better at it — if there’s one thing I can teach you, it’s to not ever let your fear hinder your progress. Fear should serve one purpose in life, and that is to caution you, if need be, and make you evaluate something a bit longer or deeper before moving forward, but don’t ever let fear freeze you into stagnation.

Things I want to remember about this week — what a super fast crawler you are, and to add to that, you now have realized that you can take your toys with you. So there you go, crawling across the floor, swish, swish, swish, PLACK! With your toy in your hand. You are so excited about bath time that you crawl out of your diaper, but then on the way to the bathroom you get distracted by your toys and squeal with naked glee! You are also very fast to get to a standing position now. It’s so odd to come into your room in the morning, and there you stand, smiling at me, in your crib. You are also pretty talented at adjusting the camera to your video monitor in your crib, and we had to move it a little farther back and up out of your reach yet again. How a smile spreads across your face and you laugh when you spot my car turning into the community, you look at me and then your eyes turn downward and watch my wheels turn. The way you dig your heels into the lawn as if you love the feel of cold dirt on your feet. How violent you are with your bicycle horn that you use to alleviate your teething pain, and how gentle you have been this week when nursing. Kissing your cheeks and how they feel like apples warmed by the sun because you’re usually smiling. How chubby your legs are, so chubby that your knees are doubled over with fat. The way your feet are rounded because they haven’t flattened out from walking yet. The staring contests you and I have — you will be throwing a fit and I will get real close to your face and raise my eyebrows, not even saying anything, and you’ll stop crying and just stare at me, and stare and stare. If that works as discipline later on, I will be SO happy, to discipline you without even saying a word.

These new skills that you are attaining at lightning speed, it’s so funny, because your baby book lists them out in a bullet point format as if one day you’ll suddenly be crawling, or walking or whatever, but the thing is with you, it doesn’t just happen overnight. Maybe it does for other babies, but for you it’s such a gradual thing with lots of practice and stages and laughter and frustration, that suddenly I’ll look at you and realize, holy crap, I need to write a date down for that!

Your nursing strike really does appear to be over and I am so, so grateful to have my sweet, snuggly, nursing baby back. Tuesday morning you nursed yourself into oblivion. You got the first letdowns on both sides and then cried, and I snuggled you and sang to you for about 10 minutes, and then offered the right side again, your favorite, and you nursed and nursed and nursed and nursed and fell back to sleep. My sweet boy. I left you, sleep, warm and cuddly with a light blanket over your legs, in your crib and went to work, thinking of you the entire drive in.

I never knew way back when you were a newborn and I was battling the pain of being a newly nursing momma that these memories of you nursing would end up being the moments that sustain me when I am away from you. If someone were to ask me why I continue to do so, that would be my answer, but there’s no way I could possibly convey the depth of how much it means to me. How much you mean to me.

Love, Momma

William, 38 weeks old, 08/30/2012

**

At 38 weeks pregnant, I had been back to swimming at the gym instead of our community pool for a couple weeks, which meant that I was no longer getting up at 5am to go swimming but, rather, was going after work. I was also attending the aquatic exercise classes that the gym offered three times a week. If there were an option to take the stairs in buildings, I would take them. In fact, my OB’s office is on the sixth floor of her building, and I would take the stairs up, then down, then ride the elevator back up and take them down again. Physically I felt absolutely great and I attributed it all the swimming and exercise I was doing.

My birth doula had recommended a special cream for perineal massages and I had started alternating that cream with evening primrose oil, as preparation for the natural birth that I wanted. I had my first true pregnancy food craving that week — turkey breast! I went into my favorite candy store with the intention of buying something, and ended up walking out with nothing — I was shocked because nothing appealed to me.

The big drama that week for me was my OB appointment schedule. I had originally requested, and been given, a Tuesday/Friday appointment schedule (stress monitoring twice a week, an ultrasound fluid check once a week after the Friday monitoring). But my OB had reviewed it and insisted on a Monday/Thursday schedule, because she didn’t work on Tuesdays. I didn’t really care, as the Monday appointment was only reviewing the ticker tape from the monitoring, plus I liked her partners just as well as her, but she was apparently possessive of her patients. Anyway, when I arrived that Monday, I was informed that I would have to come back on Tuesday for another monitoring session and an ultrasound, and then again on Friday. There was a specific amount of time that was allowed to pass between appointments, and the Thanksgiving holiday and office closures on Thursday threw the whole schedule off… so THREE appointments in one week. I was annoyed. Then, when I expressed my irritation, they pulled the “it’s for the health of the baby” card. As if I were neglecting my baby by wanting to take care of myself and my time? That pushed me over the edge from annoyed to livid and I had a Come to Jesus discussion with them and INSISTED on a return to my Tuesday/Friday schedule after that week, as I pointed out, the whole thing wouldn’t have been a problem if we had stayed with the schedule I originally had.

I had another scare that week, I missed a stair when I was coming down the stairwell in my house and landed, hard, on my knee. Terrified that I had done something that might cause an issue (placental separation came to mind), I turned right back around and went and pulled out my doppler. Baby’s heartbeat was strong and sure and reassuring to me. Later that night, after all the emotion of the day — from the early morning, the doctor appointment, the stair scare, just everything, I laid down on the couch and melted into my husband’s arms while we watched TV. I got so comfortable that I fell asleep snuggled up in his arms. I was sleeping so hard, he told me later that I was snoring! Throughout the pregnancy, I had believed Baby to be a good baby who slept when i slept, because he had rarely awakened me. However, I came out of my spontaneous nap to hear my husband chuckling in my ear while his hand rubbed circles on the left side of my belly and our child within. Baby was poking his foot at his father, and my husband was in turn pushing and rubbing Baby’s foot. They apparently had been “playing” that game for 15-20 minutes.

It was times like those when I begin to get impatient for our child to make his debut. I wanted to start making memories with him outside of my body, as a family.